WIP Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.
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This week’s questions:
1. What are the shortcomings that are in most need of correction?
2. Would this beginning entice the reader enough to continue with the story?
Market/Genre: Short Story
On to the diagnosis…
Original Text:
“Stop hitting her.” Daniel’s voice was so shrill it quavered. The dog whimpered and pawed at her ears.
Lloyd held Daniel’s mom by the wrist. She cowered and tried to pull away. Lloyd raised his other arm up ready to hit her again. Lloyd was huge, a bodybuilder. The drugs he took helped pile his muscles on top of each other.
He turned his head toward the sound of Daniel’s voice and said, “Look at you shaking. What’s the matter Danny boy, you afraid?”
Lloyd had the cruel laugh of person who cares nothing about how others feel.
Daniel darted a quick glance his mom. His stomach churned. Her terrified eyes were framed by a face pleading for help.
The incident at the lake came flooding back in all it’s graphic horror. His brother had had the same expression on his face before he died.
Daniel wanted to help his mom as much as he had wanted to help Tommy then, but he couldn’t. The fear then was the same as now. Just as the lake was too big so was Lloyd. Daniel was going to do nothing again.
Lloyd yelled, “You better run because you’re next.”
Daniel ran.
The sound of an open hand striking skin and his mom’s pitiful cries and moans echoed through the house chasing him up the stairs.
He shook his head to fling the memory of Tommy out of his mind. It was no use, its claws were in to deep and had been for too long.
My Thoughts in Blue:
“Stop hitting her.” Daniel’s voice was so shrill it quavered. The dog whimpered and pawed at her ears. [this extra emphasis on the voice takes away from what was said]
Lloyd held Daniel’s mom by the wrist. She cowered and tried to pull away. Lloyd raised his other arm [he only has two arms so ‘other’ isn’t needed] up [raised implies ‘up’] ready to hit her again. Lloyd [name repetition not necessary, Lloyd hasn’t changed so doesn’t need to be named each time] was huge, a bodybuilder. [I would keep the pace crisp by putting all descriptors in the first line: Lloyd was huge, a bodybuilder who took drugs to help pile on the muscles. He held Daniel’s mom by the wrist. – This shoves us into his reaction to Daniel yelling at him.] The drugs he took helped pile his muscles on top of each other. [this phrasing made me wonder if the material is meant to be for younger readers]
He turned [this needs a stronger active verb, like snapped] his head toward the sound of Daniel’s voice and said, “Look at you shaking. What’s the matter Danny boy, you afraid?”
Lloyd had the cruel laugh of person who cares nothing about how others feel. [this is a statement about his laugh, but he hasn’t been shown as laughing]
Daniel darted a quick glance at his mom. His stomach churned. Her terrified eyes were framed by a face pleading for help. [nice line]
The incident at the lake came flooding back in all its graphic horror. His brother had had [avoid the repetition with ‘worn/wore’ or leave the 2nd ‘had’ out] the same expression on his face before he died.
Daniel wanted to help his mom as much as now as he had wanted to help Tommy then, but he couldn’t. The fear then was the same as now. Just as the lake was too big so was Lloyd. [another nice line] Daniel was going to do nothing again.
Lloyd yelled, “You better run because you’re next.”
Daniel ran.
The sound of an open hand striking skin and his mom’s pitiful cries and moans echoed through the house [if this is left out we have ‘…pitiful cries chased him up the stairs’ giving more intensity] chasing him up the stairs.
He shook his head to fling the memory of Tommy out of [consider using ‘from’] his mind. It was no use, its claws were in too deep and had been for too long.
The Questions:
1. What are the shortcomings that are in most need of correction?
I would say the slight tendency to overwrite. All words included in any story count, but in a short story page time is limited and any words not pulling their weight need to be amended or cut out. An example is the ‘dog whimpered’ sentence, which takes away the impact of the dialogue.
We need to get to what has made Daniel speak in that terrified tone. This is a small thing, but if you step through the story, you’ll find you can tighten up the material nicely by removing any bits that ‘steal the spotlight’.
The other issue with bringing in the dog is that you have to handle the dog in the scene. Does he run away with Daniel? Does he hide in the corner? Will Lloyd attack him? See…this takes up valuable page real estate you need for driving the story.
Learning to apply different sentence structures can help the reading flow, which currently is benefiting from a more staccato approach, but statement-only sentences force lots of pronouns, or overuse of a character’s name. If you have a paragraph that starts with a character’s name, you can use gender pronouns following that name use. The reader will assume everything that follows the name has to do with that name.
Weirdly, I see this scene in a kitchen. Who knows why? There is no scene grounding to push me in that direction and the actual location may not be that important for this violent opening. The stairs imply 2nd story. Some additional small details could enrich, and in your tightening of this scene, you could make room for another 20 words or so. You don’t necessarily have to do a ‘description’ of the room, just mention ‘checkerboard tile’ or blood somewhere or glass on the floor or – well, anything that points to where the scene takes place.
You have other options to deepen the characters. I get why Lloyd gets some attention, he’s the villain, but mom and Daniel can also be given a few words that help to give reader’s minds something to work off of. Mom’s wrist can be thin or swollen or is wearing a bracelet or watch that has cut into her skin or … you play. *grin*
(Here’s more with Avoid Overwriting – Subtle is More Sophisticated)
2. Would this beginning entice the reader enough to continue with the story?
Yes, I believe it would. (readers speak out) A terror-stricken youngster (no idea of Daniel’s age) suffering from the loss of his brother in PTSD-type panic, a meathead abuser, a mom getting a beating. Where can the kid hide? What has brought on the violence? Who is the meathead?
Yes, I want to follow Daniel and see if Lloyd goes after him. My mind will hope that I turn the page and the big bruiser of a landlord will come pounding on the door, come in and take Lloyd to the cleaners. Maybe the landlord is a retired boxer?
The onus on you, the writer, will be to keep the pace moving, be judicious with any character ‘reflective’ moments and have those moments result in powerful things, action/redemption or breaking free of personal prisons. Right now, you’ve given readers violence, terror, memory of loss/death, those are all strong inciters and if you package them with an eye towards when and where you can jolt the story forward, they won’t be able to turn the pages fast enough.
Take the initiative as the author now and re-craft the original to an opening page that leaps off from the first words uttered. Search for words that portray exactly what will create the perfect reader reaction – words that propel, startle, and inspire speculation.
(Here’s more with Story Rulez: Two Things Every Novel Needs to Do)
Have fun doing this – and come back if you want a second look. Great start.
Thanks to our brave volunteer for submitting this for me to play with. I hope they–and others–find it helpful. I don’t do a full critique on these, (just as it pertains to the questions) and I encourage you to comment and make suggestions of your own. Just remember that these pieces are works in progress (many by new writers), not polished drafts, so be nice and offer constructive feedback.
Thanks to our brave volunteer for submitting this for me to play with. I hope they–and others–find it helpful. I don’t do a full critique on these, (just as it pertains to the questions) and I encourage you to comment and make suggestions of your own. Just remember that these pieces are works in progress (many by new writers), not polished drafts, so be nice and offer constructive feedback.
About the Critiquer
Maria D’Marco is an editor with 20+ years experience. She specializes in developmental editing, and loves the process of wading through the raw, passionate words of a first draft. Currently based in Kansas City, she flirts with the idea of going mobile, pursuing her own writing and love of photography, while maintaining her fulfilling work with authors.
Website | Twitter
Website | Twitter
This is a powerful scene concept. What it could do more of is delivering on the impression you want.
ReplyDeleteThe core of this scene as you have it is the conflict between Daniel's need to help (and his past regret) and his physical helplessness. He really could have attacked Lloyd and probably landed in the hospital, but his fear (aka common sense) wins out.
That makes the core of this scene showing the razor's edge between those two feelings. It means using everything you can to show how dangerous and *wrong* Lloyd's abuse is plus the regret from what happened to Tommy, and on the other side how simply outmassed Daniel is and how afraid it makes him.
--A thought: could Tommy be a "tiebreaker" here, temporarily? You can emphasize how that's a third factor compared to the other two, by showing Daniel indecisive or retreating, and then the thought of Tommy actually pushes him forward a moment. It might make him speak up more than usual or take a step closer, or scrabble for a weapon -- but that moment turns out to be not enough to stop Lloyd from scaring him away. Or it might push him to actually throw a useless punch or try to pry Lloyd and his mother apart, and get thrown aside, and that's when his nerve breaks. If you really wanted to play up this idea, you might start with Daniel just watching and covering his ears like he's done in the past, and then it's Tommy's memory that makes him act at all. (Though starting with "stop hitting her" is hard to beat as an instant hook.)
Another vote for getting the dog out of the first paragraph, or maybe out of the scene entirely. My biggest problem with it is that it confuses us whether the "her" being hit is the dog itself or if we should assume there are three humans in the room. In any case, it could be good background description to have the dog there, but definitely not in that vital first line, and only if you work out which moments to mention it so it feeds the overall mood without getting in the way.
Another thought: Tommy's memory can be a bit intrusive here. Daniel's in a scene that's about as immediate and demanding as can be, so you want to be certain that thoughts from outside that moment feel like the fast, not-too-full instants that a person would have when he's got enough trouble right now. (And careful: if you go too far in the other direction emphasizing Tommy, this scene could come off as downplaying Lloyd's abuse and treating it as just a convenient trigger for "more important" memories.)
This really is a powerful opening idea. Now, how well can you bring out *exactly* why it's so powerful and where it's going?
Since the dog plays no part in the scene, I don't see the need for it there, as mentioned above.
ReplyDeleteI, personally, found it very disturbing as an opening scene, a mom, a woman, being hit and while that is a personal feeling it is one to consider depending on your audience. I also felt there was a bit of telling rather than showing - i.e. Lloyd was huge, a bodybuilder. The drugs he took helped pile his muscles on top of each other.
As a protagonist, I want something to like about Daniel. All I see here is he is scared and runs away - that doesn't endear him to me. I get the "sympathy" factory of making him frightened - feeling like he failed twice but what I really feel is that when it's your mother being hit, you would put yourself in danger to help her. That makes a character you want to follow.
Think of HUNGER GAMES where the sister puts her life in front of her sibling. If Daniel tried to help, got knocked out and woke up and everyone was gone, I would definitely admire him. Here, I'm not liking anyone in the scene - and you want a reader to like someone.
Now one thing that is not mentioned is the age. If this was a young kid - maybe 8 or so, I might by into the running away. Maybe. If it was the Dad doing the hitting - there's a balance of power that a child would respect/be scared of - and it would probably be a lifelong occurrence, so I might buy that.
In any event, if I picked this up and saw something this violent with the main guy running from fear, I might run too. A little tweak and a little revision can help Daniel be the protagonist that readers will want to follow.
First things first: opening a story with domestic abuse and a child witnessing it is pretty heavy. It might be too distressing for a lot of readers, particularly before we get to know the characters. You might consider whether your intended audience is going to be able to stomach it.
ReplyDeleteThere were some things you pulled off well: the tight action sentences, and the depiction of a scared boy.
However, the depiction of the violence against Daniel's mother felt cheap and gratuitous to me. It felt like it only existed on the page for the sake of the male characters. It's main functions seemed to be so Daniel could remember his brother and we could feel sorry for him. The action was focussed on the male characters: Lloyd is active, Daniel is making choices and reacting, even dead brother Tommy gets lots of page space. But the mother pleads wordlessly and moans pitifully. Where is her agency? Surely she would be trying to protect her child, not wanting him to step in - yelling at him to run, or trying to prevent him seeing what is happening to her? Since she is the only female chracater, your female readers will identify with her. Making her intense suffering all about the males is going to put them off, if not make them angry.
I also found the characters and situation clichéd. We have the passive victim woman, the drug-taking muscle man abuser, and the little boy who wants to protect everyone. Provoking sympathy for a male character by giving him abused (or dead) close female relatives is also a cliché (and one that people nowadays tend to dislike). None of this makes your story fresh and interesting.
There are some changes you can make that would instantly improve your story and make it stand out. Have the mother act like a real person, not a cardboard sympathy doll. She can yell, fight, protect her kid. Give her agency and her own agenda. Make Daniel a girl who wants to save her mother and brother, instead of the very overdone boy character.
Domestic abuse is a nasty mess that drags icebergs of misery, shame and fear under the water. It cycles through generations, often hidden. It also affects more people than you'd know. I'd think really hard about whether you can do it justice before including it, particularly in the first scene of a story. If it comes across as a cheap grab for sympathy, you are going to lose a lot of readers.
Hope this is a helpful comment, and all the best with revising!