WIP Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.
If you're interested in submitting to WIP Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.
Submissions currently in the queue: Five
Please Note: As of today, critique slots are booked through August 14.
This week’s questions:
1. The main threat hasn’t materialized yet, but do you get the sense that something interesting might happen soon? In other words, does it pique your curiosity enough to keep reading?
2. Is the POV character’s voice coming across?
3. How is the balance between dialogue, internalization, and description? My writing tends to be short on description, but I’m worried I may have gone overboard and now have too much.
Market/Genre: Science Fiction
On to the diagnosis…
Original Text:
His name was Amoco Cadiz, or at least that was his preferred name. Mariela was only meeting with him because her father said he was the best coder in the company, but she had a hard time trusting someone who had named himself after a downed oil tanker from over a century ago. Born Victor Chandler, it wasn’t clear to her how he had come up with the name or what it was he liked about it, but he was an odd sort so it seemed to fit.
The park bench felt like cold steel on the back of her legs, while the unrelenting northern New Mexico wind stung her cheeks and spun her hair in a frantic dance. Even the color-enhanced trees looked grey. She huddled into her all.weather coat, pulled the collar up around her cheeks, and pushed her hands deep into her pockets. She was freezing, but it was worth braving the cold if it kept her soon-to-be boss from finding out about the meeting.
“I’m going to make this quick.” Her exhaled breath swirled into white wisps. “I need your help.”
His specialty was neuroscience, but according to her father Amoco was also fluent in several older programming languages – he could write the code that she needed and would do so discreetly. Hopefully Dad was right. If she wanted to keep her job, this wasn’t a project she could afford to have exposed.
Amoco tugged his vest down and sat up straight. “Then let us not delay in commencing our conversation.” Amoco’s leather trimmed vest with a deep burgundy paisley print was perfectly complemented by a stovepipe hat, a shirt with a frilly neck that spilled over the vest, and a pocket watch with the gears showing. Even his mobile chair, with vintage metal and wood trim, had character. How did he manage to be so fashionable when it was so cold out?
My Thoughts in Blue:
His name was Amoco Cadiz, or at least that was his preferred name. Mariela [was only meeting with him] Since there’s been nothing yet to show Cadiz is there, I read this as a future event. It threw me when she was actually there with him because her father said he was the best coder in the company, but she had a hard time trusting someone who had named himself after a downed oil tanker from over a century ago. Born Victor Chandler, it wasn’t clear to her how he had come up with the name or what it was he liked about it, [but he was an odd sort so it seemed to fit.] This might be a good spot to show how he dresses and establish that they’re there on the bench together right now
The park bench felt like cold steel on the back of her legs, while the unrelenting northern New Mexico wind stung her cheeks and spun her hair in a frantic dance. Even the color-enhanced trees looked grey. She huddled into her all[-]weather coat, pulled the collar up around her cheeks, and pushed her hands deep into her pockets. She was freezing, but it was worth braving the cold if it kept her soon-to-be boss from finding out about the meeting. Everything about this paragraph suggests she’s there alone and the meeting hasn’t started yet. Maybe she compares his coat to hers here? I’m looking for potential paces to mix in some of the later description earlier
“I’m going to make this quick.” Her exhaled breath swirled into white wisps. “I need your help.”
His specialty was neuroscience, but according to her father[,] Amoco was also fluent in several older programming languages – he could write the code that she needed and would do so discreetly. Hopefully Dad was right. If she wanted to keep her job, this wasn’t a project she could afford to have exposed. I don't think this paragraph is in the right place. She asks a question and it’s a long time until Cadiz answers.
Amoco tugged his vest down and sat up straight. “Then let us not delay in commencing our conversation.” Amoco’s [leather-trimmed] vest with a deep burgundy paisley print was perfectly complemented by a stovepipe hat, a shirt with a frilly neck that spilled over the vest, and a pocket watch with the gears showing. Even his mobile chair, with vintage metal and wood trim, had character. How did he manage to be so fashionable when it was so cold out? I like the description, but it feels out of place here since she just said how risky this was. Then she goes into fashion, which lessens the importance of her question and lessens the tension.
The Questions:
1. The main threat hasn’t materialized yet, but do you get the sense that something interesting might happen soon? In other words, does it pique your curiosity enough to keep reading?
Yes. It’s clear Mariela is there to do something risky she could get fired for. She has a soon-to-be-new boss, which suggest change is coming, and it might not be good. Cadiz is an odd character, and now I want to know why he named himself after an oil tanker. There’s a sense of action, with Mariela acting to some plan, even if I don’t know what that is yet. But I know it has to do with coding.
(Here’s more with How to Ground (and Hook) Readers in Your Opening Scene)
2. Is the POV character’s voice coming across?
Yes. There are several moments of judgement and opinion in this, so I feel like I’m in Mariela’s head.
(Here’s more with How to Find Your Character's Voice)
3. How is the balance between dialogue, internalization, and description? My writing tends to be short on description, but I’m worried I may have gone overboard and now have too much.
I thought the description was fine, but I also write short on description, so readers please chime in here (grin). My issue was with the flow—which might be why your instinct is telling you something feels off. You have the right amount, it's just not where it ought to be.
The paragraphs and information feel out of order, which muddies the scene, slows the pacing a bit, and lessens the tension. It’s all easily fixed, though, just by moving things around until you find the strongest flow.
(Here’s more with Uncovering the Mysteries of Narrative Flow in the Opening of Stephen King's 11/22/63)
For example, I didn’t realize they were both at the meeting until Mariela actually spoke, and later, she shifts focus away from the problem (and the hook), to describe his clothes. I was also a bit jarred when she first mentioned the bench, because I didn’t know where she was in the opening paragraph. She was in a white room talking about Cadiz, then she was on a bench, then he was there, and there were no transitions to fully establish the flow of events and who was there.
It was the assumption that I already knew she was there that threw me, same as the assumption I also knew Cadiz was there. The author knows those things, but there’s nothing in the text to let readers know.
A few clues are all that’s needed to keep readers updated on what’s going on, and a few words might even be enough to ground readers in the scene.
I’d suggest playing with the flow a little and spreading the descriptions out some. Make it clear where Mariela is and who is in the scene. I like the opening paragraph, so perhaps add a “She sat on the bench” or “She arrived” type line to show she’s arriving (or he is) in paragraph two. Or add something to the first paragraph to make it clear she’s there with Cadiz. Whatever feels right to you, though them “meeting” does give you opportunities to set the scene that them already sitting together doesn’t.
For example, if you added a line about her watching him arrive at the park, or her arriving first and seeing him sitting there, you could establish the meeting was “now,” show the setting (the park), and also describe Cadiz a little when she first sees him (a natural place to notice his odd style). You already have her apprehension about the meeting to provide tension, so you could do four things at once—set the scene, establish the characters, build the tension, and drop the hook.
That would also allow you to keep the pace up by not delaying his answer to her question later. Dialogue is fast-paced, and readers will be curious to know what she needs help with. Delaying the answer to give a paragraph of description will likely make them skim over it to get to the next line of dialogue. But if the description (or several pieces of it) are brought in early and/or sprinkled throughout the text, then you’ll keep readers reading.
(Here’s more with Writing Transitions: How to Move Smoothly Through Your Novel)
Overall, I think it works and I'd keep reading, but a little tweaking would make it stronger and take better advantage of what’s here. And again, I’m talking little tweaks and a few words or lines—you don’t need to rewrite anything. It’s like adding a bit of spice to a dish to bring out the existing flavors.
Thanks to our brave volunteer for submitting this for me to play with. I hope they–and others–find it helpful. I don’t do a full critique on these, (just as it pertains to the questions) and I encourage you to comment and make suggestions of your own. Just remember that these pieces are works in progress (many by new writers), not polished drafts, so be nice and offer constructive feedback.
Janice Hardy is the award-winning author of the teen fantasy trilogy The Healing Wars, including The Shifter, Blue Fire, and Darkfall from Balzer+Bray/Harper Collins. The Shifter, was chosen for the 2014 list of "Ten Books All Young Georgians Should Read" from the Georgia Center for the Book. It was also shortlisted for the Waterstones Children's Book Prize (2011), and The Truman Award (2011). She also writes the Grace Harper urban fantasy series for adults under the name, J.T. Hardy.She's the founder of Fiction University and has written multiple books on writing, including Understanding Show, Don't Tell (And Really Getting It), Plotting Your Novel: Ideas and Structure, and the Revising Your Novel: First Draft to Finished Draft series.
Website | Facebook | Twitter | Pinterest | Goodreads | Amazon | Barnes & Noble | iTunes | Indie Bound
Of course, doing anything you are not supposed to be doing is always enticing for a reader! I feel the first paragraph is a bit too much backstory. We can find that out later, but I want to enter a book in scene. I can easily see the first sentence of this piece being, "Mariela huddled into her all weather coat, pulled the collar up around and cheeks and pushed her hands deep into her pockets. The park bench felt like cold steel on the back of her legs, while the unrelenting norther New Mexico wind stung her cheeks (I'd lose the hair description). She was freezing, but it was worth braving the cold if it kept her soon-to-be boss from finding out about HER MEETING WITH THE BEST CODER IN THE COMPANY." (I added caps)
ReplyDeleteThose sentences tell us so much (we know where she is, we know she is old enough to work and we know she is doing something she shouldn't be) - and the setting and verbs mimic the uncomfortableness of the scene. Excellent.
The next paragraph starting with "I'm going to make this quick" brings us into scene. And I agree with Janice, the next paragraph does not seem to belong and takes us out of scene.
Following her dialogue, I want to hear Amoco - and here, I'm less interested in description. Maybe a little, but not a paragraph. I'm in scene, and I want to stay there and find out what Mariela wants and what it is going to cost her.
That would pique my curiosity for sure, the POV voice would come across stronger as we stay in scene. For me, I wanted a little more dialogue, balanced lightly with internalization and just a bit less heavy description initially.
It's a great start to what promises to be an exciting read!
The question here is, is the balance of description and implied urgency good? I think it's close, but could be streamlined a bit.
ReplyDeleteLike Janice said, the different ways this talks about the meeting, or pause to describe different people or their background, can disorient us about who's already there or why something's mentioned right then. I think this could be what you said, going overboard in description -- not necessarily having too much (it's such good material), but losing track of what the reader expects at a given moment.
I have my own rule about amounts of description, dialog, and the rest of style: think of it as setting a precedent. If you normally don't write much of it, in a scene that's at all similar to this, you *shouldn't* be adding much more this time. It's better to find the amount you're comfortable writing, and keep polishing your skills to use that space better or else prove that you need to change your style. Adding description in an amount you can't sustain is making more work for yourself, and could lead to less precise writing when you aren't used to having so much detail to work in.
Now, I like the descriptions here, and they do a lot to set the mood and promise interesting things can happen. There's so much sight, sound, and touch as well, and the sheer oddness of the things we know about this coder. All of it feels original and rich, hugely promising.
But, how many lines would you normally take for this? How would you choose what to mention, how to make that imply more, and what details to save for a few paragraphs later? If you push some of this down to spice up the conversation as it goes on, you can build the same detailed picture without slowing us down at first. What would Mariela notice first, and what would she notice a little later as a related, smaller detail?
Remember, if you go deep into detail now and then thin out in the next page --or any of the chapters ahead-- you've *over*-promised to your reader, and they can feel cheated as they read on. It's better to conjure up the same depth you can create again later, again and again, and pace it to build all the information and suspense you want to deliver.
Ken, your point about the first pages needing to reflect the rest of the novel is well taken. As authors I think we can struggle so much to perfect the first pages that they end up not being a good reflection of the rest of the novel. I'm going to keep your comments in mind as I edit.
Delete"Born Victor Chandler, it wasn’t clear to her how he had come up with the name"
ReplyDeleteThis is awkward. Means that "it" was born Victor Chandler.
I concur with Janice's evaluation. I was surprised when Amoco was actually there, which wasn't apparent at the beginning.
ReplyDeleteOne other comment I had: And I caveat this by saying my only foray into science fiction is reading a lot of Original Series Star Trek novels so I may be way off base--but I saw nothing in this submission that indicates to me the genre of the book, sci-fi or otherwise. If I had picked this up off the shelf, I would've been confused about what genre it was supposed to represent.
Hmm, good point. I had added more futuristic elements but in my edits they seemed to have been pushed down so that they aren't showing up on the first page. I hadn't realized that so thanks for pointing it out.
DeleteThis is really helpful - now I know what I need to focus on. I really appreciate all the comments on the balance/flow of dialogue, internalization, and description.
ReplyDeleteFor sure I'm going to change it so that either she's walking up to the meeting or she watches him arrive (I haven't decided which yet). I'll also be moving down (or possibly deleting) some of the description.
Thanks to everyone who contributed comments - I've learned a lot by reading this column over the years and I appreciate the excellent feedback.
Perhaps (probably?) I'm showing my ignorance, but I had two questions that interrupted the flow of my reading. 1) Aren't park benches made of steel anyway? So why wouldn't it feel like cold steel if it is cold steel? Maybe some are made of wood, too, and this sent me off to Google to wrestle with the question. 2) What is a mobile chair? (Of course, this was the end of the excerpt so I couldn't continue reading anyway, but I spent considerable time thinking about it.) The only thing I could think of was that this was a new term for wheelchair. Then I thought maybe it was a British term, but the scene is set in New Mexico, so that's out. Really curious about this one.
ReplyDeleteNo need to set me straight on either of these questions. I'm impressed with what you have so far, and thought you might like to know what goes on in the mind of a reader who may, or may not, represent the minds of other readers as well.
I could see hints of science fiction, probably current day or near future. Besides reordering things, I think you could trim the description and even the dialogue. For example, instead of saying I'm going to keep this quick, she could jump right to I need your help. Right now she's telling rather than showing that she's in a hurry. By trimming, you could get to her request for a specific kind of help sooner, as that's where your real Hook is probably going to come in. Now there are several vague references to needing help and needing it to be secret, which pique interest but only go so far. You only need to tell us once that she needs help. Then get to the actual problem!
ReplyDelete