Send up the (Red) Flag: Telling Words That Often Spell Trouble in Our Writing

By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

It's easier to find told prose in your work when you know what red flag words to look for.

Show, don't tell is one of those pieces of advice that nearly every writer hears at some point, and not just when we're just starting out. Even when we know how to fix it (use strong nouns and verbs), we can't always find the problem in our work to fix it.

This frustrated me back in the day, and I set off to figure out how to find told prose. After a lot of study and analyzing, I found a series of "red flag words" often found in told prose. Not every word found meant the prose that contained it was told, but when I received feedback that a section sounded told, one of these red flag words almost always appeared.

Let's look at a quick round-up of the different types of red flag words commonly found in told prose.

Red Flag Tells for Motives

Motivational tells explain the motives of the characters, frequently before the character has even made the action. They're problematic because they don't show action actually happening, so they feel as though we've shown, even when we haven't. To and when are repeat offenders here.

Bob ran to the shed to get the shotgun.

When Bob ran to the shed for the shotgun, the zombie was already there.

Motivational tells can push the reader away and over-explain, killing tension and leaving little for the reader to wonder about.

(Here's more on 7 Words That Often Tell, Not Show)

Red Flag Tells for Emotions

Emotional tells explain feelings, robbing us of the chance to connect with readers on an emotional level. It's much harder to feel for a character when you're told they're sad, versus seeing them sobbing on the floor. In and with take center stage here.

Bob screamed in fear.

Sally sighed with relief.

Emotional tells don't allow for the individual characters to express how they feel. "Fear" can be felt in many ways, and how a particular character reveals their fear says a lot about that character. "In fear" tells readers very little.

(Here's more on 5 Ways to Convey Emotions in Your Novel)

Red Flag Tells for Descriptions 

Descriptive tells explain the action. These are trickier to spot because they often feel just fine until you notice that you're telling the reader what they should be able to figure out by how the character is acting. Offenders include realize, could see, the sound of, and as.

Jane staggered out of the room clutching her side, and Bob realized she'd been hurt.

Bob could see from the way Jane was bleeding that she'd hurt herself.

The sound of a sharp bang echoed across the valley.

As Bob climbed on the roof, the zombie grabbed his foot.

Often, a descriptive tell is redundant as well, as in the first example. Jane staggering and clutching her side shows something is wrong, and if we add blood under her fingers, soaking through her shirt, we've shown she's hurt and don't need to tell readers that Bob "realized" it. He can just react.

(Here's more on I Told You: Mental Signposts That Tell, Not Show)

Red Flags for Placeholder Words

Placeholder words are missed opportunities to flesh out a scene, and adverbs are the number-one offender here. When you see an adverb, there's a good chance that you can improve the section by using details that show what that adverb means.

Bob shook his fist angrily.

Jane moved nervously across the field.

These are places where further description, internal thought, or action would show how a character acts when angry or nervous, and allow writers to bring that character to life.

(Here's more on The Freedom of Placeholder Words in First Drafts)

Red Flags for Passive Tells

Passive tells feel flat and lifeless, because the subject of the sentence is being acted upon, not doing the acting. This can make readers feel detached from what's going on, and distance them from the story. Most often it's due to passive "to be" verbs.

Bob was tripped by the severed leg.

Sally was being chased from the angry mob.

Passive tells can steal all the excitement and immediacy from a scene, and undermine the writer's attempt to build tension and suspense.

(Here's more on The Real Problem With Passive Voice in Fiction)

Although it's useful to train yourself to spot (and fix) these words as you write, it's okay to not worry about them in a first draft. Get the story down, but afterward, search for them and revise as needed. These are also good words to look for when you receive feedback on scenes that feel told or flat.

Not every instance of red flag words is going to be trouble, but they're often found in sections of the novel that have received negative feedback.

Are you guilty of using these red flag words? 

Find out more about show, don't tell in my book, Understanding Show, Don't Tell (And Really Getting It).

With in-depth analysis, Understanding Show, Don't Tell (And Really Getting It) teaches you how to spot told prose in your writing, and discover why common advice on how to fix it doesn't always work. It also explores aspects of writing that aren’t technically telling, but are connected to told prose and can make prose feel told, such as infodumps, description, and backstory.

This book will help you:

• Understand when to tell and when to show
• Spot common red flag words often found in told prose
• Learn why one single rule doesn't apply to all books
• Determine how much telling is acceptable in your writing
• Fix stale or flat prose holding your writing back

Understanding Show, Don't Tell (And Really Getting It) is more than just advice on what to do and what not to do—it’s a down and dirty examination and analysis of how show, don’t tell works, so you can adapt the “rules” to whatever style or genre you’re writing. By the end of this book, you’ll have a solid understanding of show, don’t tell and the ability to use it without fear or frustration.

Available in paperback and ebook formats.

Janice Hardy is the award-winning author of the teen fantasy trilogy The Healing Wars, including The Shifter, Blue Fire, and Darkfall from Balzer+Bray/Harper Collins. The Shifter, was chosen for the 2014 list of "Ten Books All Young Georgians Should Read" from the Georgia Center for the Book.

She also writes the Grace Harper urban fantasy series for adults under the name, J.T. Hardy.

When she's not writing novels, she's teaching other writers how to improve their craft. She's the founder of Fiction University and has written multiple books on writing.

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