Real Life Diagnostics: Is This Opening Working?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: One

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through January 26.

This week’s questions:

Does this opening work? Does it feel like telling? Would an agent ask for more?

Market/Genre: Romantic thriller

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Crime Fiction Opening Hook You?

Critique By Maria D'Marco

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.


If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines. 
 
Submissions currently in the queue: Two

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through July 21.

This week’s questions:

1. Does this first chapter opening hook you?

2. Would you want to read on?

3. Does it bother you that the protagonist’s “real” name/identity is not revealed until the last line of the chapter?

Market/Genre: Crime Fiction/Suspense

Warning: colorful language ahead

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Trust Your Reader and Show Your Scenes

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Two 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through August 6.

This week’s questions:

1. Does the mini-prologue work, or would it be better to start with the next segment (which goes on to explain how she selected the target and executed the kill plan) and end with this snippet of the man's demise?

2. Is there too much "tell" in the opening?

3. Does mentioning her reason for killing come too early and give-away her motive?

4. Is there enough tension?

5. Would this beginning entice you to read more?
Market/Genre: Thriller

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Using Dialog to Build Tension

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Five 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through September 19.

This week’s question:

Is this dialogue/scene working effectively or does it need to be longer to build the tension?

Market/Genre: Women’s Fiction

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Creating Tension and Hooking Readers in a Prologue

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: One 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through November 7.

This week’s questions:

Does this beginning (prologue) capture your attention? Have I introduced enough tension to keep you reading?

Market/Genre: Thriller

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Creating Dread in a Short Story Opening

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Four (+ one resubmit)

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through August 23. The Sunday diagnostics will shorten that some if my schedule permits, but I wanted everyone to be aware of the submission to posting delay.

This week’s questions:

1. Tosha is 8 and Daniel is 10 - does this come across as likely in this opening scene?

2. Is there any sense that trouble is coming?

3. I'm not sure if my narrator is omniscient or if it's 3rd person, but shifting from one to the other. Either way, is it working all right?

4. Is it more showing than telling?

Market/Genre: Adult Short Story

NOTE: There's also a revised snippet about the boy trying to drink away his problem for those curios to see how the author reworked it.

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Raising the Tension in a Flat Opening Scene

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Seven 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through June 7. The Sunday diagnostics will shorten that some when my schedule permits, but I wanted everyone to be aware of the submission to posting delay.

This week’s questions:

I've been reworking the opening chapter to my manuscript and I keep being hit by the feeling it sounds too flat. Is there enough tension in this scene and does it make you want to know what happens next? (The protagonist is male, but I've also had comments he sounds feminine, which seems to be another issue.)

Market/Genre: YA Science Fiction

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: A Look at Pacing and Tension on the Opening Page

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Five

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through January 18, so there's a bit of a wait for submission feedback. The Sunday diagnostics will shorten that some when my schedule permits, but I wanted everyone to be aware.

NOTE: There's a revised snippet up for A Wicked Beginning: Does This Opening Work? for those curious to see how the writer revised.

This week’s questions:

1. The opening is working? Does it hook the reader and make them want to read more?
2. Is it paced well?
3. Can you 'feel' the tension and does it climb appropriately/proportionately?

Market/Genre: Unspecified

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Raising Tension in an Opening Scene

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Seven

Note: There's a revised submission up on the snippet with Si and Tay and the hostage for anyone who'd like to see how the writer revised.

This week’s questions:

I find I'm really struggling with hooking my audience. Everything I write tends to lean more towards introspection and I have a hard time writing action or tense scenes. So my question is, does this excerpt work as a good "hook" opening? What could I do to rev up the tension?

Market/Genre: Fantasy (likely YA)

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Did You Hear Something? Adding Tension to a Scene

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, check out the page for guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Six
Note: Due to the RLD backlog, I'll be running them on Sunday as well for a few weeks to catch up.

This week’s questions:
This is from a later-on chapter, with a group of soldier-in-training (Young Adult age, about 16) out in enemy territory. Is it tense enough, and does the scene flow?

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Are You Worried Yet? Heightening the Tension and Emotion in Your Scenes

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, check out the page for guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Seven

This week’s questions:

In this passage my MC is a member of a group that is hunting a dragon for a bounty. My MC refers to the dragon as 'she'. Kent is the leader and he's a bit of an adrenaline junkie, so he's going to try to shoot the thing out of the air when it jumps toward him. My MC used to date Kent, but now she only tolerates him and no longer trusts him. They are in a forest at night, parts of it are now on fire, and the dragon is leaping out of a dried-up creek bed.

I want to know if this is scene is exciting and tense, and if not, how can I make it so? Is the action paced well, does it speed along? do you get the sense of slowing as she's running toward Kent? Does her emotion come through? Is it interesting enough that you want to know what comes next?

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Do You Feel the Emotions or Did I Tell the Emotions?

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, check out the page for guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Five

This week’s questions:

My novel is YA, first person. This is further into my novel, and the main character, Jenna, has just witnessed a prison break-in where the intruders were killed (and these intruders had super powers-- something she didn't know existed). She's not used to this, and her primary goal was to rescue Pops.

My main questions are if this successfully conveys the MC's emotions (fear, panic, etc) and if it reads smoothly, as well as raising the tension in the scene. I've found that I have problems showing, rather than telling, emotions and inner dialogue, and I was wondering whether it's working or not in this scene.

On to the diagnosis…