tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post5458149806218350584..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: WIP Diagnostic: Is This Working? A Closer Look at Narrative Flow in an Opening SceneJanice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-53368731142851971332021-07-11T12:29:17.881-04:002021-07-11T12:29:17.881-04:00I could see hints of science fiction, probably cur...I could see hints of science fiction, probably current day or near future. Besides reordering things, I think you could trim the description and even the dialogue. For example, instead of saying I'm going to keep this quick, she could jump right to I need your help. Right now she's telling rather than showing that she's in a hurry. By trimming, you could get to her request for a specific kind of help sooner, as that's where your real Hook is probably going to come in. Now there are several vague references to needing help and needing it to be secret, which pique interest but only go so far. You only need to tell us once that she needs help. Then get to the actual problem!Kris Bockhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16217265282250089583noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-6902192867876259952021-07-11T12:23:24.923-04:002021-07-11T12:23:24.923-04:00Perhaps (probably?) I'm showing my ignorance, ...Perhaps (probably?) I'm showing my ignorance, but I had two questions that interrupted the flow of my reading. 1) Aren't park benches made of steel anyway? So why wouldn't it feel like cold steel if it is cold steel? Maybe some are made of wood, too, and this sent me off to Google to wrestle with the question. 2) What is a mobile chair? (Of course, this was the end of the excerpt so I couldn't continue reading anyway, but I spent considerable time thinking about it.) The only thing I could think of was that this was a new term for wheelchair. Then I thought maybe it was a British term, but the scene is set in New Mexico, so that's out. Really curious about this one. <br /><br />No need to set me straight on either of these questions. I'm impressed with what you have so far, and thought you might like to know what goes on in the mind of a reader who may, or may not, represent the minds of other readers as well.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04232037835398172923noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-12372595088852663132021-07-11T11:10:09.314-04:002021-07-11T11:10:09.314-04:00Ken, your point about the first pages needing to r...Ken, your point about the first pages needing to reflect the rest of the novel is well taken. As authors I think we can struggle so much to perfect the first pages that they end up not being a good reflection of the rest of the novel. I'm going to keep your comments in mind as I edit.Lana Ellisnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-54964803096324424382021-07-11T11:03:50.579-04:002021-07-11T11:03:50.579-04:00Hmm, good point. I had added more futuristic elem...Hmm, good point. I had added more futuristic elements but in my edits they seemed to have been pushed down so that they aren't showing up on the first page. I hadn't realized that so thanks for pointing it out.Lana Ellisnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-9924128617701948112021-07-11T11:01:57.468-04:002021-07-11T11:01:57.468-04:00This is really helpful - now I know what I need to...This is really helpful - now I know what I need to focus on. I really appreciate all the comments on the balance/flow of dialogue, internalization, and description.<br /><br />For sure I'm going to change it so that either she's walking up to the meeting or she watches him arrive (I haven't decided which yet). I'll also be moving down (or possibly deleting) some of the description.<br /><br />Thanks to everyone who contributed comments - I've learned a lot by reading this column over the years and I appreciate the excellent feedback.<br />Lana Ellisnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-65024116075283812352021-07-10T21:47:07.242-04:002021-07-10T21:47:07.242-04:00I concur with Janice's evaluation. I was surpr...I concur with Janice's evaluation. I was surprised when Amoco was actually there, which wasn't apparent at the beginning.<br /><br />One other comment I had: And I caveat this by saying my only foray into science fiction is reading a lot of Original Series Star Trek novels so I may be way off base--but I saw nothing in this submission that indicates to me the genre of the book, sci-fi or otherwise. If I had picked this up off the shelf, I would've been confused about what genre it was supposed to represent.BKhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14347297074791079439noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-53937205053645027042021-07-10T12:07:08.489-04:002021-07-10T12:07:08.489-04:00"Born Victor Chandler, it wasn’t clear to her..."Born Victor Chandler, it wasn’t clear to her how he had come up with the name"<br /><br />This is awkward. Means that "it" was born Victor Chandler.<br /><br /><br />S Wardnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-65683362116038217582021-07-10T11:26:53.472-04:002021-07-10T11:26:53.472-04:00The question here is, is the balance of descriptio...The question here is, is the balance of description and implied urgency good? I think it's close, but could be streamlined a bit.<br /><br />Like Janice said, the different ways this talks about the meeting, or pause to describe different people or their background, can disorient us about who's already there or why something's mentioned right then. I think this could be what you said, going overboard in description -- not necessarily having too much (it's such good material), but losing track of what the reader expects at a given moment.<br /><br />I have my own rule about amounts of description, dialog, and the rest of style: think of it as setting a precedent. If you normally don't write much of it, in a scene that's at all similar to this, you *shouldn't* be adding much more this time. It's better to find the amount you're comfortable writing, and keep polishing your skills to use that space better or else prove that you need to change your style. Adding description in an amount you can't sustain is making more work for yourself, and could lead to less precise writing when you aren't used to having so much detail to work in.<br /><br />Now, I like the descriptions here, and they do a lot to set the mood and promise interesting things can happen. There's so much sight, sound, and touch as well, and the sheer oddness of the things we know about this coder. All of it feels original and rich, hugely promising.<br /><br />But, how many lines would you normally take for this? How would you choose what to mention, how to make that imply more, and what details to save for a few paragraphs later? If you push some of this down to spice up the conversation as it goes on, you can build the same detailed picture without slowing us down at first. What would Mariela notice first, and what would she notice a little later as a related, smaller detail?<br /><br />Remember, if you go deep into detail now and then thin out in the next page --or any of the chapters ahead-- you've *over*-promised to your reader, and they can feel cheated as they read on. It's better to conjure up the same depth you can create again later, again and again, and pace it to build all the information and suspense you want to deliver.Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-18288709030704891792021-07-10T11:00:56.962-04:002021-07-10T11:00:56.962-04:00Of course, doing anything you are not supposed to ...Of course, doing anything you are not supposed to be doing is always enticing for a reader! I feel the first paragraph is a bit too much backstory. We can find that out later, but I want to enter a book in scene. I can easily see the first sentence of this piece being, "Mariela huddled into her all weather coat, pulled the collar up around and cheeks and pushed her hands deep into her pockets. The park bench felt like cold steel on the back of her legs, while the unrelenting norther New Mexico wind stung her cheeks (I'd lose the hair description). She was freezing, but it was worth braving the cold if it kept her soon-to-be boss from finding out about HER MEETING WITH THE BEST CODER IN THE COMPANY." (I added caps)<br /><br />Those sentences tell us so much (we know where she is, we know she is old enough to work and we know she is doing something she shouldn't be) - and the setting and verbs mimic the uncomfortableness of the scene. Excellent.<br /><br />The next paragraph starting with "I'm going to make this quick" brings us into scene. And I agree with Janice, the next paragraph does not seem to belong and takes us out of scene.<br /><br />Following her dialogue, I want to hear Amoco - and here, I'm less interested in description. Maybe a little, but not a paragraph. I'm in scene, and I want to stay there and find out what Mariela wants and what it is going to cost her.<br /><br />That would pique my curiosity for sure, the POV voice would come across stronger as we stay in scene. For me, I wanted a little more dialogue, balanced lightly with internalization and just a bit less heavy description initially. <br /><br />It's a great start to what promises to be an exciting read!Lynne Gobioffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16463790317957093730noreply@blogger.com