WIP Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.
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This week’s questions:
1. Is there enough tension to make you keep reading?
2. Are the characters clear and differentiated?
3. Does the showing reveal character and propel plot?
Market/Genre: Murder Mystery
On to the diagnosis…
Original Text:
The strong breeze lifted her auburn hair as she watched her father row. He rowed as he did everything: with precision and purpose. The oars dipped the water, just to the right depth to make the most of the propulsion when he pulled back. Watching him brought to mind Gustav. He had come sailing with them; sometimes her brothers would join them but her father would always row. She would sit where she was now, Gustav next to her, holding her hand or his comforting arm around her. Her hair would blow in his face and he’d complain and she’d say she’d get it all cut off.
Her father cut off her thoughts: “We’ll be need plenty of belly in the sails”.
“Not too much belly in the mainsail Vater, we don’t want to end up on our ear.”
He laughed. “Elisabeth, when have we ended up on our ear?”
“There’s always a first time,” she said, brushing the hair off her face.
He guided the dinghy alongside the Gelássenheit, tied it to the mooring buoy, grabbed the gunwale and held steady as Elisabeth alighted and he followed. He unfurled the mainsail from the boom while Elisabeth released the halyard and fastened it to the top of the sail
“You be helmsman today,” he said. His casual tone belied his words: he was always helmsman, except for those few times her late elder brother, August, was bestowed the honour. Her younger brother, never did; he wasn’t responsible enough.
My Thoughts in Blue:
The strong breeze lifted her auburn hair as she watched her father row. He rowed as he did everything: with precision and purpose. The oars dipped the water, just to the right depth to make the most of the propulsion when he pulled back. Watching him brought to mind [Gustav.] There’s no context for this character, so I’m a little unsure how he fits [He had come sailing with them;] Does this mean he’s there now? It's unclear sometimes her brothers would join them but her father would always row. She would sit where she was now, Gustav next to her, holding her hand or his comforting arm around her. Her hair would blow in his face and he’d complain and she’d say she’d get it all cut off. I’m not sure what this opening paragraph is trying to establish. She misses Gustav? Why is that important?
Her father [cut off] The cut off thoughts right after cutting off her hair hit my ears funny her thoughts: [“We’ll be need plenty of belly in the sails”.] I’m guessing they’re rowing out to the sailboat, but that’s not stated, so this jarred me a little.
[“Not too much belly in the mainsail Vater, we don’t want to end up on our ear.”] I don’t know if she means this as a joke or if she’s someone who worries
He laughed. “Elisabeth, when have we ended up on our ear?”
“There’s always a first time,” she said, brushing the hair off her face.
He guided the dinghy alongside the [Gelássenheit] perhaps a little description or confirmation that this is the sailboat, tied it to the mooring buoy, grabbed the gunwale and held steady as Elisabeth alighted [and he followed] this happens after he does everything else, so perhaps make it its own sentence. He unfurled the mainsail from the boom while Elisabeth released the halyard and fastened it to the top of the sail This paragraph feels a bit mechanical with no sense of a POV character
“You be helmsman today,” he said. His casual tone belied his words: he was always helmsman, except for those few times her late elder brother, August, was bestowed the honour. Her younger brother, never did; he wasn’t responsible enough. Any reaction from her about this? Is this important?
The Questions:
1. Is there enough tension to make you keep reading?
Not yet, because there’s nothing to suggest anything is about to go wrong. It’s a woman and her father going sailing. Elisabeth seems to be missing Gustav, but I wasn’t sure who he was. I thought he was a boyfriend at first, but then when she talks about her brothers at the end I wondered if Gustav was the younger brother.
There’s a bit of “new” to suggest there’s something different about today when her father lets her take the helm, but she doesn’t react to that or act surprised, so I don’t know how big a deal this is. I suspect this is an important detail, but there’s nothing in the text that says that.
I’d suggest identifying what Elisabeth wants, and where the conflict of this scene is going to come from. What’s the puzzle or curious detail you want readers to wonder about? Where is the tension supposed to come from? Why is this sailing trip so important that readers need to see it first?
(Here’s more with Three Ways to Add Tension to a Scene During Revisions)
2. Are the characters clear and differentiated?
Not yet. I know Elisabeth has long auburn hair, and her father is precise, but other than that, they’re mostly blank slates. I can’t tell if her belly comment is her teasing her father, correcting his mistake, or worrying, because there are no emotional or internal details associated with that line of dialogue. Is she smiling? Frowning? Serious? Joking?
Her father laughs, but is he laughing at her joke, or dismissing her fears? There’s no context for me to determine how she feels about what she’s said. Same with her “cut off her hair” comment. Did she mean it, or was she teasing Gustav?
I also don’t know how she feels about getting to take the helm. Instead of reacting to that to show readers its importance (or at least that it’s meaningful), she thinks about her brothers. The strongest sense I get of her is “melancholy,” but I’m not sure why. She misses Gustav, but I’m not sure who he is. Her brother died, but she doesn’t seem too upset about that. She also seems dismissive about her younger brother.
(Here's more with 5 Ways to Convey Emotions in Your Novel)
I’d suggest adding some internalization and emotional details to show how Elisabeth feels about the details in the story. Right now, she feels detached and relaying the “we did this we did that” description, but no sense of how any of those actions or details matter to her. I’m getting basic setting and backstory setup, but not enough context or emotion to know what it means to Elisabeth or how she feels about it.
For example, is she happy to be sailing with her father? Does she feel a thriller when she preps the sailboat? Do these routine tasks make her miss her brothers more? Is she apprehensive about anything?
(Here’s more with What You Need to Know About Internalization)
3. Does the showing reveal character and propel plot?
Not yet for the above reasons. This scene describes the setup and situation, but it isn’t giving me enough of the characters to show me who they are and what they want.
This is a murder mystery, and it’s fairly common in those to find a body by the end of the first scene. Is that the case here? Will they find a body in the water? In the sailboat? If so, then maybe you can play off the contrast between a lovely day out with her father and discovering something horrible. Or give her a sense of apprehension about something that will make readers concerned.
If not, then what’s about to go wrong for these two? What is Elisabeth worrying about? Is there a question lingering in the air that readers are going to want an answer to? Something on this page needs to make readers curious enough or care enough to want to read on, but I’m not seeing that yet (readers chime in here).
Elisabeth’s personality isn’t established enough yet to make me like her and want to spend time with her. There’s no sense of something about to happen or go wrong that makes me curious to see how it unfolds. There’s no tension suggesting conflict between these two characters or with the world around them. It’s just two people going sailing.
I’d suggest adding some internalization and emotional details to show how Elisabeth feels about the details in the story. Right now, she feels detached and relaying the “we did this we did that” description, but no sense of how any of those actions or details matter to her. I’m getting basic setting and backstory setup, but not enough context or emotion to know what it means to Elisabeth or how she feels about it.
For example, is she happy to be sailing with her father? Does she feel a thriller when she preps the sailboat? Do these routine tasks make her miss her brothers more? Is she apprehensive about anything?
(Here’s more with What You Need to Know About Internalization)
3. Does the showing reveal character and propel plot?
Not yet for the above reasons. This scene describes the setup and situation, but it isn’t giving me enough of the characters to show me who they are and what they want.
This is a murder mystery, and it’s fairly common in those to find a body by the end of the first scene. Is that the case here? Will they find a body in the water? In the sailboat? If so, then maybe you can play off the contrast between a lovely day out with her father and discovering something horrible. Or give her a sense of apprehension about something that will make readers concerned.
If not, then what’s about to go wrong for these two? What is Elisabeth worrying about? Is there a question lingering in the air that readers are going to want an answer to? Something on this page needs to make readers curious enough or care enough to want to read on, but I’m not seeing that yet (readers chime in here).
Elisabeth’s personality isn’t established enough yet to make me like her and want to spend time with her. There’s no sense of something about to happen or go wrong that makes me curious to see how it unfolds. There’s no tension suggesting conflict between these two characters or with the world around them. It’s just two people going sailing.
(Here’s more with Don’t Make This Common Characterization Mistake)
There’s also no strong sense of setting. The background note said this takes place in 1929, but there’s nothing that suggests the time period in this, so I read it as if it was set in present day. I don’t know if the time period would make a difference in the tension, but it might work as an additional hook.
How does this opening page lead to the murder mystery plot? Since Elisabeth is the protagonist, I imagine she’s also the sleuth solving that mystery. Perhaps give a hint that she has the skills to do that here, such as, she notices odd details and figures something out to show she has deductive reasoning skills. Or she has a curious mind and wonders about the things she sees. This isn’t necessary, but it could help draw readers into story if there’s nothing else going on until the body turns up.
If the body is what starts the story, and nothing is going wrong until that moment, then it’s a lot harder to pique reader interest. They know it’s a murder mystery, and they picked it up for that mystery, so they’ll give yo time to get there. But you still want to engage them with the characters or the world. You want them to care enough about Elisabeth to stick with her as she solves this mystery.
(Here’s more with Get What's in Your Head Onto the Page)
What’s the point of this opening? Is it to establish the problem or to introduce readers to the sleuth?
If it’s the problem, then perhaps add more clues that things are about to go wrong, or something bad is about to happen. Tone and mood can work to raise tension if the “problem” of the scene isn’t enough to work as a hook.
(Here’s more with Setting up the Tension in Your Novel)
If it’s the character, then perhaps flesh out Elisabeth more and let readers know what’s going in inside her head so they get to know her better.
(Here’s more with 5 Questions to Turn a Character from Flat to Fabulous)
Overall, I suspect this is either missing the layer or context that shows what the problem is, or the real start of the story is further in. Many mysteries do start slower, so fleshing out the characters (especially Elisabeth) and making readers like them can help make the opening more engaging.
Thanks to our brave volunteer for submitting this for me to play with. I hope they–and others–find it helpful. I don’t do a full critique on these, (just as it pertains to the questions) and I encourage you to comment and make suggestions of your own. Just remember that these pieces are works in progress (many by new writers), not polished drafts, so be nice and offer constructive feedback.
There’s also no strong sense of setting. The background note said this takes place in 1929, but there’s nothing that suggests the time period in this, so I read it as if it was set in present day. I don’t know if the time period would make a difference in the tension, but it might work as an additional hook.
How does this opening page lead to the murder mystery plot? Since Elisabeth is the protagonist, I imagine she’s also the sleuth solving that mystery. Perhaps give a hint that she has the skills to do that here, such as, she notices odd details and figures something out to show she has deductive reasoning skills. Or she has a curious mind and wonders about the things she sees. This isn’t necessary, but it could help draw readers into story if there’s nothing else going on until the body turns up.
If the body is what starts the story, and nothing is going wrong until that moment, then it’s a lot harder to pique reader interest. They know it’s a murder mystery, and they picked it up for that mystery, so they’ll give yo time to get there. But you still want to engage them with the characters or the world. You want them to care enough about Elisabeth to stick with her as she solves this mystery.
(Here’s more with Get What's in Your Head Onto the Page)
What’s the point of this opening? Is it to establish the problem or to introduce readers to the sleuth?
If it’s the problem, then perhaps add more clues that things are about to go wrong, or something bad is about to happen. Tone and mood can work to raise tension if the “problem” of the scene isn’t enough to work as a hook.
(Here’s more with Setting up the Tension in Your Novel)
If it’s the character, then perhaps flesh out Elisabeth more and let readers know what’s going in inside her head so they get to know her better.
(Here’s more with 5 Questions to Turn a Character from Flat to Fabulous)
Overall, I suspect this is either missing the layer or context that shows what the problem is, or the real start of the story is further in. Many mysteries do start slower, so fleshing out the characters (especially Elisabeth) and making readers like them can help make the opening more engaging.
Thanks to our brave volunteer for submitting this for me to play with. I hope they–and others–find it helpful. I don’t do a full critique on these, (just as it pertains to the questions) and I encourage you to comment and make suggestions of your own. Just remember that these pieces are works in progress (many by new writers), not polished drafts, so be nice and offer constructive feedback.
About the Critiquer
Janice Hardy is the award-winning author of the teen fantasy trilogy The Healing Wars, including The Shifter, Blue Fire, and Darkfall from Balzer+Bray/Harper Collins. The Shifter, was chosen for the 2014 list of "Ten Books All Young Georgians Should Read" from the Georgia Center for the Book. It was also shortlisted for the Waterstones Children's Book Prize (2011), and The Truman Award (2011). She also writes the Grace Harper paranormal thriller series for adults under the name, J.T. Hardy.
She's the founder of Fiction University and has written multiple books on writing, including Understanding Show, Don't Tell (And Really Getting It), Plotting Your Novel: Ideas and Structure, and the Revising Your Novel: First Draft to Finished Draft series.Website | Facebook | Twitter | Pinterest | Goodreads | Amazon | Barnes & Noble | iTunes | Indie Bound
Janice Hardy is the award-winning author of the teen fantasy trilogy The Healing Wars, including The Shifter, Blue Fire, and Darkfall from Balzer+Bray/Harper Collins. The Shifter, was chosen for the 2014 list of "Ten Books All Young Georgians Should Read" from the Georgia Center for the Book. It was also shortlisted for the Waterstones Children's Book Prize (2011), and The Truman Award (2011). She also writes the Grace Harper paranormal thriller series for adults under the name, J.T. Hardy.She's the founder of Fiction University and has written multiple books on writing, including Understanding Show, Don't Tell (And Really Getting It), Plotting Your Novel: Ideas and Structure, and the Revising Your Novel: First Draft to Finished Draft series.
One thing that perked my interest is the suggestion that these characters have German roots. (Elizabeth addresses her father as `Vater,' the boat's name looks German, and Gustav's name is not a common English one.) Is the setting America or Europe? If America, is the father a first generation American? Does their heritage cause tension because of WWI? Was Gustav murdered? Was her brother? I do agree that a stronger sense of place and time would be nice, especially since this is a period piece.
ReplyDeleteA rule of thumb with mysteries is that they either start with the problem of that murder, or they start with some momentary hook that the murder's about to complicate. Or, as you asked, whether there's enough tension from the start.
ReplyDeleteThat sense of an early "hook" matters, because it's harder these days to do mysteries that build as slowly as literary fiction does. We don't need to be dodging bullets from one killer before we find the body from a separate murder, but we do want some focus within the starting moments, as a nod to how the mystery itself will have a strong, compelling plot soon.
If this moment of sailing really is the right start... what should be the center of Elizabeth's thoughts that hold our attention until more is revealed? Is Gustav dead and you can tease how much that matters until it takes shape as the mystery? Or if they're about to find a body or encounter something else, should Elizabeth be made helmsman from the start and be focused on that -- with a constant tinge of fear that something will go very wrong, and Little Does She Know?
I'd like to see that kind of focus here from the first paragraph; that would give this clear tension at a level that's a proper warm-up for a mystery. There are umpteen possibilities you could use just by realigning the scene's pacing and Elizabeth's thoughts, even without tinkering with what actually happens on this page or using a whole different scene.
That could also do more to distinguish the characters. Right now we know her father is a sailor who's protective of who takes the helm, and Elizabeth is a sailor who... thinks about missing people as she sails? That's not as strong as her spending the scene being eager to prove herself, or say, busy thinking about something else back on shore, or worrying about her father's failing health. Those are the kind of defining traits you can set up in a few early lines that are probably also the opening hook, and then we see that trait and that hook contrasted with the mystery itself taking shape -- and that's when we're committed: how is *this* kind of girl going to face *that*?
What this scene does do is settle into the moment and the sense of sailing, with words like "belly" to catch our attention with it. That's a memorable way to open a story when it's this authentic -- the thing is, the scene can do so much more at the same time. And first scenes really do have too much work to do right from the start to let the atmosphere guide it on its own.
Related point: are Gustav and her brother August the same person, with one name the Americanized form of the other? You aren't saying they are, but you have two similar names in a scene that doesn't introduce many, and there's only so much information on each. ("Sometimes her brothers would join them" doesn't say if Gustav is one of the brothers or if he's one of the core crew that her brothers might add onto.)
I've always loved a good sailing moment, and this has that feeling to it. I just can't see what the scene's course is, and it needs a clear and interesting one it can hold to -- at least until the winds change.
I don't know anything about sailing, so I was confused why he was talking about sails in a row boat. I didn't understand that they were rowing to another boat. You may need to make things a little more obvious for clueless readers like me.
ReplyDeleteIt sounded like there might be some interesting backstory with Gustav and her brothers, but I needed a few more clues about what happened to fully draw me into it.
I was interested in the description of her father ('precision and purpose') and was curious if it was going to be relevant to the story, and if so, in what way.
The way this was delivered (distant and emotionless) made me assume Elisabeth was about to be the murder victim and so we weren't meant to get too close to her. I thought the father was going to be the murderer ("precision and purpose" felt ominous combined with the disagreement in the conversation; I even wondered if he also did away with presumably-boyfriend Gustav and younger brother August since we don't know how they died!)
ReplyDeleteBut since Elisabeth is the protagonist (and must be the sleuth) we need a lot more details on what she's feeling, with her reactions and intuitions about this situation. We need to enjoy her company so we can gun for her when the bad stuff inevitably happens. And we probably need some clues as to how happy her relationship with her father is, and what happened to Gustav and August, in order not to draw (presumably?) the wrong conclusions.
Personally, I could have done with a few more setting details. This felt like they were floating in space - with a sailing trip, I'd expect descriptions of waves, light levels, clouds (heralding weather) and temperature, since these would affect the safety and viability of the trip, and how long they could stay out. What kind of clothing are they wearing (gives us a clue to time period and temperature/weather)? Why don't they take any supplies on board? Are they in a harbour? Is it busy? Where are they going? Is it early or late in the day? What season is it? Is this trip for funsies, or do they live on an island and need to get supplies, or are they escaping from something? These are all far more relevant than the long-gone people Elisabeth is thinking about.
Overall, this scene lacked urgency. It felt like you were warming up rather than getting down to business. You need to add tension and goals (or ominous forebodings at least). Alternatively, your actual story might start later and you can skip this scene. It felt a little slow and literary for kicking off a murder mystery.
However, I love trips in boats. I would have read on for that, and the fact the characters are German, which was unusual (especially if the time period is 1920s). All the best with this!
Without reading the into, I would think we are going into a historical novel or literary. It did not have the feeling of a murder mystery. When embarking on a murder mystery, we want to feel grounded with the protagonist, that hasn't yet happened here. We want a sense of something going on or a feeling that something might.
ReplyDeleteThe names confused me. The mention of the Gustav also confused me - I'm not sure where he is - alive, dead, with them or not. The other characters also felt extraneous. The first page should set up the main characters, and in a murder mystery, we should be introduced to the problem fairly quickly.
I've been on sail boats before and I don't recall anyone ever rowing - now maybe they do but you don't want your reader trying to figure this out - you want them emerged in the story. Unless the rowing and sailing combined is integral to the plot/scene, I would suggest making it simpler so your reader can focus on the central points/characters.
I always go to character. Who is this person leading the story and why do we want to follow him/her. give us something to latch on to. I liked the how Elizabeth described her hair in Gustav's face, but it didn't go anywhere. If I read that and then Elizabeth had an internal thought how she hated to have to kill him, someone who she once found so dear, then I would be, Whoa! - I'm following this girl to find out what is going on -
See, we are looking for something to latch on to, something we want to follow. Skim down the characters, ramp up the tension and give us a hint of plot and we will follow you anywhere - good luck!