Real Life Diagnostics: Writing a Close Point of View

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines. 

Submissions currently in the queue: Two

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through March 30.

This week’s questions:

1. I am still struggling with close third POV, would you point out where I go out of close POV? And if there are spots that are right or close, could you point a few of those out too?

2. Is a clear character voice coming through, or is a lot coming out somewhat bland?

3. Is there enough description to follow? Or do I need more?

4. Is there enough interest to read on?

5. Is there enough magic or hinted at magic to indicate it's fantasy?

Market/Genre: Fantasy

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This YA Scene Hold Your Interest?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: None

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are open.

This week’s question:

1. Is this scene working?

Market/Genre: Young Adult Fantasy

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This MG Science Fiction Opening Pull You In?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: One

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through November 17.

This week’s questions:

1. Given that the uni-pad is described/explained a bit in the prologue, does the way the device is mentioned in the first chapter work?

2. If you were querying a literary agent or publisher with this manuscript, would you supply the prologue first or go straight to the first chapter?

3. Even though the character's word choice and diction are a bit elevated, does it still work for this MG story/character?

4. Does introducing the chair the main character is sitting on as a "fully-reclined leather chair" but then calling it a "uni-pad chair" a bit later jolt you as the reader?

5. Lastly, does this opening pull you in? Is there enough here to keep you wanting to read more?

Market/Genre: Middle Grade Science Fiction

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Would You Keep Reading This YA Fantasy Opening?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Two

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through July 14.

This week’s questions:

1. Would you want to keep reading?

2. Is the description too much at this point?

3. Does it sound like Fantasy or is the language too modern?

4. Does the mental and physical state of the protagonist match her actions?

5. Does this opening work?

Market/Genre: YA Fantasy

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Is This Opening Working?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: None

This week’s questions:

1. Is this a good opening?

2. Is there a clear, consistent, likeable introduction to who Sarah is?

3. Is it clear what Sarah’s problem is?

4. Does the line describing her physical reaction to the boy’s fear work?

5. Is there a good balance of telling vs showing?

Market/Genre: Women’s fiction with magical elements

This is round three for this opening. You can see prevision revisions here #1 and here #2

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Description Feel Like a List?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Nine 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through June 10.

This week’s questions:

My biggest concern is the next to last paragraph telling about the flowers. Is this too much of a list, or is it too descriptive? Does this show it's a big, expensive gift or is there a better way to express that? Is there a better way to say she quietly gasped?

Market/Genre: Contemporary Romance

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does the Opening of This Romantic Thriller Work?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Three

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through May 28.

This week’s question:

Does this opening work?

Market/Genre: Romantic thriller

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Easing Readers Into Your Story

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Six

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through March 7.

This week’s questions:

I was wondering if this opening does a good job of captivating the reader without being confusing, and how to make the character development better.

Market/Genre: Young adult historical fantasy

NOTE: There's a revised query up on the story about magical servants and a class uprising for those curious to see how the author reworked it. They did a good job, so it might be interesting to those struggling with queries right now to see how one writer revised.

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Setting up A Speculative Fiction World

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Five 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through September 18. Any Sunday diagnostics will shorten that some if my schedule permits, but I wanted everyone to be aware of the submission to posting delay.

This week’s questions:

1. Despite the third person POV, do you still connect with the protagonist or does it come across as too distant?

2. Is the narrative voice engaging?

3. Is the undefined (for now) terminology too distracting or does it entice you to read more in order to find out what it means?

4. As an opening, does it effectively balance genre-setting, world-building and character introductions or should the focus be redistributed?

5. Does knowing the 'back-cover blurb' (the story's background), give me a 'get out of jail free' card to avoid direct/immediate conflict in this scene, in favor of hinting at the deeper conflict and tension of the overall book? 

Market/Genre: Speculative Fiction/Adult Dystopian

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Are There Enough Details to Describe This Setting?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Four (+ 1 Resubmit) 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through April 12. The Sunday diagnostics will shorten that some when my schedule permits, but I wanted everyone to be aware of the submission to posting delay.

This week’s questions:

Is it enough information to form a setting? If not, what's a good way to slip it in there subtly? As for the comment about Olivia's hair, can you assume it's black? Is there enough voice (or maybe too much)? Do you have any small pointers even though it's only about 250 words? 

Market/Genre: Unspecified

NOTE: There's a revised snippet at the bottom, so just scroll down if you'd like to see how the writer revised.

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Developing the Setting in an Opening Scene

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Six (+ 2 Resubmits)  

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through April 5. The Sunday diagnostics will shorten that some when my schedule permits, but I wanted everyone to be aware of the submission to posting delay.

This week’s questions:

Is the environment developed enough? Is the character interesting? Would you read on?

Market/Genre: Unspecified

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: A Look at a Middle Grade Opening. Does it Draw You in?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Seven (+ 1 Resubmit) 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through March 22. The Sunday diagnostics will shorten that some when my schedule permits, but I wanted everyone to be aware of the submission to posting delay.

This week’s questions:

Does it make you want to read more - and if not, what can be done to make it stronger? Is there enough description to grab you?

Market/Genre: Middle Grade

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: How Much World Building is Too Much in an Opening Scene?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy 

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Six  

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through February 22. The Sunday diagnostics will shorten that some when my schedule permits, but I wanted everyone to be aware of the submission to posting delay.

This week’s questions:

This is the start of a fantasy-mystery, both of a book and a series. It is set in one of my worlds and I am trying to set up that world, the main character, and the inciting incident (and, of course, get the reader to want to read more!). My question or concern is How much world building is too much for a beginning? I try to keep a balance between story and world building, but I'm not sure whether what I do works or not. Does this opening work, do you think?

Market/Genre: Fantasy

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Question it All: Things to Ask in Any Scene

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Ten (+ two resubmits)

This week’s questions:
1. Is it too choppy? Do I need more sentence variety?
2. Are the characters real to you? Do their reactions seem believable and realistic? (For fourteen year-olds)
3. I know this is an opinion based question, but is there enough description? If not, how do you weave that in there?
4. Do the characters, from what you can tell here, have their own voice? Or do they blend together?
5. Is it showing or telling?
6. Is there too much dialog?
7. Is the internalization good here? Or is too little or too much?

Market/Genre: Unspecified

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Creating an Evocative Mood in a Memoir

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Seven

This week’s questions:

I am trying to be evocative without over-doing it or being too obvious. Can the reader picture this scene and/or feel a part of it? How can I create a certain, in this case reflective, mood?

Market/Genre: Memoir

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: An Interesting Show: Showing, Telling, and Hooking the Reader

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Four

This week’s questions:
Am I showing or telling? I know this isn't the exact opening, but can you still get a feel of what's going on? Will the reader get hooked on this part? Are the reactions normal? Does Ashley (the main character) rush her actions? Is there any unnecessary detail in this section? Is this scene interesting?

Market/Genre: YA Fantasy/Fiction

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Take a Look at This Guy: Describing Characters Through POV

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, check out the page for guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Six
Note: Due to the RLD backlog, I'll be running them on Sunday as well for a few weeks to catch up.

This week’s questions:
1) Does the POV work here? Or will it be better if I changed it to the 1st POV?

2) I wanted this scene to show the physical appearance of the character using another character. Just to make it different from the usual. Does it work here? Or is it too dragging?

3) Are the feelings of the girl conveyed properly? Or do you, as a reader, feel something here?
*** This scene happens somewhere in the middle.

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: A Guy Walks Into a Bar...Setting and Secondary Characters

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, check out the page for guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Eight

This week’s question:

This excerpt is about 30k words in, and the main characters and settings have already been established. I'm introducing a secondary character and a completely different setting, and wanted opinions on whether I did it effectively. My questions:

1. Is the transition from setting to character smooth/effective?

2. Do you get a good sense of the setting, or is more needed?

3. What are your impressions of Caden, and would you want to read more about him?

And finally...Do you think the content is ok for YA?

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Avalanche Feel Real to You?

Real Life Diagnostics is a recurring column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, check out the page for guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Three

This week’s question:

I'm wrestling with a part of my novel that has stuff happening that I've just never experienced myself. This case in point is an avalanche. I've done research. I've watched videos. But I've never lived in the high mountains. I've never even gone downhill skiing (only cross-country). So I've been working on this and I just can't tell anymore...Does this seem plausible? Convincing? And does it flow well? The first couple run-throughs there were some transition and order problems. This is set in late medieval times in fantasy/historical novel.

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Integrating the World

Real Life Diagnostics is a recurring column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, check out the page for guidelines.

This week’s questions:

1. Did I integrate the setting details at a good point? I'm not sure, because it's sort of an emotional point for Dwyth, so maybe it's a bad place. Prior to the details in this passage, I had dropped in that they're in a "log hut," but that's it.

2. My main question: How do you feel about the "infodump" regarding his internalization of his failing and his personal history? Is it too telling? Too long? Too much info too early in the story? Or do you think it grounds the reader at a good spot in the story? Or, perhaps, do you think there's a better way to integrate that info, and, if so, what do you think would be better?

On to the diagnosis…