tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post4350049303212653649..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: WIP Diagnostic: Is This Working? A Closer Look at Tension in a Mystery OpeningJanice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-5747773077476121382021-06-13T09:47:30.277-04:002021-06-13T09:47:30.277-04:00Without reading the into, I would think we are goi...Without reading the into, I would think we are going into a historical novel or literary. It did not have the feeling of a murder mystery. When embarking on a murder mystery, we want to feel grounded with the protagonist, that hasn't yet happened here. We want a sense of something going on or a feeling that something might. <br /><br />The names confused me. The mention of the Gustav also confused me - I'm not sure where he is - alive, dead, with them or not. The other characters also felt extraneous. The first page should set up the main characters, and in a murder mystery, we should be introduced to the problem fairly quickly.<br /><br />I've been on sail boats before and I don't recall anyone ever rowing - now maybe they do but you don't want your reader trying to figure this out - you want them emerged in the story. Unless the rowing and sailing combined is integral to the plot/scene, I would suggest making it simpler so your reader can focus on the central points/characters.<br /><br />I always go to character. Who is this person leading the story and why do we want to follow him/her. give us something to latch on to. I liked the how Elizabeth described her hair in Gustav's face, but it didn't go anywhere. If I read that and then Elizabeth had an internal thought how she hated to have to kill him, someone who she once found so dear, then I would be, Whoa! - I'm following this girl to find out what is going on -<br /><br />See, we are looking for something to latch on to, something we want to follow. Skim down the characters, ramp up the tension and give us a hint of plot and we will follow you anywhere - good luck!Lynne Gobioffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16463790317957093730noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-51028971804885416812021-06-12T21:33:54.166-04:002021-06-12T21:33:54.166-04:00The way this was delivered (distant and emotionles...The way this was delivered (distant and emotionless) made me assume Elisabeth was about to be the murder victim and so we weren't meant to get too close to her. I thought the father was going to be the murderer ("precision and purpose" felt ominous combined with the disagreement in the conversation; I even wondered if he also did away with presumably-boyfriend Gustav and younger brother August since we don't know how they died!) <br /><br />But since Elisabeth is the protagonist (and must be the sleuth) we need a lot more details on what she's feeling, with her reactions and intuitions about this situation. We need to enjoy her company so we can gun for her when the bad stuff inevitably happens. And we probably need some clues as to how happy her relationship with her father is, and what happened to Gustav and August, in order not to draw (presumably?) the wrong conclusions.<br /><br />Personally, I could have done with a few more setting details. This felt like they were floating in space - with a sailing trip, I'd expect descriptions of waves, light levels, clouds (heralding weather) and temperature, since these would affect the safety and viability of the trip, and how long they could stay out. What kind of clothing are they wearing (gives us a clue to time period and temperature/weather)? Why don't they take any supplies on board? Are they in a harbour? Is it busy? Where are they going? Is it early or late in the day? What season is it? Is this trip for funsies, or do they live on an island and need to get supplies, or are they escaping from something? These are all far more relevant than the long-gone people Elisabeth is thinking about.<br /><br />Overall, this scene lacked urgency. It felt like you were warming up rather than getting down to business. You need to add tension and goals (or ominous forebodings at least). Alternatively, your actual story might start later and you can skip this scene. It felt a little slow and literary for kicking off a murder mystery.<br /><br />However, I love trips in boats. I would have read on for that, and the fact the characters are German, which was unusual (especially if the time period is 1920s). All the best with this!NLiuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00184714542401822508noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-78643781172359374932021-06-12T16:11:14.616-04:002021-06-12T16:11:14.616-04:00I don't know anything about sailing, so I was ...I don't know anything about sailing, so I was confused why he was talking about sails in a row boat. I didn't understand that they were rowing to another boat. You may need to make things a little more obvious for clueless readers like me.<br /><br />It sounded like there might be some interesting backstory with Gustav and her brothers, but I needed a few more clues about what happened to fully draw me into it.<br /><br />I was interested in the description of her father ('precision and purpose') and was curious if it was going to be relevant to the story, and if so, in what way. <br />Lana E.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-31039944776008307082021-06-12T12:08:45.818-04:002021-06-12T12:08:45.818-04:00A rule of thumb with mysteries is that they either...A rule of thumb with mysteries is that they either start with the problem of that murder, or they start with some momentary hook that the murder's about to complicate. Or, as you asked, whether there's enough tension from the start.<br /><br />That sense of an early "hook" matters, because it's harder these days to do mysteries that build as slowly as literary fiction does. We don't need to be dodging bullets from one killer before we find the body from a separate murder, but we do want some focus within the starting moments, as a nod to how the mystery itself will have a strong, compelling plot soon.<br /><br />If this moment of sailing really is the right start... what should be the center of Elizabeth's thoughts that hold our attention until more is revealed? Is Gustav dead and you can tease how much that matters until it takes shape as the mystery? Or if they're about to find a body or encounter something else, should Elizabeth be made helmsman from the start and be focused on that -- with a constant tinge of fear that something will go very wrong, and Little Does She Know?<br /><br />I'd like to see that kind of focus here from the first paragraph; that would give this clear tension at a level that's a proper warm-up for a mystery. There are umpteen possibilities you could use just by realigning the scene's pacing and Elizabeth's thoughts, even without tinkering with what actually happens on this page or using a whole different scene.<br /><br />That could also do more to distinguish the characters. Right now we know her father is a sailor who's protective of who takes the helm, and Elizabeth is a sailor who... thinks about missing people as she sails? That's not as strong as her spending the scene being eager to prove herself, or say, busy thinking about something else back on shore, or worrying about her father's failing health. Those are the kind of defining traits you can set up in a few early lines that are probably also the opening hook, and then we see that trait and that hook contrasted with the mystery itself taking shape -- and that's when we're committed: how is *this* kind of girl going to face *that*?<br /><br />What this scene does do is settle into the moment and the sense of sailing, with words like "belly" to catch our attention with it. That's a memorable way to open a story when it's this authentic -- the thing is, the scene can do so much more at the same time. And first scenes really do have too much work to do right from the start to let the atmosphere guide it on its own.<br /><br />Related point: are Gustav and her brother August the same person, with one name the Americanized form of the other? You aren't saying they are, but you have two similar names in a scene that doesn't introduce many, and there's only so much information on each. ("Sometimes her brothers would join them" doesn't say if Gustav is one of the brothers or if he's one of the core crew that her brothers might add onto.)<br /><br />I've always loved a good sailing moment, and this has that feeling to it. I just can't see what the scene's course is, and it needs a clear and interesting one it can hold to -- at least until the winds change.Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-52243614235525753792021-06-12T10:33:26.884-04:002021-06-12T10:33:26.884-04:00One thing that perked my interest is the suggestio...One thing that perked my interest is the suggestion that these characters have German roots. (Elizabeth addresses her father as `Vater,' the boat's name looks German, and Gustav's name is not a common English one.) Is the setting America or Europe? If America, is the father a first generation American? Does their heritage cause tension because of WWI? Was Gustav murdered? Was her brother? I do agree that a stronger sense of place and time would be nice, especially since this is a period piece. Chicoryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16504144663440678542noreply@blogger.com