tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post7818572889822713359..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: WIP Diagnostic: Is This Working? A Closer Look at Developing POV in an Opening SceneJanice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-11983516616701600822020-09-05T18:13:45.984-04:002020-09-05T18:13:45.984-04:00Thanks to all of you who critiqued my work! I feel...Thanks to all of you who critiqued my work! I feel I have learned and gained a lot from these three beginnings, and I couldn't have done it without you. In this case, words cannot say, say how blessed I feel. <br />Pamelahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10641800481681697132noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-30440507744570060762020-09-05T12:56:13.527-04:002020-09-05T12:56:13.527-04:00This really is a good place to start, just on the ...This really is a good place to start, just on the warning that change is coming. And you use the space after it well: quick-ish mentions of what her job situation is, the senses of walking in, the "scenery" that sets up the industry/land conflict ahead, and then it begins.<br /><br />I agree, this leans a lot on sensations (both body and surroundings) and doesn't play them off of her reaction to it. Some of the strongest descriptions I know are made up of alternating what the character senses and what she does in reaction to that, so we see her interacting as a part of the world. Her splaying her fingers against clamminess would be more promising if it was her response to something unsettling.<br /><br />And this can also be part of our sense of Malia. First scenes need to anchor us in some basic thing about their character, so we immediately start caring about "struggling, hungry woman who still risked her job for principles" or "sensible peacemaker" or "firecracker" or whatever Malia is. I like the pacing of this scene getting us to the boss's office with a bit of time for background and mood, but you can also angle those to show us who Malia is.<br /><br />Your best bet might be to show her trying to plan. The center of a scene is always what a character's goal is in it, and right now that's to find out what the news is and minimize any damage to her. So the thing that might win us over most is to give her a quick but prominent thought (or better yet one followed by another) that shows her trying to get ahead of the possible problem -- and do it in the "most Malia way" you can think of. If she's a practical office worker at heart (for now), it might be a thought about how the company needs her too much to give her trouble; it she's more about emotion it might be an appealing way to master fear. Her look at the landscape is almost that already, so it could be perfect if Malia's center really is her heritage, and you tweak a couple of lines so the scene has more sense of building her worry and that look out the window being her strong answer.<br /><br />This is a well-positioned scene for walking us into the story. It would be best with another thread woven in, but that only takes a few words here and there to give this a whole extra dimension and truly grab us.Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-73537661193773185912020-09-05T10:43:48.317-04:002020-09-05T10:43:48.317-04:00Before we can feel for Malia, we need to have a se...Before we can feel for Malia, we need to have a sense of who she is, what she wants, and why. Like Janice said, without being attached to Malia, her consequences don't carry much meaning. What is driving Malia? It has to be something meaningful enough for the reader to care. We get a hint of this in "her much needed job" but why? The money is important because of--(it can't just be money).<br /><br />I'm not much for body parts showing emotion, it is a bit cliche and there are much stronger ways to show these emotions. Spine rattling, abdomen fluttering, hands clammy have all been done many times. How can the author take those feeling and turn them into something that also reveals parts of Malia's apprehension? To that point, what is paragraph three and four telling us other than she's nervous. If we had some internalization here such as her boss finding out something bad about her past employment, a lie on her resume, etc., we now have the stakes rising for Malia. These two paragraphs are where we can fall for the reader - she lied because she needs to support her young brother, she got fired for testifying against her boss for sexual harassment and this boss thinks she is going to be trouble, etc. Here is the perfect opportunity to reveal something that shows her character and makes us want to root for Malia.<br /><br />I'm a little lost on the last two paragraphs. Is Mr. Matthews sitting, tapping a toe as she walks in? If yes, how does he slam the door behind her? I'm not sure that bringing in the mother's sacred burial site works at this very moment. It takes us out of the immediate conflict. Think of the words used in this sentence compared to the tone of the scene: sacred, tucked, majesty, grandiose, comforting, ease, great - those are really exactly the opposite of what this scene feels like. Often when I find a sentence or paragraph that is not working, I'll cut it and create a folder for "cut sentences" which I can then use later in the book.<br /><br />We have a great setting that can come out later- Hawaii. We have a conflict, that we don't yet know about. We have a good protagonist that can easily be strengthened by giving her a solid desire (both internal and external), and Mr. Matthews who can be, might be, the antagonist. <br /><br />The reason Malia's desire is so important is because that is what will drive the plot and the story. It is that desire that will allow you to set up disappointments, obstacles, and allow Malia to grow and be a different person at the end of the book than she is now. I see her being scared and uncertain of herself now, and she has the ability to end as a strong, confident woman. <br /><br />Beginnings are often hard. I would also say write the story if you have not yet done so already. Through writing it, through figuring out Malia's desire, you will be able to mold this beginning to be exactly what it needs to be and write a terrific novel. Good luck!<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Lynne Gobioffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16463790317957093730noreply@blogger.com