tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post5317092651405339023..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: WIP Diagnostic: Is This Working? A Closer Look at Enticing Readers into Your Opening SceneJanice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-69189205430673070652021-07-04T11:28:39.007-04:002021-07-04T11:28:39.007-04:00First things first: opening a story with domestic ...First things first: opening a story with domestic abuse and a child witnessing it is pretty heavy. It might be too distressing for a lot of readers, particularly before we get to know the characters. You might consider whether your intended audience is going to be able to stomach it.<br /><br />There were some things you pulled off well: the tight action sentences, and the depiction of a scared boy.<br /><br />However, the depiction of the violence against Daniel's mother felt cheap and gratuitous to me. It felt like it only existed on the page for the sake of the male characters. It's main functions seemed to be so Daniel could remember his brother and we could feel sorry for him. The action was focussed on the male characters: Lloyd is active, Daniel is making choices and reacting, even dead brother Tommy gets lots of page space. But the mother pleads wordlessly and moans pitifully. Where is her agency? Surely she would be trying to protect her child, not wanting him to step in - yelling at him to run, or trying to prevent him seeing what is happening to her? Since she is the only female chracater, your female readers will identify with her. Making her intense suffering all about the males is going to put them off, if not make them angry.<br /><br />I also found the characters and situation clichéd. We have the passive victim woman, the drug-taking muscle man abuser, and the little boy who wants to protect everyone. Provoking sympathy for a male character by giving him abused (or dead) close female relatives is also a cliché (and one that people nowadays tend to dislike). None of this makes your story fresh and interesting.<br /><br />There are some changes you can make that would instantly improve your story and make it stand out. Have the mother act like a real person, not a cardboard sympathy doll. She can yell, fight, protect her kid. Give her agency and her own agenda. Make Daniel a girl who wants to save her mother and brother, instead of the very overdone boy character.<br /><br />Domestic abuse is a nasty mess that drags icebergs of misery, shame and fear under the water. It cycles through generations, often hidden. It also affects more people than you'd know. I'd think really hard about whether you can do it justice before including it, particularly in the first scene of a story. If it comes across as a cheap grab for sympathy, you are going to lose a lot of readers.<br /><br />Hope this is a helpful comment, and all the best with revising!NLiuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00184714542401822508noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-3730646533007130912021-07-03T19:02:21.459-04:002021-07-03T19:02:21.459-04:00Since the dog plays no part in the scene, I don...Since the dog plays no part in the scene, I don't see the need for it there, as mentioned above. <br /><br />I, personally, found it very disturbing as an opening scene, a mom, a woman, being hit and while that is a personal feeling it is one to consider depending on your audience. I also felt there was a bit of telling rather than showing - i.e. Lloyd was huge, a bodybuilder. The drugs he took helped pile his muscles on top of each other.<br /><br />As a protagonist, I want something to like about Daniel. All I see here is he is scared and runs away - that doesn't endear him to me. I get the "sympathy" factory of making him frightened - feeling like he failed twice but what I really feel is that when it's your mother being hit, you would put yourself in danger to help her. That makes a character you want to follow.<br /><br />Think of HUNGER GAMES where the sister puts her life in front of her sibling. If Daniel tried to help, got knocked out and woke up and everyone was gone, I would definitely admire him. Here, I'm not liking anyone in the scene - and you want a reader to like someone.<br /><br />Now one thing that is not mentioned is the age. If this was a young kid - maybe 8 or so, I might by into the running away. Maybe. If it was the Dad doing the hitting - there's a balance of power that a child would respect/be scared of - and it would probably be a lifelong occurrence, so I might buy that. <br /><br />In any event, if I picked this up and saw something this violent with the main guy running from fear, I might run too. A little tweak and a little revision can help Daniel be the protagonist that readers will want to follow.Lynne Gobioffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08411456589261308425noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-55183413599495807042021-07-03T12:22:58.614-04:002021-07-03T12:22:58.614-04:00This is a powerful scene concept. What it could do...This is a powerful scene concept. What it could do more of is delivering on the impression you want.<br /><br />The core of this scene as you have it is the conflict between Daniel's need to help (and his past regret) and his physical helplessness. He really could have attacked Lloyd and probably landed in the hospital, but his fear (aka common sense) wins out.<br /><br />That makes the core of this scene showing the razor's edge between those two feelings. It means using everything you can to show how dangerous and *wrong* Lloyd's abuse is plus the regret from what happened to Tommy, and on the other side how simply outmassed Daniel is and how afraid it makes him.<br /><br />--A thought: could Tommy be a "tiebreaker" here, temporarily? You can emphasize how that's a third factor compared to the other two, by showing Daniel indecisive or retreating, and then the thought of Tommy actually pushes him forward a moment. It might make him speak up more than usual or take a step closer, or scrabble for a weapon -- but that moment turns out to be not enough to stop Lloyd from scaring him away. Or it might push him to actually throw a useless punch or try to pry Lloyd and his mother apart, and get thrown aside, and that's when his nerve breaks. If you really wanted to play up this idea, you might start with Daniel just watching and covering his ears like he's done in the past, and then it's Tommy's memory that makes him act at all. (Though starting with "stop hitting her" is hard to beat as an instant hook.)<br /><br />Another vote for getting the dog out of the first paragraph, or maybe out of the scene entirely. My biggest problem with it is that it confuses us whether the "her" being hit is the dog itself or if we should assume there are three humans in the room. In any case, it could be good background description to have the dog there, but definitely not in that vital first line, and only if you work out which moments to mention it so it feeds the overall mood without getting in the way.<br /><br />Another thought: Tommy's memory can be a bit intrusive here. Daniel's in a scene that's about as immediate and demanding as can be, so you want to be certain that thoughts from outside that moment feel like the fast, not-too-full instants that a person would have when he's got enough trouble right now. (And careful: if you go too far in the other direction emphasizing Tommy, this scene could come off as downplaying Lloyd's abuse and treating it as just a convenient trigger for "more important" memories.)<br /><br />This really is a powerful opening idea. Now, how well can you bring out *exactly* why it's so powerful and where it's going?Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.com