Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Work as an Opening? Or Is it Boring?

Critique By Maria D'Marco

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: One

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through October 20.

This week’s questions:

Does this work as an opening? Or is it boring?

Market/Genre: YA Romance

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Would You Keep Reading This Middle Grade Opening?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Two

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through June 30.

This week’s questions: 

1. Does it hook you enough to want to read on?

2. Does it give you enough background to give you a sense of why he’s so nervous?

3. Does the last sentence work if I don’t let the reader know the reasoning behind it immediately.

Market/Genre: Middle Grade

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Scene Show a Strong Bond Between the Couple?

Critique By Maria D'Marco

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: One

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through April 28.

This week’s questions:

1. Does this scene successfully convey a playful, sexual connection without actually describing the act?

2. Does this scene show a strong bond between the couple?

3. The beach is a strong theme throughout the novel. Is it used effectively here?

4. Would you read on?

Market/Genre: Adult fiction (Please note: This snippet contains a non-graphic sex scene)

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Is This Opening Working?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: None

This week’s questions:

1. Is this a good opening?

2. Is there a clear, consistent, likeable introduction to who Sarah is?

3. Is it clear what Sarah’s problem is?

4. Does the line describing her physical reaction to the boy’s fear work?

5. Is there a good balance of telling vs showing?

Market/Genre: Women’s fiction with magical elements

This is round three for this opening. You can see prevision revisions here #1 and here #2

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This YA Paranormal Fiction Opening Draw You in?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Four

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through December 3.

This week’s questions:

Does starting with exposition work? Is there enough of a balance between dialogue and action? What kind of glimpse into their sibling relationship does this opening offer? How do the two characters contrast?

Market/Genre: YA Paranormal Fiction

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Is This Scene Too Much?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Five 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through December 3.

This week’s questions:

Is this scene too much? Is the writing too choppy, or does it work to convey the tone? This is the lowest point in the story; I'm trying to show a normally mellow character going momentarily insane, and then coming back to herself.

Market/Genre: Unspecified

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Adding Emotional Depth to a Scene

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Six 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through February 21.

This week’s questions:

Does it hook you? Does it make you feel?

Market/Genre: Young adult

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Wake Up Scene Work?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Three

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through January 3.

This week’s questions:

Does the opening work? Is it too blah or slow? I'm having a hard time with Elsi because she keeps her emotions very close to the vest. Do you get a sense of voice here with her? Do I need to rethink opening with her waking up since that's so cliché? 

Market/Genre: Young Adult Fantasy

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Using Emotion to Hook Readers

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: One

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through November 29.

This week’s questions:

Do you get a sense of scene, particularly the house being impressive in some way? Do you get a sense of how the protagonist (Alexis- she is named before the page is out) is feeling in this moment? What are you curious about and what areas need to be fleshed out more to increase your interest?

Market/Genre: Young Adult

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Bringing Out the Emotion in First Person POV

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Two

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through November 7.

This week’s questions:

Does this point of view fit the story? Is the main character someone you can feel sympathetic for? Does this make you wonder who stabbed him (and why), and why the sentries are so feared? Can you get a sense of the panic he's facing (such as him thinking short thoughts, worrying about something not that important, etc.) Most of all, does it make you want to read on?

Market/Genre: Young adult

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Showing Emotional Subtext in Your Scenes

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Three

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through September 6. The Sunday diagnostics will shorten that some if my schedule permits, but I wanted everyone to be aware of the submission to posting delay.

This week’s questions:

I'm focusing on the relationship between the MC (Eli) and the GF (Tanya). I want to show that they could be close, but that Eli's reluctance is causing cracks. Does this give the impression of love under tension? Also, is there a legitimate writing reason to hate that paragraph about the trauma survival network, or are my personal issues interfering with my objectivity? If it truly doesn't work, how can I fix it?

Market/Genre: Paranormal or urban fantasy

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: A Look at a Fantasy Opening: Would You Read On?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Three 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through August 30. The Sunday diagnostics will shorten that some if my schedule permits, but I wanted everyone to be aware of the submission to posting delay.

This week’s questions:

Does this work as an opening? Would you read on? (Is there a strong enough hook based on what you've read?) Does the genre come through based on what you've read so far?

Market/Genre: Fantasy (YA-Adult. I don't think there's an in-between age group)

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Starting With a Dream: Yay or Nay?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Four (+ two resubmits) 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through August 9. The Sunday diagnostics will shorten that some if my schedule permits, but I wanted everyone to be aware of the submission to posting delay.

This week’s questions:

Does it flow well? How can I get her emotion across better? Is there a better way to transition from the dream to real life? Is the nightmare a good way to hint at some major emotional/social issues Toria has?

Market/Genre: Unspecified

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Adding Emotions to a Scene

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Seven (+ 2 Resubmits)  

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through April 5. The Sunday diagnostics will shorten that some when my schedule permits, but I wanted everyone to be aware of the submission to posting delay.

This week’s questions:

1. Does this scene feel compelling?

2. This scene needs to be emotional and painful without being overly dramatic or sentimental. Am I portraying the fear and grief accurately?

3. There are a couple places where I used repetition to show how Minnie is struggling to comprehend and respond to what she sees. Does this work? Or should I cut the repetitive parts?

Market/Genre: YA Fantasy

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: An Interesting Show: Showing, Telling, and Hooking the Reader

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Four

This week’s questions:
Am I showing or telling? I know this isn't the exact opening, but can you still get a feel of what's going on? Will the reader get hooked on this part? Are the reactions normal? Does Ashley (the main character) rush her actions? Is there any unnecessary detail in this section? Is this scene interesting?

Market/Genre: YA Fantasy/Fiction

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: A Desperate Situation: Are You Feeling it?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, check out the guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Five

This week’s questions:

Do you get a sense of desperation in the beginning? Am I showing or telling (mostly)? Is my internalization okay?

Market/Genre: Unspecified

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Are You Worried Yet? Heightening the Tension and Emotion in Your Scenes

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, check out the page for guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Seven

This week’s questions:

In this passage my MC is a member of a group that is hunting a dragon for a bounty. My MC refers to the dragon as 'she'. Kent is the leader and he's a bit of an adrenaline junkie, so he's going to try to shoot the thing out of the air when it jumps toward him. My MC used to date Kent, but now she only tolerates him and no longer trusts him. They are in a forest at night, parts of it are now on fire, and the dragon is leaping out of a dried-up creek bed.

I want to know if this is scene is exciting and tense, and if not, how can I make it so? Is the action paced well, does it speed along? do you get the sense of slowing as she's running toward Kent? Does her emotion come through? Is it interesting enough that you want to know what comes next?

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Do You Feel the Emotions or Did I Tell the Emotions?

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, check out the page for guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Five

This week’s questions:

My novel is YA, first person. This is further into my novel, and the main character, Jenna, has just witnessed a prison break-in where the intruders were killed (and these intruders had super powers-- something she didn't know existed). She's not used to this, and her primary goal was to rescue Pops.

My main questions are if this successfully conveys the MC's emotions (fear, panic, etc) and if it reads smoothly, as well as raising the tension in the scene. I've found that I have problems showing, rather than telling, emotions and inner dialogue, and I was wondering whether it's working or not in this scene.

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Getting Emotional

Real Life Diagnostics is a recurring column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, check out the page for guidelines.

Revised snippet at the end of the post.

This week’s question:

I really want the reader to feel the hopelessness in this passage, to get the emotions really across. Does this convey that feeling successfully?

On to the diagnosis…