A Trick for Writing Subtext

By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

While working on my current novel, I reached a pivotal scene that involved a lot of subtext (where the characters aren’t talking about they’re really talking about, or what's going on has greater meaning under the surface). Two sisters are having a conversation, and one assumes it’s about Problem A, while the other is actually referring to Problem B. It’s one of those lovely conversations where readers won’t realize the double importance of the words until later in the story when they get a missing piece of the puzzle, and suddenly, this conversation will have much greater meaning.

I’d written out my front story for Sister Two already, so I knew what she was doing in the scene and why, but the scene wasn’t clicking as well as I would have liked. I needed to know what she was thinking so I could describe her actions and tone just right—she had to give the “wrong” impression without actually misleading readers (just misleading Sister One). I wanted to show her struggle with her own problem that she wasn't ready to talk about yet, even though she was hinting about it.

(Here’s more on writing the front story of your characters)

Then it hit me.

Write her internalization as if she was the POV character.

And it worked like a charm.

To keep it separate (and make it easy to delete once I was done), I added her thoughts in brackets. I could clearly see what was going on in her head and how she felt, and that made it easier to describe the outward signs of those feelings from my POV’s perspective.

Let’s visit Bob and the zombies for an example.

Say Bob and Jane are talking, and Bob is trying to determine if she’d be willing to run off with him. But he can’t risk saying it outright in case she says no. Jane actually cares about him, but she knows if they set out on their own they’ll probably die, since Bob’s wife Sally is the survival expert. And if Bob takes that final step and admits his feelings and it’s now in the open, Sally will probably leave them both to die (or kill them herself). It’s vital that Bob not say anything to make it awkward between them and risk alerting Sally.

Since we’re in Bob’s POV, we’ll know how he feels and what he’s thinking, but we won’t know what’s going on in Jane’s head. That can make it tough to write since she needs to give subtle clues that she does care, and she’s trying to save them both. So the scene might read like…

Bob brushed the dead leaves off the hood of the rusted out car, the perfect picture—he hoped—of nonchalance. If she said yes, they could leave immediately before Sally got back. “It’s not that far to Aberdeen. Couple days walk, maybe.”

Jane shrugged. “That road is crawling with zombies.”

“Not the skybridge. We could make it.”

“Bad place to get stuck if you’re wrong.” She covered her eyes and looked off down the road. “Sally back soon? ”

He slid a little closer. He ought to just ask, no more beating around the bush. “She said not to wait up.”

Jane glanced at him, frowning, then looked away. “We should probably do a perimeter check before she gets back. Just in case. We’re not the killing machines she is, remember?”

Based on this, you’d probably think Jane has no interest at all in Bob and is, in fact, kinda creeped out by him. The trouble with this scene is that all the emotion from Jane is missing, trapped in the author’s head and not making it to the page at all.

Let’s see what’s going on in Jane’s head during this conversation and see what details come up when we look through her eyes.

Bob brushed the dead leaves off the hood of the rusted out car, the perfect picture—he hoped—of nonchalance. If she said yes, they could leave immediately before Sally got back. “It’s not that far to Aberdeen. Couple days walk, maybe.”

[That tone again—the one that said he was absolutely going to cross that line they’d been dancing around for weeks. The one she wished they’d could cross.] Jane smiled, just a little, and shrugged. “That road is crawling with zombies.”

“Not the skybridge. We could make it.”

[Just him and her, alone, together. If it wouldn’t mean certain death, she’d jump all over it. Her throat tightened and she cleared it] “Bad place to get stuck if you’re wrong,” she said softly. She turned away and looked off down the road, a hand over her eyes. “Sally back soon?”

He slid a little closer. He ought to just ask, no more beating around the bush. “She said not to wait up.”

[So clumsy, but also sweet.] Jane giggled, [foolish as it was.] She glanced at him and frowned. [They could never be together]. Then looked away. [Sally could be back any time now. If she caught them like this…She jerked away, [cheeks hot]. “We should probably do a perimeter check before she gets back. Just in case. We’re not the killing machines she is, remember?”

Now I have a better sense of what’s going on in Jane’s head. I added small physical clues that reflect her inner thoughts, and there’s more for Bob to describe, notice, and react to.

(Here’s more on developing voices for non-POV characters)

Now, let’s get rid of Jane’s thoughts and smooth out the physical details so they flow with Bob’s POV.

Bob brushed the dead leaves off the hood of the rusted out car, the perfect picture—he hoped—of nonchalance. If she said yes, they could leave immediately before Sally got back. “It’s not that far to Aberdeen. Couple days walk, maybe.”

Jane smiled, just a little, and shrugged. “That road is crawling with zombies.”

“Not the skybridge. We could make it.”

She stared wistfully down the road, and for a second he thought she might say what a great idea that was. She cleared her throat instead. “Bad place to get stuck if you’re wrong,” she said softly, then turned away, a hand over her eyes. “Sally back soon?”

He slid a little closer. He ought to just ask, no more beating around the bush. “She said not to wait up.”

Jane giggled. His heart leapt, but she glanced at him and jerked away, face flushed. “We should probably do a perimeter check before she gets back. Just in case. We’re not the killing machines she is, remember?”

Jane is giving a lot more mixed signals in this snippet, and it’s easy to see how Bob might be confused about how she feels. Is Jane avoiding him or is there more here? Hopefully readers will wonder and try to parse Jane’s actions and figure out what’s really going on.

Naturally, you don’t want to write out the internalization for every non-POV character, but if you’re stuck on a scene because you’re not sure what the other characters are thinking or feeling, this trick can be a scene-saver. It’s also a good way to fix any scenes you get back with feedback indicating the reader missed the emotional component of the scene. There's a good chance those clues just didn't make it to the page.

Do you have any scenes you might try this with? 

Find out more about characters, internalization, and point of view in my book, Fixing Your Character & Point-of-View Problems.

Go step-by-step through revising character and character-related issues, such as two-dimensional characters, inconsistent points of view, too-much backstory, stale dialogue, didactic internalization, and lack of voice. Learn how to analyze your draft, spot any problems or weak areas, and fix those problems.

With clear and easy-to-understand examples, Fixing Your Character & Point-of-View Problems offers five self-guided workshops that target the common issues that make readers stop reading. It will help you:

• Flesh out weak characters and build strong character arcs
• Find the right amount of backstory to enhance, not bog down, your story
• Determine the best point(s) of view and how to use them to your advantage
• Eliminate empty dialogue and rambling internalization
• Develop character voices and craft unique, individual characters 

Fixing Your Character & Point-of-View Problems starts every workshop with an analysis to pinpoint problem areas and offers multiple revision options in each area. You choose the options that best fit your writing process. It's an easy-to-follow guide to crafting compelling characters, solid points of view, and strong character voices readers will love.

Available in paperback and ebook formats.

Janice Hardy is the award-winning author of the teen fantasy trilogy The Healing Wars, including The Shifter, Blue Fire, and Darkfall from Balzer+Bray/Harper Collins. The Shifter, was chosen for the 2014 list of "Ten Books All Young Georgians Should Read" from the Georgia Center for the Book.

She also writes the Grace Harper urban fantasy series for adults under the name, J.T. Hardy.

When she's not writing novels, she's teaching other writers how to improve their craft. She's the founder of Fiction University and has written multiple books on writing.

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