Real Life Diagnostics: Do You Like This Boy? Would You Read On?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Nine (+ two resubmits)

This week’s questions:

Does he seem like an 11yo boy that readers would want to get to know? Is it annoying that we don’t know right away what he might be hiding from (that comes about 3 sentences later)? Does this opening effectively entice the reader to want to read on. Would putting the alien introduction on page 5, in the second scene feel like I started this too early?

Market/Genre: Middle Grade Science Fiction

On to the diagnosis…

Original text:

Mike thought he’d be safe on the four-tiered bleachers at the community park—not as safe as outer space, but as close as he could get without hiding in his house. He re-read the letter his Science teacher had written for his Space Camp application while ignoring shouts and the soccer ball bashing into kids on the field. Three months and he’d be on his way to becoming the first teenage astronaut.

“C’mon Mike, we need another player.” Carlos stood with his hands spread wide and his usual grin splattered across his face.

It was the last thing he wanted to do with his after-school time, but Mike was never able to turn his best friend down. Maybe he wouldn’t do any worse than the kid whose pudgy cheeks were beet-red from trying to catch up to the action. He carefully folded the letter and put it into a back pocket.

Mike pretended he couldn’t run fast enough to get to the ball. Silly, because he was quick even if he was shorter than half the fifth-grade girls. It was just the whole kicking-the-ball thing that proved his lack of eye-to-foot coordination.

Maybe soccer balls bent space and interfered with his coordination. When the ball came his way, a tiny gravity field curved his leg sideways and then, just for fun, flipped Mike on his back. This definitely earned the most laughs from the other team and groans from everyone else except Carlos.

Mike’s failures never upset Carlos. “Good job, hermano, you almost walloped the ball into next week!”

My Thoughts in Purple:

Mike thought he’d be safe on the four-tiered bleachers at the community park—[not as safe as outer space, but as close as he could get without hiding in his house.] Intriguing. Makes me wonder what he's hiding from He re-read the letter his [Science teacher] Isn't 11 still in elementary school? They don't have different teachers for different subjects do they? had written for his Space Camp application while ignoring shouts and the soccer ball bashing into kids on the field. [Three months and he’d be on his way to becoming the first teenage astronaut. ] 11 isn't a teen, so this makes him seem older

“C’mon Mike, we need another player.” Carlos stood with his hands spread wide and his usual grin splattered across his face.

[It was the last thing he wanted to do with his after-school time,] Knowing what he'd rather do here would add a goal to the scene to help drive it but Mike was never able to turn his best friend down. Maybe he wouldn’t do any worse than the kid whose pudgy cheeks were beet-red from trying to catch up to the action. He carefully folded the letter and put it into a back pocket. If he's hiding, this could be a good moment for him to feel conflicted about joining in and risk being "found."

Mike pretended he couldn’t run fast enough to get to the ball. Silly, because he was quick even if he was shorter than half the fifth-grade girls. It was just the whole kicking-the-ball thing that proved his lack of eye-to-foot coordination.

[Maybe soccer balls bent space and interfered with his coordination. When the ball came his way, a tiny gravity field curved his leg sideways and then, just for fun, flipped Mike on his back. This definitely earned the most laughs from the other team and groans from everyone else except Carlos.] I'm not sure what's going on here. Is he pretending or does he actually have powers?

Mike’s failures never upset Carlos. “Good job, hermano, you almost walloped the ball into next week!”

The questions:

1. Does he seem like an 11yo boy that readers would want to get to know?

The teenage astronaut comment made him seem older, as does some of the language. He feels a little too self-aware for 11. I like that he runs slower than he can because he knows he can't kick the ball well, but I was confused why he'd fall on purpose, knowing he'd get teased. I just wasn't in his head enough to get a solid sense of who he is, though he does seem like a nice kid.

I'd suggest a little more narrative focus in this opening to help readers understand what's important to both Mike and the scene itself. Mike doesn't have a clear goal (aside from hiding where it's safe), so I'm not sure what the point of the scene is. Because of that, it's a little harder to connect with him because I'm trying to figure out where the story is going.

(More on narrative focus here)

Since the reason he's hiding is going to come into play in a few more sentences, then maybe add a little more apprehension or fear about him leaving the safety of the bleachers and playing soccer. Or maybe connect his life/issues to wanting to go to Space Camp. I get the sense that he hasn't sent in his application yet (since he still had the letters his teachers wrote), so maybe knowing why he wants to go would help readers relate to him more.

I like Mike, but there's nothing really drawing me into the story yet because there's no goal or conflict. I suspect the conflict will come from what he's hiding from, so perhaps the goal can be avoiding that.

(More on adding character goals here)

2. Is it annoying that we don’t know right away what he might be hiding from (that comes about 3 sentences later)?

Nope. I was intrigued by the line and didn't expect to find out right away. Though since it shows up soon, you might consider making his goal of hiding stronger to help drive the story forward. If the bleachers are safe, then leaving the bleachers puts him at risk. But he wants to please his best friend so he takes the risk anyway. (if that works for the story of course)

(More on revealing information here)

3. Does this opening effectively entice the reader to want to read on?

Yea and no. There's nothing in the text itself that hooks me, but Mike seems like a nice kid and if I liked the cover copy I'd keep reading. I don't get the sense that something is about to happen, so it feels more like setup so far. But since something is about to happen, then adding a stronger sense of that to this opening would up the tension and hook readers better.

(More on hooking readers here)

4. Would putting the alien introduction on page 5, in the second scene feel like I started this too early?

I can't say for sure without reading it, but if you've established Mike's world and problem by page 5, then that seems like a good spot. If readers are about to see why he's hiding, that suggests the problem is revealed right away, and readers will probably understand how the alien will fix and/or complicate that problem.

(More on opening scenes here)

Overall, this has some cute moments and likable characters, but I don't feel that the story has started yet. A little more sense of drive and goals from Mike would add that and help draw readers in, and make them worry about what he's hiding from. It wouldn't take much, just a few sentences of internalization here and there to suggest a goal and stakes for Mike. It feels like it's going in the right direction, but perhaps leave a few more clues for readers so they know that.

Thanks to our brave volunteer for submitting this for me to play with. I hope they–and others–find it helpful. I don’t do a full critique on these, (just as it pertains to the questions) and I encourage you to comment and make suggestions of your own. Just remember that these pieces are works in progress, not polished drafts, so be nice and offer constructive feedback.