Real Life Diagnostics: A Look at Song Lyrics

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Eight 

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This week’s questions:

1. Overall, what do you think?

2. In the second verse (second line), I use the word whom. Do you think that’s a bit rigid? Conversely, in the third verse (ninth line), I use the word ain’t. Do you think it’s too casual?

3. Building on the previous question, I think I should either go with whom and haven’t or who and ain’t. Which do you think is better? (Or, would I stay with whom and ain’t and try to pass it off as creativity?)

4. Does the poetry speak to you? Can you relate to it? (Or worse: does it just seem like nonsense?)

5. If this written for young adults (say 28 years old), do you think any of those people would see themselves?

6. Would younger people just turn off and go somewhere else before they finished the first verse?

7. Would older people remember with kindness or contempt—or not at all?

8. Do you think these lyrics have any commercial value? If yes or maybe, any thoughts about where or to whom I should try to peddle this?

Market/Genre: Song lyrics

Note: we’ve got something completely different here today, but I’m up for the challenge. Any songwriters or poets out there, this is a diagnostic where your feedback will be especially valuable.

On to the diagnosis…

Original text:

There’s so many thoughts
Tumbling through your mind.
You’d like to get to know yourself,
But you haven’t got the time.
You seem to be pulled apart
By so much wondering;
You’re part of the morning
As you go foundering.
Go out and say your prayer for victory,
And dance
With the pastels
Of reality.

There’s so many prophets,
You don’t know whom to believe.
Just when you think you’ve arrived,
You find it’s time to leave.
You’d like to go inside yourself
To find what’s really there,
But you take time for the dead
Because you really care.
Is it any wonder you’re hung up by security?
As you play
With the pastels
Of reality.

There’s no one beside you,
You’d really like to know.
There’s no words in your mind
To present what you know.
You feel stranded on the stage,
Yet you play the game,
And smile at the people
Who want more than your name.
You ain’t time to sing the songs of misery
As you cling
To the pastels
Of reality.

You know you’re gonna die,
Yet you’re so alive.
It must be life that’s pulling you.
What else could have the drive?
You can feel something bigger
That surrounds your cells,
But it’s only little people
Playing with your hells.
Go find another blanket for the company.
There’s no color
In the pastels
Of reality.

My Thoughts in Purple:

There’s so many thoughts
Tumbling through your mind.
[You’d like to get to know yourself,
But you haven’t got the time.] Nice reflection on how everyone is always way too busy
You seem to be pulled apart
By so much wondering;
[You’re part of the morning
As you go foundering.] I don’t understand this part
Go out and say your prayer for victory,
And dance
With the pastels
Of reality.

[There’s so many prophets,
You don’t know whom to believe.] Nice look at how it’s hard to trust or believe so much of what we hear
[Just when you think you’ve arrived,
You find it’s time to leave.] Nice look at how the definition of success is always changing
[You’d like to go inside yourself
To find what’s really there,
But you take time for the dead
Because you really care.] I feel like these lines relate to each other (the but connects them) but I don’t understand what it’s saying
Is it any wonder you’re hung up by security?
As you play
With the pastels
Of reality.

[There’s no one beside you,
You’d really like to know.] Nice look at how we’re disconnected from each other, or it could be a reflection of “why am I alone?”
There’s no words in your mind
To present what you know.
You feel stranded on the stage,
Yet you play the game,
[And smile at the people
Who want more than your name.] I don’t understand this
You ain’t time to sing the songs of misery
As you cling
To the pastels
Of reality.

You know you’re gonna die,
Yet you’re so alive.
[It must be life that’s pulling you.
What else could have the drive?] Nice look at “what’s my purpose in life?”
You can feel something bigger
That surrounds your cells,
But it’s only little people
Playing with your hells.
Go find another blanket for the company.
There’s no color
In the pastels
Of reality.

The questions:

Note: Before I answer the questions, I just want to offer full disclosure that I am not a poet or a songwriter, and the last time I analyzed anything remotely like this was high school English, so please take everything I say with a shaker of salt -grin-.

1. Overall, what do you think?

This strikes me as a song about struggling to find your place in the world, but feeling outside it as well. Life isn’t “real” (hence the pastel reality, as in, “faded and not bright”) and it’s so conflicting it’s hard to make sense out of it. It’s sad and a little hopeless, but not too dark or depressing. It feels like it’s more about being disenfranchised than in despair.

2. In the second verse (second line), I use the word whom. Do you think that’s a bit rigid? Conversely, in the third verse (ninth line), I use the word ain’t. Do you think it’s too casual?

I have no problem with ain’t, and it fits the beats of the line and gets the idea across. Whom is a bit tougher, because it depends on how you say (or sing) that line. To me, whom drags it out more and adds an extra pause to get the M in there, which doesn’t roll off the tongue as easily as who.

3. Building on the previous question, I think I should either go with whom and haven’t or who and ain’t. Which do you think is better? (Or, would I stay with whom and ain’t and try to pass it off as creativity?)

I’d go with whatever feels right from a rhythm and beat perspective. This isn’t a grammatically correct sentence, but a use of language to evoke emotion. But I’d agree with who and ain’t in this case, because it feels right for the rhythm of the song.

4. Does the poetry speak to you? Can you relate to it? (Or worse: does it just seem like nonsense?)

It’s not aimed at me, so it doesn’t speak to me, but I can remember being young and unsure about my place in the world, and I think everyone feels that at some point in their life. It is relatable from a growing up and maturing perspective.

5. If this written for young adults (say 28 years old), do you think any of those people would see themselves?

I can see people I know who are that age in this, so yes. I think it does capture some of the struggles millennials are going through.

6. Would younger people just turn off and go somewhere else before they finished the first verse?

I’m not in your target age group so I can’t say (younger people chime in here). Personally, I’m not one for poetry so I wouldn’t read it normally, but I love music, especially songs with poignant lyrics, so if it was a good song I’d listen.

7. Would older people remember with kindness or contempt—or not at all?

Both and neither. What someone remembers is based on who they are and what their past experiences were. I had a pretty average childhood and adolescence, with not a lot of craziness going on in the world. My brother and sister are much older and had to deal with some very serious social changes when they were growing up. I have friends who were teens and young adults during 9-11 and faced challenges others never did.

8. Do you think these lyrics have any commercial value? If yes or maybe, any thoughts about where or to whom I should try to peddle this?

I have no idea whatsoever (sorry). I’m sure there are songwriting blogs and sites out there just like fiction sites, and probably a songwriting version of Fiction University someplace. I’d suggest looking for those—Goggling “how to become a songwriter” will probably get you a lot of places to start looking. (Readers who know, chime in here).

Overall, there are some nice lines and imagery in this, and with the right music I can see people liking it a lot.

Thanks to our brave volunteer for submitting this for me to play with. I hope they–and others–find it helpful. I don’t do a full critique on these, (just as it pertains to the questions) and I encourage you to comment and make suggestions of your own. Just remember that these pieces are works in progress (many by new writers), not polished drafts, so be nice and offer constructive feedback.