Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Opening Scene Work for a MG Science Fiction Novel?

Critique By Maria D'Marco

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines. 

Submissions currently in the queue: One

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through March 23.

This week’s question:

Does my opening scene work for my MG sci-fi novel?

Market/Genre: Middle Grade Science Fiction

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Writing a Close Point of View

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines. 

Submissions currently in the queue: Two

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through March 30.

This week’s questions:

1. I am still struggling with close third POV, would you point out where I go out of close POV? And if there are spots that are right or close, could you point a few of those out too?

2. Is a clear character voice coming through, or is a lot coming out somewhat bland?

3. Is there enough description to follow? Or do I need more?

4. Is there enough interest to read on?

5. Is there enough magic or hinted at magic to indicate it's fantasy?

Market/Genre: Fantasy

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Romantic Thriller Opening Work?

Critique By Maria D'Marco

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines. 

Submissions currently in the queue: Four

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through April 6.

This week’s question:

Does this opening work?

Market/Genre: Romantic Thriller

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Middle Grade Opening Draw You In?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines. 

Submissions currently in the queue: Three

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through March 16.

This week’s questions:

Does this opening page work? Does the first paragraph pull you in? Or does it sound to young and ordinary?

Market/Genre: Middle Grade

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Scene Make You Want to Keep Reading?

Critique By Maria D'Marco

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: One

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through December 15.

This week’s questions:

1. Does this scene make you want to keep reading?

2. Does it show, not tell?

3. Is there enough information/description to set the scene for the reader?

Market/Genre: Unspecified

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Young Adult Christian Opening Make You Want to Read More?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines. 
 
Submissions currently in the queue: Three

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through September 8.

This week’s question:

1. Does the opening work?

Market/Genre: Young Adult (Christian) Fiction

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Would You Read On?

Critique By Maria D'Marco

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines. 
   
Submissions currently in the queue: Three

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through June 30.

This week’s questions:

1. Is the heroine dropped in the middle of the trouble?

2. Is there any “telling”?

3. Is there interior monologue without action?

4. Would you want to read on? 

Market/Genre: Christian Women’s Fiction

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Would You Keep Reading This Opening Scene?

Critique By Maria D'Marco

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Three

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through June 23.

This week’s questions:

Is the internalization, description, or narration too much at this point?

Is there too much background that sounds like an infodump?

Am I telling too much?

Would you want to keep reading?

Market/Genre: Unspecified

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Is This YA Opening Strong Enough to Hold Your Interest?

Critique By Maria D'Marco

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.


If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines. 
 
Submissions currently in the queue: Three

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through June 9.

This week’s questions:

Is the opening strong enough to hold readers’ interest (especially that of prospective publishers)?

Have I successfully woven background information into internalization?

Is it enough to have internalization as a response/reaction or should a physical/visceral/ physiological effect precede it?

Is the voice reflective of a well read, intelligent, yet insecure, 15-year-old?

Market/Genre: Young Adult / Coming of Age / Literary

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Would You Keep Reading?

Critique By Maria D'Marco

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.


If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines. 
 
Submissions currently in the queue: Two

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through February 17.

This week’s questions:

1. Does it have enough internalization, description, or narration?

2. Am I showing, not telling?

3. Does the dialogue sound natural and believable?

4. Would you want to keep reading?

Market/Genre: Unspecified

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Is This Action Scene Clear?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Eight 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through June 24.

This week’s questions:

1. Is it clear enough? Can you picture who does what when?

2. Is it vivid enough? I feel that the clearer I make the action of the scene, the more distant and clinical it gets. Does it have too much internalization, description, or narration? Or did I get the balance right?

3. Does the internalization/characterization of the protagonist work?

4. Do I have a blind spot—is there anything you think I should correct/improve on that I didn’t notice? 

Market/Genre: Unspecified

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Fantasy Opening Work?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Eight 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through April 15.

This week’s questions:

1. Is this engaging enough for a first scene?

2. It's hard to give more internal thoughts on this beginning, because the action is all of a sudden. Do you think I should try putting more internal thoughts in these first 250 words?

3. Even if the scene isn't good in overall, is there anything that would make you read the next page?

4. I had Melissa cursing in this scene, but some people said it was horrible and I took it away. It's not a problem for this scene, but she is a cursing type of person (which shows some of her background) and I wanted it to shock some other characters along the novel with her poor vocabulary. Can you give me a hint on how to deal with this?

Market/Genre: Fantasy

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Would You Keep Reading This Suspense Opening?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Six 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through February 4.

This week’s questions:

1. Do you feel a close POV? Is the internalization working?

2. Are you getting a sense of the conflict, goal and tone of the opening?

3. Would you read on?

Market/Genre: Suspense

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Paranormal Romance Opening Work?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Seven

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through February 4.

This week’s questions:

1. Is this a good opening?

2. Do you like Sarah?

3. Is there TOO MUCH of Sarah’s voice now?

4. Would you keep reading?

Market/Genre: Paranormal romance

Note: This is a revision to a previous submission.

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Historical Fiction Opening Work?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Five 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through August 22.

This week’s question:

Does this work as an opening and does it hold a reader’s attention enough to keep turning the pages?

Market/Genre: Historical fiction

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Is This YA Fantasy Character and World Relatable?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Four

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through June 13.

This week’s questions:

1. Is the MC relatable?

2. Does the voice work? There's not a lot of room for humor here, and I'm worried it might sound a little too serious.

3. Is the worldbuilding too heavy?

4. Does this opening create mystery/intrigue?

Market/Genre: YA fantasy

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Easing Readers Into Your Story

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Six

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through March 7.

This week’s questions:

I was wondering if this opening does a good job of captivating the reader without being confusing, and how to make the character development better.

Market/Genre: Young adult historical fantasy

NOTE: There's a revised query up on the story about magical servants and a class uprising for those curious to see how the author reworked it. They did a good job, so it might be interesting to those struggling with queries right now to see how one writer revised.

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Conveying Internal Thought Without Using Italics

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Two 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through November 29.

This week’s questions:

How do I go smoothly into the thoughts of my protagonist. I am writing in the third person but loathe to present thoughts as reported speech. I've been using italics but feel that is difficult for the reader. I'm not sure how to present or punctuate it. Any suggestions?

Market/Genre: Supernatural Romance

NOTE: There's a revised snippet for the fantasy for the piece struggling with names and infodumps for those curious to see how the author revised.

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This YA Opening Hook You?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: One + one resubmit

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through November 15.

This week’s questions: 

Does the opening hook you?
Is the description of the setting adequate?
Since the scene has no dialogue, is there enough internalization/emotion?
Do you care about the main character?
Does the story have a unique voice?

Market/Genre: Young Adult Romance

NOTE: There's a revised snippet of a humorous novel up for those curious to see how the writer reworked it

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Writing a Protagonist Who Doesn't Understand Emotions

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Four 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through November 1. To catch up after my hiatus, I'll be doubling up with Sunday diagnostics for the rest of the month.

This week’s questions:

1. Is this page interesting enough to keep the reader turning the page?

2. This protagonist does not understand emotions, though that will change the longer she stays in Liberty. Does she come off as flat?

Market/Genre: Adult science fiction

On to the diagnosis…