Real Life Diagnostics: Writing a Close Point of View

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines. 

Submissions currently in the queue: Two

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through March 30.

This week’s questions:

1. I am still struggling with close third POV, would you point out where I go out of close POV? And if there are spots that are right or close, could you point a few of those out too?

2. Is a clear character voice coming through, or is a lot coming out somewhat bland?

3. Is there enough description to follow? Or do I need more?

4. Is there enough interest to read on?

5. Is there enough magic or hinted at magic to indicate it's fantasy?

Market/Genre: Fantasy

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Fantasy Opening Draw Your In?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Two 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through November 11.

This week’s questions:

Does the hint of backstory related to the primary character's sword feel intriguing or too much to handle this early? Does the close 3rd person POV maintain throughout the scene? Regarding the sentence: "The squeak of grinding gears was faint, but unmistakable." Is the phrase "but unmistakable" seem like it is telling? To me, it heightens the drama and is something that the character would think, so I don't believe I have lost the close 3rd person POV. Do you agree?

Regarding the phrase: "Facial muscles twisted against even a single blink." This is telling, but I feel it's OK in this instance. Do you agree? If not, what would you recommend for a rewrite? Regarding the sentence: "Though the elevated position armed them with a strategic advantage, the withering brush provided minimal concealment." I think this avoids telling as it would be logical for the primary character to be thinking in these terms. Do you agree? Regarding the phrase: "His hand floated to the hilt..." I am not one of those authors opposed to writing in the style of the "disembodied body part". What are your thoughts on this?

Is the setting clear? Have I succeeded in adding in enough conflict? (Conflict between the two characters and also the pending conflict with whatever is lurking in the orchard) Do the characters feel real? Do you feel tension/danger at the end? Any other Show, Don't Tell opportunities?

Market/Genre: Fantasy

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This MG Scene Feel Told or Shown?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Three 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through October 28.

This week’s questions:

Is there enough showing in this scene to make it exciting for a reader? Would they want to read on? Is the balance of showing and telling right or is it still just telling? Does the scene work?

Market/Genre: Middle Grade

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Is This MG Opening Clear Enough to Make You Read On?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Five

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through October 28.

This week’s questions:

Is this clear enough for someone to want to read further, is there enough ‘show’.
Market/Genre: Middle Grade

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Opening Scene Work?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Five 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through August 5.

This week’s questions:

1. Does this scene seem to work?

2. Is the POV right?

3. What about when Cole trips and bumps into the table and spills the coffee? 

Market/Genre: Unspecified

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This YA Fantasy Opening Hook You?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Seven 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through July 29.

This week’s questions:

1. Is the opening enough to hook the reader?

2. Is it intriguing rather than confusing?

3. What conclusions can you draw about the world and the characters’ place in it?

4. The POV is close third, how successful is this?

5. The scene ends with the girl waking up. She is the main POV and protagonist. Would you be annoyed not to be in Jessen’s POV again until halfway through book? (The trigger for POV shifts is the protagonist being unconscious.)

6. Would you read on? Why/Why not?

Market/Genre: Young Adult Fantasy

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Historical Fiction Opening Work?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Seven 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through June 24.

This week’s questions:

1. Tut is a six-year-old boy in this scene. Is he coming off as age-appropriate and realistic, or more like a caricature of a child?

2. I'm struggling a bit with point of view. I keep switching between third-person limited (like this scene) and third-person omniscient, trying to figure out which one works best. Does the point of view work in this scene? Do I need to get more into Tut's head?

3. Does this work as an opening?

4. Am I showing or telling?

Market/Genre: Biographical Historical Fiction

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Would You Keep Reading This Suspense Opening?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Six 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through February 4.

This week’s questions:

1. Do you feel a close POV? Is the internalization working?

2. Are you getting a sense of the conflict, goal and tone of the opening?

3. Would you read on?

Market/Genre: Suspense

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Showing and Telling in a Middle Grade Novel

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Five 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through November 5.

This week’s questions:

1. Does the opening interest you? Why? Or why not?

2. Is the show/tell balance okay?

3. Do you want to know where the story is going?

4. Does the tone seem right for the audience?

Market/Genre: Middle Grade Historical

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does the Opening of This Romantic Thriller Work?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Three

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through May 28.

This week’s question:

Does this opening work?

Market/Genre: Romantic thriller

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Historical Opening Grab You?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Six 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through February 13.

This week’s questions:

This is my first attempt at writing a novel. I would like to know if this opening is gripping enough to make you want to turn the page, or if it is too obscure or confusing. It is still a very rough draft, so any pointers on where I am telling instead of showing or switching tenses would be much appreciated as well.

Market/Genre: Adult Historical Science Fiction with aspects of Historical Mystery

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Would You Keep Reading This Short Story?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Two 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through October 24.

This week’s questions:

1. Am I starting the story to early? Right now it goes: Fire extinguished, call from ex-wife to place urgency on time, little girl confronts him. Would it be better to start at the moment the girl asks him to save the teddy bear?

2. Since most of my opening is narration I tried to inject some of the character's voice in the opening line so it's not a complete surprise when internalization starts (at the end of my submission; when he nudges his helmet up off his forehead). Is this a good idea? Also, is it ok for narration to sound clean and concise while voice is more casual?

3. Overall does this opening work/ would you read on?

Market/Genre: Short Story

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Should I Write in Third Person Present Tense?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Four 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through July 11.

This week’s question:

My critique partners and I are having a discussion about point of view and tense, and I’d like your opinion. I’m writing a YA contemporary novel with a third person omniscient narrator, in present tense. One of my critique partners emphatically dislikes the third person present POV and says I should change it to past tense.

I’ve been rereading your posts about POV and the potential for omniscient third person narration to sound like the author’s thoughts intruding, as well as a tendency for writers to “show not tell” when writing in this POV. I’ve also read other resources on whether third person present tense is an acceptable POV/tense and haven’t gotten a clear yes or no. Could you please share your thoughts on both third person present tense narration and whether this scene as written shows or tells?

Market/Genre: YA Contemporary

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Is This YA Fantasy Character and World Relatable?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Four

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through June 13.

This week’s questions:

1. Is the MC relatable?

2. Does the voice work? There's not a lot of room for humor here, and I'm worried it might sound a little too serious.

3. Is the worldbuilding too heavy?

4. Does this opening create mystery/intrigue?

Market/Genre: YA fantasy

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This YA Mystery Opening Hook You?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Six 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through February 28.

This week’s questions:

Do you think the book’s opening would hook readers? Does the chapter heading work (trying to create foreboding)? Have I got the YA voice right? Does the tone feel right for a murder mystery or is it too humorous / too light? Does my writing flow? Does my POV work (aside from the opening paragraph, trying to stick to third person limited)? And I’d love to know if you think the overall plot works? Do you think the plot / writing would appeal to agents?

Market/Genre: Young adult

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Bringing Out the Emotion in First Person POV

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Two

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through November 7.

This week’s questions:

Does this point of view fit the story? Is the main character someone you can feel sympathetic for? Does this make you wonder who stabbed him (and why), and why the sentries are so feared? Can you get a sense of the panic he's facing (such as him thinking short thoughts, worrying about something not that important, etc.) Most of all, does it make you want to read on?

Market/Genre: Young adult

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Creating Dread in a Short Story Opening

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Four (+ one resubmit)

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through August 23. The Sunday diagnostics will shorten that some if my schedule permits, but I wanted everyone to be aware of the submission to posting delay.

This week’s questions:

1. Tosha is 8 and Daniel is 10 - does this come across as likely in this opening scene?

2. Is there any sense that trouble is coming?

3. I'm not sure if my narrator is omniscient or if it's 3rd person, but shifting from one to the other. Either way, is it working all right?

4. Is it more showing than telling?

Market/Genre: Adult Short Story

NOTE: There's also a revised snippet about the boy trying to drink away his problem for those curios to see how the author reworked it.

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: A Prologue From a First-Time Writer

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Three (+ one resubmit) 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through July 19. The Sunday diagnostics will shorten that some if my schedule permits, but I wanted everyone to be aware of the submission to posting delay.

This week’s questions:

Does this prologue work? Does it sound kind of poetic? Does it make you want to read more?

Special Note: This is a brave first-time writer putting work out there, so please bear that in mind while commenting on this piece.

Market/Genre: Mystery/Fantasy

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Scene Hook You?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Five 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through July 12. The Sunday diagnostics will shorten that some if my schedule permits, but I wanted everyone to be aware of the submission to posting delay.

This week’s questions:

1. Does the scene sufficiently grab the reader's attention?
2. Are you confused at any point (but especially in the first paragraph) about the POV?
3. Does the scene work?
4. Is there too much description?
5. Are there any parts that you just don't like?

Market/Genre: Science Fiction

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: POV and Voice in a YA Historical Opening

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Six (+ 1 Resubmit) 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through May 3. The Sunday diagnostics will shorten that some when my schedule permits, but I wanted everyone to be aware of the submission to posting delay.

This week’s questions:

Am I doing POV correctly? Is the "voice" appealing to you? Does it grab you as a first scene should?

Market/Genre: YA Historical Fiction

On to the diagnosis…