Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.
If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.
Submissions currently in the queue: Eight
Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through June 10.
This week’s questions:
1. Overall, what do you think?
2. In the second verse (second line), I use the word whom. Do you think that’s a bit rigid? Conversely, in the third verse (ninth line), I use the word ain’t. Do you think it’s too casual?
3. Building on the previous question, I think I should either go with whom and haven’t or who and ain’t. Which do you think is better? (Or, would I stay with whom and ain’t and try to pass it off as creativity?)
4. Does the poetry speak to you? Can you relate to it? (Or worse: does it just seem like nonsense?)
5. If this written for young adults (say 28 years old), do you think any of those people would see themselves?
6. Would younger people just turn off and go somewhere else before they finished the first verse?
7. Would older people remember with kindness or contempt—or not at all?
8. Do you think these lyrics have any commercial value? If yes or maybe, any thoughts about where or to whom I should try to peddle this?
Market/Genre: Song lyrics
Note: we’ve got something completely different here today, but I’m up for the challenge. Any songwriters or poets out there, this is a diagnostic where your feedback will be especially valuable.
On to the diagnosis…
