Real Life Diagnostics: Start With the Action, or the Characters?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

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This week’s question: I've received so many different ideas, advice and suggestions, and don't know now if I'm on the right track. I was told to tell something about the characters before jumping into the action, and that is what I've tried to do with the first few paragraphs. What do you think? 

Market/Genre: YA Romantic Thriller

On to the diagnosis…

Original text:

Sixteen-year-old Dru’s thoughts were on baseball, not boys, as she and her best friend Andy trudged the eight blocks to school. “Did you watch the game last night? The Red Sox won.”

Unlike Dru, boys were constantly on Andy’s mind, especially one named Austin. Andy didn’t answer because she and Austin were texting. When she did speak, it was about another matter. “Austin just invited me to the school dance on Saturday. Do you want him to see if one of his friends will take you?”

Dru’s hair fell over her eyes when she shook her head. With a light touch she brushed the loose strands from her face. The sunlight peeking through the clouds made her long wavy locks glisten like flames in a fire.

“I’m not a charity case! If I want to go to the dance, I’ll ask someone. I don’t need Austin to find me a date.”

“Okay, Dru. I just thought it’d be nice if we doubled.”

Dru regretted her outburst and paused to apologize. “I’m sorry, Andy. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

Andy laughed. “Don’t worry about it. I’m used to your tirades.”

“My tirades!” Dru sputtered, and then she laughed, too. “You’re right. My temper does tend to take over at times.”

Standing at the top of an underground parking garage, Dru heard the loud rumbling sound of the BMW before she saw it. She peered down the slope leading into the garage. The black sports car was racing towards them!

My Thoughts in Purple:

Sixteen-year-old Dru’s thoughts were on baseball, not boys, as she and her best friend Andy trudged the eight blocks to school. “Did you watch the game last night? The Red Sox won.” Starting with this makes me think either boys or baseball are going to be the topic in the conflict in this scene

Unlike Dru, boys were constantly on Andy’s mind, especially one named Austin. Andy didn’t answer because she and Austin were texting. When she did speak, it was about another matter. “Austin just invited me to the school dance on Saturday. Do you want him to see if one of his friends will take you?” This reinforces the boys idea and makes me think that's where the conflict (action) with come

Dru’s hair fell over her eyes when she shook her head. With a light touch she brushed the loose strands from her face. The sunlight peeking through the clouds made her long wavy locks glisten like flames in a fire.

“I’m not a charity case! If I want to go to the dance, I’ll ask someone. I don’t need Austin to find me a date.”

“Okay, Dru. I just thought it’d be nice if we doubled.”

Dru regretted her outburst and paused to apologize. “I’m sorry, Andy. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

Andy laughed. “Don’t worry about it. I’m used to your tirades.”

“My tirades!” Dru sputtered, and then she laughed, too. “You’re right. My temper does tend to take over at times.” Since she gives in so fast, and the potential conflict is over, I’m not sure why this conversation is the first thing readers need to see

Standing at the top of an underground parking garage, Dru heard the loud rumbling sound of the BMW before she saw it. She peered down the slope leading into the garage. The black sports car was racing towards them!

The question:

1. I've received so many different ideas, advice and suggestions, and don't know now if I'm on the right track. I was told to tell something about the characters before jumping into the action, and that is what I've tried to do with the first few paragraphs. What do you think?

This is a tough balance to get right, and you’re not the only writer who’s gotten mixed advice about it. The reason for this advice is this:

Until readers care about the characters, they don’t care about the action happening to them, unless the action in and of itself is fascinating or compelling in some way. So the trick is to find an opening scene that offers readers something to pique their interest, as well as let them get to know the characters and become invested in what’s about to happen to them.

(Here's more on writing the opening scene)

I don’t think this scene is quite there yet, because the conversation feels more like filler before the car races toward them than a real problem the girls are trying to solve. There’s nothing that matters in the conversation. I also don’t learn much about who Dru and Andy are aside from one being a bit boy crazy and the other not. There’s a hint of conflict over the dance, but it’s resolved immediately. The conversation also doesn’t get them to the car in any way (such as Dru gets mad and stalks off, which puts her in the path of the car), which adds to the filler feel. They could be talking about anything and the car would still race out exactly the same.

The rumbling paragraph is actually a more compelling opening for me (readers chime in here). A car is racing out, and something is going on. I’m curious what. What comes next would determine if I kept reading of not.

If the story shifted to a description of the car and focused solely on the action of it, I’d probably put it down. Without context for the car or why it matters, I will likely lose interest fast, because there’s no conflict or mystery to hold reader attention (which is why people advice against “starting with the action”).

If the story shifted into a description about Dru and Andy and what they’re doing on that street, explaining who they are and how they got there, I’d probably also put it down, because it loses all the momentum from the racing car. Why show something about to happen and then veer off to infodump with nothing going on? (Which is why people advise “starting with the action”).

If the story showed Dru’s reaction to the car, and that reaction illustrated her personality, and I saw her protect Andy or do something likable, and the car led to some conflict or a mystery I wanted to see answered, then I’d have a lot of things to pique my interest and I’d keep reading (which is why my advice concerning the opening scene is, “start with something interesting happening to interesting people”).

(Here's more on hooking readers)

As is, there’s no interesting something happening to interesting people quite yet. I don’t know Dru or Andy enough to see what makes them great characters, and the car is a random car racing out. The car could hit them, and something bad might happen, so that catches my attention a little. But it’s also possible it will veer off and zoom past them and become a “something weird happened in the garage and this is a clue” device. The girls will say “whew, that was close” and go back to walking to school and talking about boys.

Such is the problem with “random event happening out of the blue” in an opening scene. Readers have no context for it, so they can’t care or anticipate anything.

(Here's more on context)

For this scene, I think it’s going it depend on what happens next, and what you want the car to do/be. If this is a big moment and things happen that affect the plot or Dru’s character arc, you could start with it and let readers get to know Dru and Andy as they experience the “car event.” If this is a clue or a foreshadowed event and the car is a near miss, you’d likely need another conflict to drive this opening scene. It’s hard to build off a “protagonist is just the wrong place at the wrong time” trope, because it often winds up feeling like setup and not story.

Since this is a romantic thriller, it’s possible the dance plot is vital to the plot and this conversation will actually affect how the story unfolds. If so, then you might consider making it longer and showing the conflicts and problems in this arc. Does Dru have a goal connected to the dance? Is the romance connected to the car in any way? Is there an ongoing conflict between her and Andy?

I’d suggest looking for a way to merge the action with the character that lets one lead to or affect the other so there’s a sense of forward story momentum. From a plotting standpoint, romance = character, while thriller = plot. So you'll have both character and action expectations to satisfy. You'll want readers to feel like something thrilling is about to happen, even if it's not what they expect, and see where the romance aspect will come from.

What is going to make readers keep reading? What will they worry and wonder about? You could also look for subplots or conflicts later in the book and see if any could start here (even if they started small) to lay groundwork and provide a plot-driving conflict for the opening scene. Or you could make the dance a stronger conflict.

(Here's more on knowing where to start your novel)

Overall, my instincts say this isn’t the right opening yet, and what happens now that the car has appeared will suggest what the right opening should be. Try thinking about the point of the car to the story and what you want readers to think after this scene.

Thanks to our brave volunteer for submitting this for me to play with. I hope they–and others–find it helpful. I don’t do a full critique on these, (just as it pertains to the questions) and I encourage you to comment and make suggestions of your own. Just remember that these pieces are works in progress, not polished drafts, so be nice and offer constructive feedback.