Real Life Diagnostics: How Do You Feel About This Character?

Critique By Maria D'Marco

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Three

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through October 20.

This week’s questions:

How does Synthea comes across? What will readers think of her, and her relationship with/feelings for Zafira?

Market/Genre: Science Fction

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Do You Connect with This Main Character?

Critique By Maria D'Marco

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Two

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through May 19.

This week’s questions:

Do you connect with the main character? Does it give you a better feel for who she is and what she wants? Is there enough happening in the beginning to catch your interest and keep you reading?

Market/Genre: YA Fantasy

Note: This is a revised submission. If you’d like to see how the writer revised, check out the original page.

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Historical Fiction Opening Work?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Nine 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through May 6.

This week’s questions:

I’m using my opening scene as a typical moment in Aemilia’s life. I would like it to feel natural, while at the same time establishing Aemilia’s impulsive and idealistic personality, her strained relationship with her brother (who has been away for ten years), while at the same time playfully alluding to a confusing political situation.

I feel like I might be trying to do too much -- does this feel forced? Does it show enough context to make sense? Does this scene shed light on the type of person Aemilia starts out as? Does it hint at problems or issues to come? Is the mention of the political situation distracting or confusing?

Market/Genre: Historical Fiction

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Can You Follow Along in This Sci Fi Opening?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Three 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through February 25.

This week’s questions:

1. How is the characterization? I'm trying to balance it out between the narrator (who has a strong voice, but the reader already met him in the prologue), while giving Naomi's character a chance to shine through.

2. Do you get an initial sense for what is going on?

3. Would it be engaging to a middle schooler (my target age group)?

Market/Genre: YA Science Fiction

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Character Introduction Work?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Four 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through February 25.

This week’s questions:

1. Is this a good character introduction scene for Kaden?

2. Do you get a good sense of Kaden’s relationship with his father? It’s supposed to be bitter and resentful due to Kaden being the “disappointing” child.

3. Have I made any mistakes with the first person present tense? Is it distracting?

Market/Genre: Psychological thriller

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This YA Paranormal Fiction Opening Draw You in?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Four

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through December 3.

This week’s questions:

Does starting with exposition work? Is there enough of a balance between dialogue and action? What kind of glimpse into their sibling relationship does this opening offer? How do the two characters contrast?

Market/Genre: YA Paranormal Fiction

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Would You Read On in This YA Fantasy?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Four

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through November 12.

This week’s questions:

1. Does this opening work?

2. Are you interested in the main character?

3. Would you read on?

Market/Genre: YA Fantasy

Please note: We have a younger writer with a first novel here, so bear that in mind when commenting. Thanks!

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Is This Character Introduction Scene Working?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Three

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through September 24.

This week’s questions:

1. Is this a good opening for introducing the second main character?

2. Are there any parts that drag on too much?

3. Do you see any show vs tell issues?

4. Do you see any potential problems as to why literary agents would stop reading past the "second" first page?

Market/Genre: Middle Grade Science Fiction

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Would You Keep Reading About This Character?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Five 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through April 16.

This week’s question: Would you would keep reading and whether the character is working, i.e. is she someone you're interested in following, so far?

Market/Genre: Adult Suspense

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Start With the Action, or the Characters?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Three 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through June 13.

This week’s question: I've received so many different ideas, advice and suggestions, and don't know now if I'm on the right track. I was told to tell something about the characters before jumping into the action, and that is what I've tried to do with the first few paragraphs. What do you think? 

Market/Genre: YA Romantic Thriller

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Grounding Readers in a Quiet Prologue

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Ten (+ two resubmits) Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through January 11 so there's a bit of a wait for submission feedback. The Sunday diagnostics will shorten that some when my schedule permits, but I wanted everyone to be aware.

This week’s questions:

Is this opening too slow? Is there enough to hook you, or do I need to increase the tension? Is the dialogue natural and the characters real? Do you feel grounded or confused? What kind of questions do you have that might keep you reading?

Market/Genre: YA Fantasy 

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Do You Like This Boy? Would You Read On?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Nine (+ two resubmits)

This week’s questions:

Does he seem like an 11yo boy that readers would want to get to know? Is it annoying that we don’t know right away what he might be hiding from (that comes about 3 sentences later)? Does this opening effectively entice the reader to want to read on. Would putting the alien introduction on page 5, in the second scene feel like I started this too early?

Market/Genre: Middle Grade Science Fiction

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Question it All: Things to Ask in Any Scene

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Ten (+ two resubmits)

This week’s questions:
1. Is it too choppy? Do I need more sentence variety?
2. Are the characters real to you? Do their reactions seem believable and realistic? (For fourteen year-olds)
3. I know this is an opinion based question, but is there enough description? If not, how do you weave that in there?
4. Do the characters, from what you can tell here, have their own voice? Or do they blend together?
5. Is it showing or telling?
6. Is there too much dialog?
7. Is the internalization good here? Or is too little or too much?

Market/Genre: Unspecified

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics Week: Developing Conflict and Character in an Opening Scene

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Eight (+ one re-submit)

NOTE: It's Real Life Diagnostics Week! (cue the dancing chickens) . To catch up on my overly full queue right now, I'll be doing crits all week (sans the regular guest posts, those will happen as usual). Next week, the off days will also have RLDs. By next Saturday, I should have all the older ones finished and be on the ones I've received over the last few weeks.

This week’s questions:

I tried to include some action and set up the conflict. More importantly, I want the reader to connect with my protagonist and her goal. I'm not sure if I succeeded. Does this opening hook you? Is there enough conflict and character development? Does it make you want to get to know Taela better?

Market/Genre: YA fantasy 

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Finding the Balance Between Action and Character

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Four

This week’s question:

I am working on the balance between action (conflict) and character that I think builds the hook. Based on feedback to date, I think this is especially tricky in Sci-fi, because a certain amount of scene setting must be done right out of the chute. So what I have attempted to do is play out the world building in bits, weaving it around bits of character development and the inciting incident. How well does this work? Do you care about Dylan? Does the world and what you see of the conflict have you hooked? Is the scenery and character description at an appropriate level? Is the balance between Dylan's internal problems and the big picture conflict into which he has fallen seem to work? Is the POV consistent and clear? Is the voice strong (passive/active, show/tell)?

Market/Genre: Science fiction

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Do You Get Her? Are the Character and Motivations Coming Through?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Seven

This week’s questions:

I've struggled to find the right opening. I have too many to count. I am concerned whether Kyra's motivation is coming through. Is there enough internalization? Do you have sense of who Kyra is? Are you hooked?

Market/Genre: YA fantasy

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Getting to Know Me: Character Focus in an Opening Scene

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, check out the page for guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Five

This week’s questions:
I'm trying to focus more on the character in this opening. I'm basically wondering if it works as an opening, but splitting up that up: Does this (rather obvious) opening hook actually hook? What impressions you get of the main character and her situation in the opening segment--is she interesting, likable? Does the opening drop enough hints of the speculative nature of eventual story? And finally, Does the 1st person present ever seem awkward?

Market/Genre: YA Science Fiction/Fantasy

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Meet Bryan and Finn. Do You Like Them?

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, check out the page for guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Five

This week’s questions:

This is the current opening of my main project, which is a YA Urban Fantasy. In this scene, the narrator, the protagonist, is meeting Finn, who is the co-protagonist.

Is too much happening on this page?
Is the narrator's voice interesting and consistent?
Is Finn an intriguing character?

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Quirky Characters: Can You Relate?

Real Life Diagnostics is a recurring column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, check out the page for guidelines.

Note: There’s just one more submission in the queue after this, so it’s a good time to submit.

This week’s questions:

One of your guest posts was on the danger of quirky characters. One of the major characters in the mouse mystery I'm writing is very quirky, and I wanted to know if this makes him too hard to identify with. The snippet below is a bit of dialogue from the scene where my narrator (a mouse) meets my quirky character (also a mouse) whose name is Donovan. I'd like to know if Donovan comes across as likable, or if he's just confusing and irritating.

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Establishing Character and Grabbing the Reader

Real Life Diagnostics is a recurring column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, check out the page for guidelines.

This week’s question:

I'd love for you to take a look at the opening 250 words of my middle-grade science fiction manuscript. I'd like to know if it's a good opener, if the main character is well-established (or perhaps introduced well is what I mean), etc.

On to the diagnosis…