Real Life Diagnostics: Is This Narration Confusing?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: One

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through September 15.

This week’s questions:

Can I jump around in time (and some POV) in a short story? 

The narration has both present and past tense. Does this confuse the reader? 

Does the title work as a play on the day and the outcome to the story? 

Am I asking the reader to intuit and deduce too much. For example, the man wants to kill himself on a Sunday because that is the day his wife died? The wife helped the man make decisions, and he recalls her words because of the sunshine, and that forces him to make a decision. Too much?

Market/Genre: Short Story

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: Narrative Flow and Voice in an Action Thriller Opening

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Nine (+ two resubmits)
 
Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through January 11 so there's a bit of a wait for submission feedback. The Sunday diagnostics will shorten that some when my schedule permits, but I wanted everyone to be aware.

This week’s questions:

Does the flow of sentences/paragraphs work? Is Angel’s voice coming through loud enough? Is the first line/paragraph agent-worthy? Would you turn the page?

Market/Genre: Action thriller

On to the diagnosis…

Real Life Diagnostics: A Friendly Problem: Starting With Narrative

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Six

This week’s questions:

I've chosen to begin with narrative in order to--I hope--establish character and the story problem. Is this is an effective opening?

Market/Genre: Middle Grade Contemporary

NOTE: There's also an updated submission from July--the "angry girl basketball player" scene for those curious in how the author revised.

On to the diagnosis…