WIP Diagnostic: Is This Working? A Closer Look at Writing a Non-Human POV

Critique by Maria D'Marco

WIP Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

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This week’s questions:

1. Does this opening work to hook the reader?

2. Does it establish the "alien" POV of the protagonist?

3. Does it establish the initial conflict and goal?

4. Does it need to be clear to the reader that this is a lab if the protagonist does not understand that concept?

Market/Genre: Science Fiction

On to the diagnosis…
 
Original Text:

World Background: Near future lab where advances in technology allow extensive and finely controlled genetic modification. Study of human learning using genetically modified lab animals has led to the accidental creation of a new self-aware species in a subset of the lab population.

She still tasted the metallic red water on her tongue from when she had bitten one of the giants. She settled down in the shreds lining the nest, exhausted from struggling against one, then against the bare walls of her nest. Her legs crossed in front of her hips, her tail extended out behind. As her hand rubbed the base of her neck, she felt the slight lump there. If there had been a time it had not been there, she no longer remembered it. She had groomed her offspring, three female, two male, so many times. None of them had a lump there. Her nest mate did. Such a dull female, that one.

She was still furious. The giants had separated her from them. They still needed her, their cries were filled with so much fear.

So. Fighting was futile. The giants were too large, too strong. The nest was secured from the outside. Examine the nest again. She stood, her legs weak from her frantic struggles. Four clear panels, one with a smaller clear panel set inside the larger panel. That was the opening the giants used when they took her out or put her back in her nest. Small holes in a regular pattern were the only variation on the flat clear panels.

Above? A mesh of some kind. She had never tried to jump high enough to touch it. A dim memory, of one who cared for her as she had for her taken offspring. That female had discouraged her and her siblings from jumping. Had encouraged her to please the giants. Had stood, as she had stood, ears and whiskers flattened back against her head, tail vibrating in futile threat.

My Thoughts in Blue:

She still tasted the metallic red water [metallic taste, as she can’t know it’s metallic until she smells or tastes it] on her tongue [tasting and tongue are assumed so this isn’t needed] from when she had bitten one of the giants. [assuming the ‘giants’ attacked her or is attacking her] She settled down in the shreds lining the nest, [is she an animal?] exhausted from struggling against one, then against the bare walls of her nest. [unsure what this means, was she attacked in the nest?] Her legs crossed in front of her hips; her tail extended out behind. [don’t know whether she’s being held down now. Leg position very odd. 2-legged creature with a tail? Dinosaur?] As her hand [further physical confusion. Is she a mutant human?] rubbed the base of her neck, she felt the slight lump there. If there had been a time it had not been there, she no longer remembered it. [this seems to infer she’s feeling the lump for the first time, yet then that she’s never been without it] She had groomed her offspring, [still unsure what kind of critter this is – but 5 offspring means something that has ‘litters’] three female, two male, so many times. None of them had a lump there. [this much about the lump makes me feel it’s very important to the story] Her nest mate [ah! a male?] did. Such a dull female, [nope, another female- why is she called ‘dull’?] that one.

She was still furious. The giants had separated her from them. [assuming ‘them’ refers to the offspring – needs a closer tie here to make the connection clear] They still needed her, their cries were filled with so much fear.

So. Fighting was futile. The giants were too large, too strong. The nest was secured from the outside. Examine the nest again. [whatever she is, she’s intelligent, analytical…] She stood, her legs weak from her frantic struggles. Four clear panels, [clarify perspective here by prefacing these opening words with (for example): ‘She could see’] one with a smaller clear panel set inside the larger panel. That was the opening the giants used when they took her out or put her back in her nest. Small holes in a regular pattern were the only variation on the flat clear panels. [air holes – so, creature with 2 legs, at least 1 hand, a head, hips, and a litter of offspring – and being held captive by giants who apparently regularly attack her in her nest.]

Above? A mesh of some kind. She had never tried to jump high enough to touch it. A dim memory, of one who cared for her as she had for her taken [kidnapped?] offspring. That female had discouraged her and her siblings [so she’s been in this nest for a while, unless her siblings are still there… are they?] from jumping. Had encouraged her to please the giants. [how would this be managed?] Had stood, as she had stood, ears and whiskers flattened back against her head, tail vibrating in futile threat. [whiskers! Still imagining a cat (too many legs) or mutant human or alien? Have spent my reading time trying to figure out what ‘she’ is…]

The Questions:

1. Does this opening work to hook the reader?

Well, I do have many questions, so I might be hooked enough to read on to get them answered. (Readers chime in, please)

My first question would be: what is this creature? Initially, I had no idea and had almost settled on ‘alien’ or mutant, but then focused on the neck lump and the nest and decided lab mice might be a possibility; however, they have four legs, so that idea went to a back burner.

The protagonist is shown to be upset and exhausted, but it’s not immediately clear that she fought the giant, biting its hand, when it took her offspring. Since the opening lines are a bit disassociated in perspective, it’s somewhat confusing as to what has happened and when. I wasn’t sure of the timing or what had happened for certain.

The opening is loose enough that readers are left to wonder what thing is most important or requires urgent attention/action. Only by rereading was I able to stretch an idea that the offspring had just been taken from the nest box and put elsewhere, close enough that she could hear them. From there, I tried to bond over that idea and by extension the further idea that she would want to ‘save/rescue’ them.

However, the physical descriptions were confusing, so I didn’t have a clear image of this protagonist. Plus, there was no urgency in her shown actions. We weren’t shown the struggle with the giant and the pilfering of the offspring, or the bite during the struggle. We were told about her weak legs, her exhaustion, her statement that fighting against such huge giants was impossible. I would suggest reconsidering your starting point, perhaps showing the initial ‘attack’ and struggle, and then the loss of the offspring and our protagonist’s reactions.

The ‘dull female’ was confusing. The mention of siblings expanded the potential of what ‘she’ is. The abstract tone helped to establish a non-human perspective, but that also gives the reader little to associate with.

(Here’s more with 4 Signs You Might Be Confusing, Not Intriguing, in Your Opening Scene)

2. Does it establish the "alien" POV of the protagonist?

I considered that the protagonist was an alien… As far as POV? The protagonist is using ‘human’ value references (offspring taken and now afraid and needing care, for example) and makes ‘human’ observations about surroundings and the infamous neck lump. *grin* I was able to easily consider the idea that the protagonist is non-human, but that wasn’t particularly due to any POV. Rather, I took into account the physical descriptions and environment.

So, the thinking didn’t say ‘alien’ to me, yet that is only using the comparison of human-to-non-human.

If the protagonist is a lab mouse, then things fall into place and imagination can fill in all the blanks. And most readers of this or a related genre will be happy to get creative with any blanks. My advice is always to consider whether you want your readers filling in all the blanks or if you need to pull out the important points so far, frame them strategically, and then have some control over how your readers may ‘play’ with the scene.

(Here’s more with Is Your Description Helping Your Story or Holding it Back?)

3. Does it establish the initial conflict and goal?

I believe the initial conflict is the offspring being taken. I also believe this conflict could be more front and center. (Readers chime in, please)

I assume the goal is to rescue her offspring; however, this is not made clear – I assume this would be her goal.

I wanted to see this scene be much more dynamic, with action that shows the conflict, reaction that shows the protagonist’s anger (not be told she’s angry) and frantic attempts to stop the stealing of her offspring. I wanted her to leap about, test the nest box door, make noises, fall to the floor of the box exhausted, her legs finally collapsing – then gathering herself for a final frantic leap… to the mesh overhead! And then… gotta turn the page to find out what happens.

At this time, the scene is passive, past tense, the protagonist is already pooped out and simply ponders her obstacles. I suggest saving that perspective for the 2nd page.

The conflict and goal will be clear if you create actions that relate directly to other actions.

A thought: she’s already not pleased the giants (one would assume) by biting them and drawing blood, so what’s she got to lose by testing the overhead mesh? *grin*

(Here’s more with Goals-Motivations-Conflicts: The Engine That Keeps a Story Running)

4. Does it need to be clear to the reader that this is a lab if the protagonist does not understand that concept?

The story is for the reader, not the trapped lab mouse/rat… so, if the reader needs to know that this scene takes place in a lab for them to understand the story and characters, then yes, it needs to be clear. For the protagonist’s understanding of any concept to matter, you need to create a reason for it to be important to the story.

The idea of lab rats/mice is very well known in the reader world, so even as is this scene could now (or very soon) be understood by readers to be taking place in a lab setting.

Consider that if the protagonist is a lab rat/mouse, their ‘life’ has probably consisted of birth, living with the litter and mom until a certain growth point is reached, then being popped into another nest box, growing to maturity (offspring-producing age), impregnated, and now in a nest box with their own litter. This reality only becomes important for the protagonist to ‘understand’ or perceive as a POV when a need drives it to be important. In other words, the protagonist can’t have a story other than the reality they live unless they need, or wish to, break that chain of life/living.

So… your ultimate goal might be created by an awareness not so far experienced by any other lab rats/mice. That awareness then forces the protagonist to adapt to the new reality, which might alter their goals.

(Here’s more with Get What's in Your Head Onto the Page)

You have a good start here. The abstract approach is interesting, and you could even push that a bit (or a lot) so that the protagonist relates less as humans do and more within the limited structures/observations of its actual reality – using their senses as qualifiers.

Explore and have fun! You have some unique potential here – but be sure to skirt or shy away from salient creature stories already tackled though. (grin)

Thanks to our brave volunteer for submitting this for me to play with. I hope they–and others–find it helpful. I don’t do a full critique on these, (just as it pertains to the questions) and I encourage you to comment and make suggestions of your own. Just remember that these pieces are works in progress (many by new writers), not polished drafts, so be nice and offer constructive feedback.

About the Critiquer

Maria D’Marco is an editor with 20+ years experience. She specializes in developmental editing, and loves the process of wading through the raw, passionate words of a first draft. Currently based in Kansas City, she flirts with the idea of going mobile, pursuing her own writing and love of photography, while maintaining her fulfilling work with authors.

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