Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Prologue Work?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Four

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through April 28.

This week’s questions:

I'm taking the plunge and sending you the first page of my Prologue for your critique. With respect to our previous correspondence regarding Prologues, I fear that maybe all your red flag warnings apply. However, because of the 26-year time lapse, I don't see how I can bring this into the main body of the novel without interrupting with extensive back-story and flashbacks. So, my questions (based on your four Prologue triggers) would be:

1. Does this opening work?

2. Would you continue reading?

3. Would you stay with the story if you knew this narrator is not the main POV character but nevertheless an important character who helps drive the plot?

4. Would you invest your time and energy reading a prologue knowing the actual story takes place 26 years and a generation later?

5. What, if any, are your expectations from this opening?

Market/Genre: Mainstream fiction

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Is This Short Prologue Working?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Five 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through February 4.

This week’s questions:

1. Should my story even have a prologue? Is this an effective enticement for a reader?

2. If so, what would a reader expect from the story it introduces (aside from a sweater element)?

3. Is the prose too pretty? Does it detract from the substance? (The novel’s narration is pretty at times—and funny—but it’s altogether less compressed.)

Market/Genre: Unspecified

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Trust Your Reader and Show Your Scenes

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Two 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through August 6.

This week’s questions:

1. Does the mini-prologue work, or would it be better to start with the next segment (which goes on to explain how she selected the target and executed the kill plan) and end with this snippet of the man's demise?

2. Is there too much "tell" in the opening?

3. Does mentioning her reason for killing come too early and give-away her motive?

4. Is there enough tension?

5. Would this beginning entice you to read more?
Market/Genre: Thriller

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Would This Prologue Make You Read On?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Four 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through December 19.

This week’s question:

This is my prologue for an online serial http://burtabreu.wordpress.com I notice in the site stats that a large amount of people (of the small amount reading) only read as far as the prologue so I would like a review to see what might be lacking to help me better hook the readers. 

Market/Genre: Unspecified

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This YA Sci Fi Prologue Work?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Five 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through March 28.

This week’s question:

Does this opening work on, not just a basic level, but also create enough intrigue and mystery to drive people to read on?

Market/Genre: YA science fiction/thriller

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Short Story Prologue Work?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Six 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through March 14.

This week’s questions:

1. Prologues are frowned upon, I realize. Does this one look as if it will serve the story well?

2. Does not identifying the "bossman" by name create intrigue, or seem like a corny device?

3. What about having the prologue be mostly dialog? That seems to work for me, but I'm not sure what others might think.

Market/Genre: Short story

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Creating Tension and Hooking Readers in a Prologue

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: One 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through November 7.

This week’s questions:

Does this beginning (prologue) capture your attention? Have I introduced enough tension to keep you reading?

Market/Genre: Thriller

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Is This Prologue Working?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Four 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through August 30. The Sunday diagnostics will shorten that some if my schedule permits, but I wanted everyone to be aware of the submission to posting delay.

This week’s questions:

This is from the prologue to my contemporary fantasy. It's meant to hint at how Angie's stories are going to linger with Mark, while the incident he's about to glimpse here will stir up a lot of trouble for them when they're grown up.

Does this give the right balance of building a connection with Mark and keeping the reader going to get to the "glimpse" ahead?

Market/Genre: Contemporary Fantasy

NOTE: There's also a revised snippet about the girl athlete wish the missing coach for those curious to see how the author reworked it.

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: A Prologue From a First-Time Writer

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Three (+ one resubmit) 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through July 19. The Sunday diagnostics will shorten that some if my schedule permits, but I wanted everyone to be aware of the submission to posting delay.

This week’s questions:

Does this prologue work? Does it sound kind of poetic? Does it make you want to read more?

Special Note: This is a brave first-time writer putting work out there, so please bear that in mind while commenting on this piece.

Market/Genre: Mystery/Fantasy

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Prologue and Narrative Style Work for You?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Four 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through June 21. The Sunday diagnostics will shorten that some when my schedule permits, but I wanted everyone to be aware of the submission to posting delay.

Also Note: There's a revised snippet up for the opening about the kids trapped underground in a school for those curious to see how the writer revised.

This week’s questions:

Does this work as a story opening, and more specifically, does it work as a prologue-type thing? And, in terms of narrative style, do you think there is a good rhythm to the words and sentence structure I've chosen, or does it feel disjointed? (This, in particular, is super important to me.)

Market/Genre: Fantasy

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Cinematic Prologues: Does This Engage You?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Six + one resubmit 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through February 15. The Sunday diagnostics will shorten that some when my schedule permits, but I wanted everyone to be aware of the submission to posting delay. I'm working to get caught up.

This week’s questions:

1. Are you engaged by the opening? If so, why; if not, what's putting you off?

2. The POV in this scene is actually Shoshonna (par3), but I wanted a more cinematic opening. Does this blatant violation of POV (it sticks to her POV thereafter, if that's useful information) put you off?

3. The opening -- a prologue - is currently in present tense, while the rest of the book is in past tense. Our characters come to the church in chapter 4 or 5, where they discover (the thing that went wrong during the ceremony). Does this work for you, conceptually?

Market/Genre: Unspecified

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Hooks and POV in an Epic Fantasy Prologue

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Eight (+ two resubmits)  

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through January 18, so there's a bit of a wait for submission feedback. The Sunday diagnostics will shorten that some when my schedule permits, but I wanted everyone to be aware.

This week’s question:

Does it have a hook? If so, how strong is it, do I need to "hook it up"? If not, is there any part in this excerpt that could work as a hook? What little you know of the POV character, is it likable? Is internalization and/or interior monologue well employed? I realize I am telling more than showing, aren't I? However, there are times I don't see the telling very clearly. Could you help me with that?

Market/Genre: Epic Fantasy

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Grounding Readers in a Quiet Prologue

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Ten (+ two resubmits) Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through January 11 so there's a bit of a wait for submission feedback. The Sunday diagnostics will shorten that some when my schedule permits, but I wanted everyone to be aware.

This week’s questions:

Is this opening too slow? Is there enough to hook you, or do I need to increase the tension? Is the dialogue natural and the characters real? Do you feel grounded or confused? What kind of questions do you have that might keep you reading?

Market/Genre: YA Fantasy 

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Testing Clarity and Wordiness in an Opening Scene

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Seven (+ one re-submit)

This week’s questions:

Is it clear who is doing what to whom? Is it too wordy? Does it persuade the reader to continue? Is it too obvious that this is the student? Does it telegraph that she probably isn't dead?

Market/Genre: Mystery

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Prologue Hook You?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Nine

This week’s questions:

1. This opening is part of the Prologue, which makes most readers cringe. However my goal was to introduce an event that occurred before dawn (and the man responsible for what happens in Woodburn), which the main characters aren’t aware of yet. Have exhibited Dr. Obium’s determination for what he’s about to do?

2. Does this opening keep the reader interested long enough to want to know what he does next?

3. Is there too much description slowing down the action?

Market/Genre: Young Adult 

NOTE: Revised text at the bottom

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Prologues: Keep or Cut?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, check out the page for guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Five

This week’s questions:
Does it work as an opening? Would you continue reading? Should I include it in a query letter or just skip to the first chapter? Do any parts seem awkward?

Market/Genre: YA Fantasy

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Do Intro Prologues Work?

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, check out the page for guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Five

This week’s question:

This is a short prologue from my work in progress. Does it make you keep reading?

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Prologue Work?

Real Life Diagnostics is a recurring column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, check out the page for guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: One (UPDATE: Seven now)

This week’s question:

I've had enough conflicting advice about PROLOGUES to fill a bucket.

My prologue sets up events that will threaten the main character later in this Mid-Grade novel, and seems to be the best way to get this information across succinctly. But I've been told publishers don't like them and readers don't bother to read them.

My questions is: Have I included enough information about the conflicts ahead, and about the main character to make the prologue work as it should?

It's in Third-person omniscient POV, and chapter 1 is 1st person POV (the main character's voice, Kate McAlpine). The full prologue is 490 words.

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Opening With Journal Entries: Do They Hook?

Real Life Diagnostics is a recurring column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, check out the page for guidelines.

This week’s question:

Is this scene an effective hook, and does it make a reader want to continue reading to find out what happens?


The book is actually written in third person omniscient, with every chapter opening with a diary entry, letter, or various other forms of communication between characters that provides most of the backstory without huge information dumps.

On to the diagnosis…