Real Life Diagnostics: Would This Prologue Make You Read On?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

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This week’s question:

This is my prologue for an online serial http://burtabreu.wordpress.com I notice in the site stats that a large amount of people (of the small amount reading) only read as far as the prologue so I would like a review to see what might be lacking to help me better hook the readers. 

Market/Genre: Unspecified

On to the diagnosis…

Original text:

Thunder boomed through the hull as the ship struggled up the wave, its prow canted sharply skyward. Dark clouds, flickering with unseen lightning, pressed heavily on the sea and sleet rattled against the decks in a steady torrent of sound. The vessel shuddered and groaned as chunks of ice split against the wedge-shaped bow sending water and glass-like shards flying down the length of the ship.

Despite the violence of the storm, the white wood of the enormous ship was largely unmarked, save for some slowly healing gouges climbing the forward face of the ship. A large horn, with metal caps on bell and mouthpiece, was mounted horizontally about halfway between the bow and stern. A few steps behind it an oilskin wrapped shape began to move.

The glaze ice coating the water-proof cloth cracked and was quickly whipped away by the storm as the old man nestled within shifted in his seat. He observed the furious effects of the Felwind and sensed the Wanderer’s passage above the clouds at the nexus of the storm. His thoughts churned like the sea, full of the passage of years and the uncertain path laid before him. I was called and set apart against these very days, yet the years passed and I hoped they would not come. He considered the twin cargoes of despair and hope riding in the bowels of the ship, and reluctantly turned his head to gaze at the huge malformed tentacle pinned to the deck by Natan’s spear.

So much suffering and death… he sighed, the heart-weary sigh of one with an impossible burden, and pulled the coverings tighter. At least I can prepare them. And with that he settled into the dark, assaulted by wind and ice and savage seas, just another flickering shadow on the racing ship.

My Thoughts in Purple:

Thunder boomed through the hull as the ship struggled up the wave, its prow canted sharply skyward. Dark clouds, flickering with unseen lightning, pressed heavily on the sea and sleet rattled against the decks in a steady torrent of sound. The vessel shuddered and groaned as chunks of ice split against the wedge-shaped bow sending water and glass-like shards flying down the length of the ship. Since this first paragraph is all description, you might consider adding thoughts or dialogue from a person next to draw readers into a character and something going on

Despite the violence of the storm, the white wood of the enormous ship was largely unmarked, save for some slowly healing gouges climbing the forward face of the ship. A large horn, with metal caps on bell and mouthpiece, was mounted horizontally about halfway between the bow and stern. There’s really no new information here about the story, just more description, so the pace is dragging [A few steps behind it an oilskin wrapped shape began to move.] This detail is interesting, but it’s getting a little lost in all the description

The glaze ice coating the water-proof cloth cracked and was quickly whipped away by the storm as [the old man nestled within shifted in his seat.] So this is what moved? It seemed more ominous, so this feels like a let down [He observed the furious effects of the Felwind and sensed the Wanderer’s passage above the clouds at the nexus of the storm.] Feels detached, so even though there’s a character now, I don’t feel any connection to him His thoughts churned like the sea, full of the passage of years and the uncertain path laid before him. [I was called and set apart against these very days, yet the years passed and I hoped they would not come.] I feel like this ought to carry weight, but it’s coming across as a “vague foreshadow of doom” thought that tells me nothing about the story to come [He considered the twin cargoes of despair and hope] but how? What is he thinking about? riding in the bowels of the ship, and reluctantly turned his head to gaze at the [huge malformed tentacle] Does this mean the ship had been attacked? It’s a neat detail, but there’s not enough context for me to know what it means pinned to the deck by Natan’s spear.

So much suffering and death… he sighed, the heart-weary sigh of one with an impossible burden, and pulled the coverings tighter. [At least I can prepare them.] Is he talking about the pair in the hold? And with that he settled into the dark, assaulted by wind and ice and savage seas, just another flickering shadow on the racing ship.

The question:

1. What might be lacking to help me better hook the readers?

Right now, this has many common prologue issues. It’s more description and mood than story, it doesn’t offer a character with a problem, and it’s too vague to understand what’s going on or why it matters. It’s a scene that tells readers nothing about the story or what they’re about to read. It also doesn’t appear to have anything to do with the opening chapter that (I assume, by my quick peek at the link) shows the protagonist.

The opening chapter of this book follows a different character in a different location, so I wonder if you need the prologue at all. What does this prologue gain you? Why is it critical for readers to see this moment of the story? Would this information work better if the protagonist learned of it later when the information was relevant to the plot?

(Here’s more on diagnosing if you need a prologue or not)

One reason why so many people advise against prologues, is that they often mean something only to the person who wrote it, or to those who’ve already read the book. The goal is to setup a mystery, but the prologue doesn’t actually offer enough details to hook readers and make them curious about that mystery. In the rare cases where they do, the mystery is often immediately dropped as the story picks up in the first chapter with other characters. Essentially, the story starts over and has to re-hook the reader.

This prologue has that feel. I suspect the story will actually focus on the first chapter character, and the ship and the twins will enter his life in some way shortly. Maybe it’s a shipwreck, maybe it’s a bit of wreckage, or maybe it’s a story of something that happened years ago. I’ve no way of knowing, because the prologue doesn’t set the scene enough to know how it connects to the next chapter. Is it the same day or a thousand years before? There’s no way to know yet.

The prologue could also potentially steal some of the story’s tension. If the protagonist is going to encounter the ship and/or the twins, and readers already know a little about them, that offers one less mystery for them to unravel.

To hook readers, I’d actually advise dropping the prologue and adding a cover copy page to your serial instead. I think providing a blurb and tease what the novel is about will help readers understand what they’re about to read and provide some context for the story. As is, the prologue comes across as a dark, distant, and moody tale of an old sailor facing a dire event, but the opening chapter is a boy helping his father. The tone feels very different. I also don’t know who this novel is aimed at—teens or adults.

If you feel the prologue needs to stay, I’d suggest finding a way to let it establish the mystery of the plot a little better. How might you tie it into the protagonist so the connection is clear? Perhaps the old man can share more of his thoughts about the twins and where they’re going, or a slightly larger sense of the overall problem could be hinted at. You don’t need to give the plot away, but a sense that there’s a specific problem with stakes that someone is going to have to deal with is enough. Show a character acting in some way to solve a problem, even if it’s just the old man trying to weather the storm and protect his cargo.

Be wary of vague generic statements, though. Fantasy is full of portents and omens and “dark things coming,” so none of these details mean anything to readers anymore. It’s a scene they’ve seen hundreds of times before, which is why they skip these types of prologues so often. They know the prologue doesn’t matter and the story actually starts with chapter one. So either make the prologue matter by showing information they need (and are intrigued by) or cut it so you can get right to the story and hook them there.

Whichever way you choose, remember that an opening scene (be in chapter one or a prologue) has to accomplish several things to hook a reader. 1. Offer them a compelling character, with a compelling problem, and a mystery to solve with questions that need answers. 2. Offer an amazing narrative voice with a compelling character that makes them want to hang out with this person even if nothing is actually happening yet.

(Here’s more on crafting a strong opening scene)

Overall, I’d recommend cutting the prologue and starting with the story and see how it goes. You already know it’s not drawing readers in, and dropping it is the easiest fix. If the low numbers continue, you can look for other culprits.

Thanks to our brave volunteer for submitting this for me to play with. I hope they–and others–find it helpful. I don’t do a full critique on these, (just as it pertains to the questions) and I encourage you to comment and make suggestions of your own. Just remember that these pieces are works in progress, not polished drafts, so be nice and offer constructive feedback.