Real Life Diagnostics: Do You Feel Grounded in This YA Fantasy Opening?

Critique By Maria D'Marco

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.


If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines. 
 
Submissions currently in the queue: Four

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through April 21.

This week’s questions:

1. Does this opening provide enough context for those who haven’t read the main story? Do you feel grounded?

2. How’s the pacing? Do I drag it too long?

3. What impression do you have of the MC? Does her voice come through? Do you feel connected to her?

4. Would you read on?

5. Since English is my third language, does anything strike you weird/funny?

Market/Genre: YA Fantasy

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This YA Opening Work?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Four

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through August 12.

This week’s questions:

1. Does this opening work? I focused on the voice of mc, but I'm not sure if the pacing works. Is it too slow, too boring for an opening scene?

2. Can you tell that I'm not a native speaker?

Market/Genre: Young Adult

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Is This YA Opening Too Slow?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Three

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through October 8.

This week’s questions:

I'm worried that the opening that I've written is too slow. Does it give too much background info too fast? Is there enough happening here to keep a reader interested in the protagonist?

Market/Genre: Young Adult Fiction

Special note: We have a young writer today with a first novel, so please bear that in mind when commenting.

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Is This Character Introduction Scene Working?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Three

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through September 24.

This week’s questions:

1. Is this a good opening for introducing the second main character?

2. Are there any parts that drag on too much?

3. Do you see any show vs tell issues?

4. Do you see any potential problems as to why literary agents would stop reading past the "second" first page?

Market/Genre: Middle Grade Science Fiction

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Opening Feel Rushed?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Three

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through May 7.

This week’s questions:

Does the beginning of this novel feel rushed? Am I leaving too many questions? I’ve resisted the urge to “info dump” pages and pages of worldbuilding, but are there places in which some “Telling” wouldn’t be remiss? Pacing questions, I suppose. I want to end chapter 1 where the main character meets the “squad” she’s eventually going to have adventures with, so that people know the mystery/conflict and how the male and female leads meet. But it feels rushed.

Market/Genre: New adult futuristic romance

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Fixing Your Pacing and Narrative Flow

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: One

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through November 7.

This week’s question:

I still have a little trouble with flow and pace. I want this to set some of the groundwork instead of “info dumping”, but how? Should I start it some other way?

Market/Genre: Unspecified

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This YA Science Fiction Opening Hook You?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Five 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through August 29.

This week’s questions:
 
Does this provide a strong enough hook? Is the pacing working?

Market/Genre: YA science fiction

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This YA Sci Fi Prologue Work?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Five 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through March 28.

This week’s question:

Does this opening work on, not just a basic level, but also create enough intrigue and mystery to drive people to read on?

Market/Genre: YA science fiction/thriller

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Is This YA Urban Fantasy Opening Working?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Six

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through February 14.

This week’s questions:

1. Does this opening work?

2. Do you get a sense of the voice?

3. Is it too slow?

Market/Genre: YA Urban Fantasy

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: A Look at Pacing and Tension on the Opening Page

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Five

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through January 18, so there's a bit of a wait for submission feedback. The Sunday diagnostics will shorten that some when my schedule permits, but I wanted everyone to be aware.

NOTE: There's a revised snippet up for A Wicked Beginning: Does This Opening Work? for those curious to see how the writer revised.

This week’s questions:

1. The opening is working? Does it hook the reader and make them want to read more?
2. Is it paced well?
3. Can you 'feel' the tension and does it climb appropriately/proportionately?

Market/Genre: Unspecified

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Grounding Readers in a Quiet Prologue

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Ten (+ two resubmits) Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through January 11 so there's a bit of a wait for submission feedback. The Sunday diagnostics will shorten that some when my schedule permits, but I wanted everyone to be aware.

This week’s questions:

Is this opening too slow? Is there enough to hook you, or do I need to increase the tension? Is the dialogue natural and the characters real? Do you feel grounded or confused? What kind of questions do you have that might keep you reading?

Market/Genre: YA Fantasy 

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: An Opening That's All in Your Head

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Eight (+two re-submits)  
Note: Right now I'm booked up to September 7 on submissions. I'll double up on the weekends when I can to clear out the queue, but this is the most I've ever had waiting. Sorry about that, guys! I'll get to them all soon as I can.

This week’s questions:

Does this opening work? Does it have a distinctive voice? Is it well paced? Am I showing or telling?
Market/Genre: YA / Coming-of-Age

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Internal Dialog and Pacing: How Much is Too Much?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Eight

This week’s questions:

1. I want to use internal dialogue to heighten the urgency and provide insight, but does it hinder the pace too much?

2. I don’t want to add a pile of ‘he thought’ into the mix, so I chose italics without the single quote mark. Is this appropriate or is there a better styling method?

3. Did it hook you for a story opener?

Market/Genre: Regency Romance 

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Pacing and Character Arcs in a Short Story

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Five

This week’s questions:

First, I'm curious what you think about the pacing and the level of detail, for a story that's going to take us through a big zombie slaughter at the 80-or-so% mark, before ending with a character moment. Is it too much, too little...too slow and charactery?

Also, Donna's character arc in the piece is from someone who puts her music first because she prefers to run away rather than face hard choices, to someone who puts her family first but will still hold on to her music. Is it necessary to establish All That up front? Or is a beginning that hints at it (her dedication to her act) an okay way to go about it? (FWIW, through the entire 675 word first scene, it's not established; it doesn't come into play until scene 2, when her husband dumps her by satellite phone)

Market/Genre: Fantasy/horror short story

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: What a Drag: Picking up the Pace in a Slow Scene

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Eight

This week’s question:

This is a phone conversation between Sue the owner of the ballet company and her choreographer. I have been told that this scene drags the chapter down. I changed it up. Instead of interiority it now consists of dialogue. Does it work now? Or does it still drag?

Market/Genre: Contemporary YA

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Is This Opening Working? Fixing Infodumping and Telling

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Five

This week’s questions:
Does this opening work?
Is it an adequate hook to keep the reader interested?
Am I telling or showing?
How is the pace?

Market/Genre: Young Adult Fantasy

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Good Voice vs. Bad Writing: Where Do I Draw the Line?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Seven

This week’s questions:
I'm having somewhat of a hard time distinguishing between good voice and bad writing. I know a bit of what I do is generally frowned upon (i.e. excessive exaggeration, the phrasing of the last sentence of my excerpt), but I'm pretty sure it still works, considering my MC, Kimberly, is a seventeen year old girl, and I'd like to think that as long as my voice is genuine, other things are less important. So my main question isn't so much a question as a request for confirmation that it does in fact work; and then, if it doesn't, where should I draw the line?

Market/Genre: Contemporary Young Adult

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: A New Start: Pacing and Hooking Readers in the Opening Scene

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, check out the page for guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Three

This week’s questions:
Is this too slowly paced? Does it hook? And was I able to keep this firmly in Anna's head? (Third person-close) NOTE: Revised text at the bottom with new comments.

Market/Genre: Fantasy 

Additional Note:  There's also a revision of an older post for those curious. An update for the snippet where the girl's parents are killed in the dark right in front of her that was asking about reactions and emotions. It's a great revision, and worth seeing how the author tweaked it.

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Opening Thrill of a Thriller

Real Life Diagnostics is a recurring column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, check out the page for guidelines.

This week’s question:

Please find below my opening scene for my thriller work-in-progress. Does this opening work?

Also, I have intentionally not disclosed the identity of the villain at this point in the story. I want to introduce him as a "normal" person in Chapter 2 and then reveal that he isn't as normal as the reader was led to believe later in the first act.

This submission is a little on the long side (I prefer to keep these around 250 words), but it has a lot of dialog and there are some things I’d like to discuss overall, so I’ll go ahead and do the whole thing.

On to the diagnosis…