Real Life Diagnostics: Is This Romantic Thriller Opening Working?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines. 

Submissions currently in the queue: One

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through February 16.

This week’s question:

Is this opening working?

Market/Genre: Romantic Thriller

Note: We have a newbie today, who was brave enough to send their first attempt at an opening scene. Please bear that in mind when offering feedback.

On to the diagnosis…

Original text:

Background: This scene takes place in the late 1950s

It snowed the night Esmeralda died. That same fateful night, Julie met Ryan.

Smoothing her wavy, blond, shoulder-length hair in the full-length mirror, Julie stepped back to admire the demure, baby-blue party dress with its fully-flounced, crinoline-stiff skirt and round collar of delicate, white eyelet. The soft, eggshell hue kicked up the blue in her eyes. Arriving three days ago at the single women’s residence, with only a few clothes in a battered, cardboard suitcase, Penny, her assigned roommate, offered any dress from her closet. Julie was surprised by her thoughtful generosity.

Driving six miles to Eastover Air Force Base, jostling uncomfortably in her old jalopy, Penny set the scene and explained what to expect. “We either dance to records played by a local DJ or their 15-piece Air-Force orchestra. Believe it or not, there are no wallflowers. Not a single girl is left alone on the sidelines; not even the unsophisticated, country pumpkins from surrounding mill towns or those considered plain, awkward and unattractive.”

“Why is that?” Julie asked.

“The unbalanced ratio of twenty to one between sexes. The twenty being Flyboys, of course.”

“Why are they called Flyboys?” Julie asked. Her pulse beating overtime with excitement, this is her first attendance at a USO dance.

“Because they fly, silly.” Penny said. Her cute giggle reminded Julie of the tinkle bell that hung on her cat’s neck. Three days and she’s already missing Buttons, her Maine Coon, whom she left back home in the loving care of Aunt Mary and Uncle Ed.

My Thoughts in Purple:

[It snowed the night Esmeralda died.] This piques my interest, since I know the book is a thriller, so I assume this is central to the plot [That same fateful night, Julie met Ryan.] I assume these are my main characters and love interests

Smoothing [her] I assume this is Julie, but since I have no clear POV character yet, I don’t know for sure wavy, blond, shoulder-length hair in the full-length mirror, Julie stepped back to admire the demure, baby-blue party dress with its fully-flounced, crinoline-stiff skirt and round collar of delicate, white eyelet. The soft, eggshell hue kicked up the blue in her eyes. Arriving three days ago at the single women’s residence, with only a few clothes in a battered, cardboard suitcase, Penny, her assigned roommate, offered any dress from her closet. [Julie was surprised by her thoughtful generosity.] This makes me think people aren’t usually generous or thoughtful to her, which is interesting.

[Driving six miles to Eastover Air Force Base, jostling uncomfortably in her old jalopy, Penny set the scene and explained what to expect.] This feels a little told, so perhaps have Julie ask what she should expect tonight? “We either dance to records played by a local DJ or their 15-piece Air-Force orchestra. Believe it or not, there are no wallflowers. Not a single girl is left alone on the sidelines; not even the unsophisticated, country pumpkins from surrounding mill towns or those considered plain, awkward and unattractive.”

“Why is that?” Julie asked. I’m not getting a sense of Julie as a character yet. You might consider adding some internal thoughts here to show how she feels about this

“The unbalanced ratio of twenty to one between sexes. The twenty being Flyboys, of course.”

“Why are they called Flyboys?” [Julie asked.] She feels a little like her only role here is to ask questions so you can explain the scene to readers [Her pulse beating overtime with excitement, this is her first attendance at a USO dance.] Switches to present tense here

“Because they fly, silly.” Penny said. Her cute giggle reminded Julie of the tinkle bell that hung on her cat’s neck. Three days and [she’s] she was already missing Buttons, her Maine Coon, whom she left back home in the [loving care] this was a bit of a surprise since she seems like a girl who left a bad home or situation--she wasn't used to kindness of Aunt Mary and Uncle Ed.

The question:

1. Is this opening working?

I think you’re off to a good start here, though there are things to consider on your next draft. Let’s look at what’s working first.

I like that a death is mentioned right away, as that suggests the thriller part of this story. Something has happened, a girl has died and it might be connected to Julie and Ryan. There were a few hints that Julie might have a troubled past or is running from something (though this might not be true), which makes me curious. She’s a young woman in the 50s who left home and is now on her own. I don’t know if she’s a dance hall girl or with the USO, but there’s something different about her situation. The writing is fairly clean and Penny has a nice voice and sense about her. I already like her.

(Here’s more on writing a strong opening scene)

The aspects that feel weak right now:

I don’t know who Esmeralda is or what her connection to Julie and Ryan is, aside from being “fateful.” I don’t necessarily need to know that on page one, but since it was the first line in the book, I expected more about it. It feels disconnected from the rest of the story as is.

The first paragraph sets up the death, and a hint that the meeting could be bad, but then it spends a long paragraph describing clothes and mundane tasks, which slows the scene down and doesn’t offer readers anything to make them want to read on. The rest of the page is explanation about where they’re going, even though I don’t actually know what’s going on. A dance at an Air Force base, but in what capacity? I feel as though I’m supposed to know what all these things mean, but I don’t.

I’d suggest starting this story a little later when they’re already on the drive over. Penny helping Julie to understand what to do is a nice way to explain without explaining, especially if Julie is having trouble with what she needs to do (is there anything?). That would allow you to cut the slow description and get to something happening right away.

(Here’s more on knowing where to start your novel)

There’s no strong point of view yet. Since it opens with a distant narrator, I assume this is an omniscient third person POV. That’s reinforced with the detached way the story explains Julie’s situation. I’m not feeling solid in anyone’s head, which makes it harder to connect to the story.

I’d suggest a more solid POV. You can still keep it omniscient if you’d like (common for the thriller genre), but focus a little more on what Julie is thinking and feeling so readers can get a sense of who she is and why she’s there. More time is spent on her physical description and her dress than on who she is as a person and why she’s there.

(Here’s more on writing an omniscient narrator)

Julie doesn’t do anything, even though I think she’s the protagonist. I’m not in her head much, I don’t know what she wants or why she’s there, and she seems to be there only to ask questions so Penny can explain the scene. Penny is a much richer character and quite likable within a few words.

I’d suggesting writing Julie with the same care you’ve written Penny. Clearly you can create a likable and fun character with few words. Use a different personality and voice of course, but let who she is and what she wants shine through. Show us what’s going on in her head so we understand why she left home and is going to this dance.

(Here’s more on internalization)

Overall, it’s a solid start for an opening scene, and it does make me a little curious about the dance and how Julie and Ryan are connected to Esmeralda. It could use some fleshing out to answer some questions and ground the story and the scene better, but it wouldn’t take much to do that. You have a strong mechanic to get that information across as Julie asks Penny how to behave and what to expect. Julie simply needs to “be in the scene” and drive it instead of sitting there.

(Here's more on narrative drive)

Thanks to our brave volunteer for submitting this for me to play with. I hope they–and others–find it helpful. I don’t do a full critique on these, (just as it pertains to the questions) and I encourage you to comment and make suggestions of your own. Just remember that these pieces are works in progress (many by new writers), not polished drafts, so be nice and offer constructive feedback.

About the Critiquer

Janice Hardy is the award-winning author of the teen fantasy trilogy The Healing Wars, including The Shifter, Blue Fire, and Darkfall from Balzer+Bray/Harper Collins. The Shifter, was chosen for the 2014 list of "Ten Books All Young Georgians Should Read" from the Georgia Center for the Book. It was also shortlisted for the Waterstones Children's Book Prize (2011), and The Truman Award (2011). She also writes the Grace Harper urban fantasy series for adults under the name, J.T. Hardy.

She's the founder of Fiction University and has written multiple books on writing, including Understanding Show, Don't Tell (And Really Getting It), Plotting Your Novel: Ideas and Structure, and the Revising Your Novel: First Draft to Finished Draft series. 

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