WIP Diagnostic: Is This Working? A Closer Look at Developing POV in an Opening Scene

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

WIP Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to WIP Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines. 

Submissions currently in the queue: Two

Please Note: As of today, critique slots are booked through September 26.

This week’s questions:

1. What does/doesn’t work with this as an opening scene?

2. Does how the character feels come across?

3. Does it have a good enough hook to want to read more?

4. Does it show instead of tell?

Market/Genre: Inspirational Romantic Suspense

Note: This is the third pass for this submitter. If you’re curious to see how this has developed, here’s submission #1, and submission #2. 

On to the diagnosis…

Original Text:

Malia Hudson stared at the office email on the laptop screen as if the words would change. Flagged as urgent from the new business manager, she read it again.

Do not begin your morning agenda. Wait for me in my office immediately this morning.
--Mr. Matthews

Her spine rattled. What the issue entailed, she had no idea. Not how she envisioned her first day on the job designing condos.

Scurrying out of her office, a fluttery sensation filled her abdomen. Heels clicked along the tile hallway until she entered through the open door of the man’s empty office.

Seated in a plush, leather chair in front of his desk, a toe tapped against the carpet. What could be so pressing on her first day at work? Or was something wrong?

Hands clammy, she splayed her fingers for a moment. A gaze out the window across the central valley revealed the red landscape near her mother’s sacred burial site, tucked in below the majesty of grandiose Haleakala̅ Crater. What a comforting sight to help ease her nerves. So great to return home to Maui and find a much-needed job. But the way the manager’s email read nagged at her, so unlike the welcome emails from the director and company architect.

Jerking upright as a door slammed behind her, Mr. Matthews ambled to his desk and plopped into his chair. Stout and balding, he wiped his sweaty forehead with his hand and glanced at a sheet of paper.

My Thoughts in Blue:

Malia Hudson stared at the office email on the laptop screen [as if the words would change.] I like “words would change” but the “as if” feels off. I get the gist of what it’s trying to say, but it’s not getting the right emotion across. She’s hoping they will, correct? Flagged as urgent from the new business manager, she read it again.

Do not begin your morning agenda. Wait for me in my office immediately this morning.
--Mr. Matthews

Her spine rattled. What the issue entailed, she had no idea. Not how she envisioned [her first day on the job designing condos.] Nice way to establish what she does and where she is

[Scurrying out of her office, a fluttery sensation [filled her abdomen.]] I wanted a line of internalization here to further clue me into who she is and how she feels, as well as what she might be worried about. Also, reads like her abdomen scurried Heels clicked along the tile hallway until she entered through the open door of the man’s empty office.

[Seated in a plush, leather chair in front of his desk, a toe tapped against the carpet.] Sounds like a toe is seated. It’s also not clear this is her, as I never saw her sit down [What could be so pressing on her first day at work? Or was something wrong?] Perhaps move this up to where she feels nervous. Also, this information has already been established, so while this reinforces these fears and questions, it’s a missed opportunity to show something new about her

[Hands clammy, she splayed her fingers for a moment.] There’s nothing of Malia in this. It’s detached [A gaze] This also pushes it outside her head. But simple “She gazed” puts it back in out the window across the central valley revealed the red landscape near her mother’s sacred burial site, tucked in below the majesty of grandiose Haleakala̅ Crater. [What a comforting sight to help ease her nerves.] Perhaps just show signs of someone relaxing [So great to return home to Maui and find a much-needed job.] odd thought since she might be getting fired [But the way the manager’s email read nagged at her, so unlike the welcome emails from the director and company architect.] Perhaps move this earlier when she’s reading the email, or just after when she’s worrying about it. That would help establish her fear and why she's worried, which will help raise the tension

[Jerking upright as a door slammed behind her, Mr. Matthews ambled to his desk and plopped into his chair.] be wary of your sentence structure. This is the fourth time in a row this same structure has opened a paragraph. It also shows Malia reacting before readers see what she’s reacting to. How does she know it’s him? Has she met him? Stout and balding, he wiped his sweaty forehead with his hand and glanced at a sheet of paper.

The Questions:

1. What does/doesn’t work with this as an opening scene?

I think the bones of this are good, but it’s not taking advantage of them just yet.

What’s working for me:

There’s a hook with the email suggesting something is wrong and that she might be getting fired.

Malia has just started a new, much-needed job and now that might be in jeopardy, which suggests some stakes. Losing this job would be bad, even if I don’t yet know the specifics as to why.

I get a sense of the setting with “her first day on the job designing condos” and the glimpse out the window at the Crater, and I know this is Malia’s home.

I meet Matthews, whose first impression isn’t good—sending unfriendly emails, slamming doors, ignoring her—which adds to the fear that whatever this is is bad.

These are all the right pieces to craft a situation with plenty of story questions that pique my interest. What is the email about? What is Malia’s financial situation, and what would happen if she lost this job? What changed about the job that went from friendly people to rude?

(Here's more on Are You Asking the Right Story Questions?)

What isn’t working for me:

I’m feeling detached from Malia because she’s not “in” her story yet. And by that I mean things are phrased as the author describing the scene, not Malia living it. There’s not a strong sense of her point of view yet. Let’s analyze a few lines:

Scurrying out of her office, a fluttery sensation filled her abdomen.

This reads as though her abdomen is doing the scurrying. There are two different actions here: She scurried out of her office. A fluttery sensation filled her abdomen. Something else is causing the sensation (her worry about the email), but this reads as though the scurry is causing it.

Think about what Malia is doing and feeling. She scurried out of her office, and a fluttery sensation filled her abdomen.

This is also an excellent moment to insert the reasons for that flutter, and show her internal thoughts. That puts readers in her head and emotions. They see her act (scurry), feel (fluttery) and then think (What could be so pressing?).

Heels clicked along the tile hallway until she entered through the open door of the man’s empty office.

I love the sense of her going from tile to carpet here. But this is a description of her heels, not Malia walking. If I was already solid in her POV this would read fine, but it’s a bit detached if I’m not.

This is also a great opportunity and lead-in to describe the office and the view out the window. Walking into a new setting naturally leads to “Wow, what a view…” or the like, which allows her to show readers the Crater and landscape. It also lets you describe the office, and a chance for Malia to think about Matthews and let readers know what she knows about him. Has she met him? Does she looks for clues she can see in his office? Is there anything she notices about the office that sets up a picture of Matthews for readers before he walks in?

As is, this skips right over all that and moves to Malia already being seated, though it’s not clear she sat.

Seated in a plush, leather chair in front of his desk, a toe tapped against the carpet.

This reads as if the toe was seated. Malia’s body parts are described as if they were separate from her, so I lose all sense of Malia. This is easy to fix though—just phrase it as what Malia does: Malia sat in a plush, leather chair in front of his desk. [internal thought to show her nervousness and set up why she’d tap her toe next] Her toe tapped against the carpet.

This also helps eliminate the repetitious sentence structure. A high number of sentence in this snippet have the same "Something something, something something" structure.

What could be so pressing on her first day at work? Or was something wrong?

There’s nothing wrong with this internalization, and it does indeed show what Malia is worrying about. However, these thoughts have already been established, so readers don’t learn anything new here. When you’re trying to fit as much as you can into 250 words, you don’t want to waste any opportunities. What Malia worries about is an opportunity to build on the questions you’ve already put in the reader’s mind.

What specific things could Malia worry about that would tell readers a little more about her, the setting, or the situation?

Hands clammy, she splayed her fingers for a moment.

This is like the heels line above. It’s fine if I’m in Malia’s head already, but the focus is on her hands and fingers, not her, so I feel detached again.

A gaze out the window across the central valley revealed the red landscape near her mother’s sacred burial site, tucked in below the majesty of grandiose Haleakala̅ Crater.

This says what her gaze revealed, it doesn’t show her gazing out the window and seeing something. This is another easy fix: She gazed out the window across the central valley. Red [landscape—use some specific details of what this looks like] near her mother’s sacred burial site, lay tucked in below the majesty of grandiose Haleakala̅ Crater.

What a comforting sight to help ease her nerves. So great to return home to Maui and find a much-needed job.

This doesn’t feel like natural thoughts to me considering she’s so nervous her hands are clammy. It’s also odd things to think if she’s worried she’s about to get fired. The information here is another good bit for readers to know (she just moved home, she needs this job), so perhaps phrase it in a way that builds on her being nervous and worried she’s about to lose her job.

(Here’s more on Choosing the Right Words for the Scene: Subtle Changes Can Make a Difference)

2. Does how the character feels come across?

I know she’s nervous, and that’s all I need to know at this point. The trouble here is that I don’t get a sense of her due to the detached nature of the narrative. But that will vanish if you shift things more in her head and POV.

(Here’s more on 5 Ways to Convey Emotions in Your Novel)

3. Does it have a good enough hook to want to read more?

Yes. Something is about to happen, and all signs point to something bad. But it could also be something good, which will surprise Malia and readers and continue to draw readers in.

But for readers to care abut this hook, they need to care about Malia, which is why getting more of her into this is so important.

(Here’s more on You Get One Page to Hook a Reader. Yes, Really.)

4. Does it show instead of tell?

Yes. Some things feel a little tellish because of the detached POV, but that will change if Malia’s POV is tightened.

(Here’s more on Keeping Your Distance: How Narrative Distance Works in Your Novel)

Overall, this has all the right pieces in mostly the right places, it just needs more of Malia in it. You want her acting and thinking, not her body parts. Show what she’s doing and feeling and use more pronouns so she’s the subject of the sentences. The framework is good, just show it through Malia’s eyes.

This author has been revising this for a while now, and it's easy to get frustrated when revising so often. Despite my comments, I really do think this is just about there. The hard parts are solid--the right opening scene and the hook. Now it's just a matter of developing the character side a bit more, and it's clear where that can happen. Opening scenes are hard, so don't get discouraged if it takes a few passes to get it working. Even the pros go through this (grin). For example, I'm revising right now as well, and I rewrote my current WIP opening five times. You'll get there.

Thanks to our brave volunteer for submitting this for me to play with. I hope they–and others–find it helpful. I don’t do a full critique on these, (just as it pertains to the questions) and I encourage you to comment and make suggestions of your own. Just remember that these pieces are works in progress (many by new writers), not polished drafts, so be nice and offer constructive feedback.

About the Critiquer

Janice Hardy is the award-winning author of the teen fantasy trilogy The Healing Wars, including The Shifter, Blue Fire, and Darkfall from Balzer+Bray/Harper Collins. The Shifter, was chosen for the 2014 list of "Ten Books All Young Georgians Should Read" from the Georgia Center for the Book. It was also shortlisted for the Waterstones Children's Book Prize (2011), and The Truman Award (2011). She also writes the Grace Harper urban fantasy series for adults under the name, J.T. Hardy.

She's the founder of Fiction University and has written multiple books on writing, including Understanding Show, Don't Tell (And Really Getting It), Plotting Your Novel: Ideas and Structure, and the Revising Your Novel: First Draft to Finished Draft series. 

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