WIP Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.
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This week’s question:
1. Based on the small portion of the novel I've provided, would you read further?
Market/Genre: Historical Fiction
On to the diagnosis…
Original Text:
November 12, 1977
Jack Dare waited until after five o’clock. That way the secretaries would be gone. No reason they should suffer through this. He glanced at his watch. Five-ten. The price of time was far exceeding the cost of one more minute.
If-only-I-had, if-only-I-had. “Those are the saddest words in the world,” his father used to say. “Don’t wait for an invitation to get off your ass and do what needs to be done.”
Jack tossed his coat over his arm, hoisted his briefcase and headed for the records room where his law partner Warren Guillory, stood riffling through file cabinets. Guillory didn’t look up.
“Hey-uh, how was Houston? Why did Ed Carpenter drag you down there this close to Thanksgiving?” Jack opened his mouth to answer, but Guillory rolled right on by.
“How’s ol’ Ed doing these days? Bet the poor bastard’s gone bald by now.” Guillory, who liked to brag his hair was as thick as pea soup, had never met a bald head he didn’t take the time to insult.
“Fine. Houston agrees with him.”
Guillory eyed Jack over his shoulder. “That so?” He pulled out a document, glanced at it,
then stuffed it back in the drawer. “Greenhaven was never good enough for that prick. He wanted out of this town as fast as he could go.”
Inventing facts was Guillory’s M.O., but Jack couldn’t give him a pass on this one. “Ed practiced law in Greenhaven for fourteen years, Warren. That’s not exactly hightailing it out of town.”
“Shit, you know what I mean. Ed’s the poster child for unbridled ambition. Always on the make.”
Jack rolled his eyes, a gesture he would have skipped had Guillory been looking straight at him.
Guillory thumped a folder for emphasis. “Good thing you cut the deal and not me. Like my Dad always said, ‘Jack Dare can negotiate anything.’”
Whoa. Danger ahead. Sweet talk from Guillory came at a high price. Stakes were even higher when he referenced his late father in a charitable way.
My Thoughts in Blue:
November 12, 1977
Jack Dare waited until after five o’clock. That way the secretaries would be gone. No reason they should suffer through this. [I thought he was preparing to kill himself] He glanced at his watch. Five-ten. The price of time was far exceeding the cost of one more minute. [I can’t parse the meaning of this, spent too much time trying to and lost any reading momentum]
If-only-I-had, if-only-I-had. [is this internal thought?] “Those are the saddest words in the world,” his father used to say. [assuming Dad has passed/also, does Jack say this all the time?] “Don’t wait for an invitation to get off your ass and do what needs to be done.” [trying to make the connection between the opening phrases and this statement – regret and getting off one’s ass? / too much comprehension struggle happening so far]
Jack tossed his coat over his arm, [this sounds like the opening sentence to me – internal thought could fill in that he waited ‘til after 5 and any regrets he felt] hoisted his briefcase and headed for the records room where his law partner, Warren Guillory, stood riffling through file cabinets. Guillory didn’t look up.
“Hey-uh, how was Houston? Why did Ed Carpenter drag you down there this close to Thanksgiving?” Jack opened his mouth to answer, but Guillory rolled right on by. “How’s ol’ Ed doing these days? Bet the poor bastard’s gone bald by now.”
Guillory, who liked to brag his hair was as thick as pea soup, had never met a bald head he didn’t take the time to insult.
“Fine. Houston agrees with him.”
Guillory eyed Jack over his shoulder. “That so?” He pulled out a document, glanced at it, then stuffed it back in the drawer. “Greenhaven was never good enough for that prick. He wanted out of this town as fast as he could go.”
Inventing facts was Guillory’s M.O., but Jack couldn’t give him a pass on this one. “Ed practiced law in Greenhaven for fourteen years, Warren. That’s not exactly hightailing it out of town.”
“Shit, you know what I mean. Ed’s the poster child for unbridled ambition. Always on the make.”
Jack rolled his eyes, a gesture he would have skipped had Guillory been looking straight at him.
Guillory thumped a folder for emphasis. “Good thing you cut the deal and not me. Like my dad always said, ‘Jack Dare can negotiate anything.’”
Whoa. Danger ahead. Sweet talk from Guillory came at a high price. Stakes were even higher when he referenced his late father in a charitable way.
The Question:
1. Based on the small portion of the novel I've provided, would you read further?
Yes, I would. Since Jack is preparing to do something that he didn’t want the secretarial persons to ‘see’, I am curious. I’m less curious about what Guillory may want, but that’s just me – b.s.ing co-workers/partners are old hat. I do like how you handle the dialogue and info bits, especially the ‘inventing facts…’ opening.
I noted above that opening two paragraphs don’t feel like the strongest, and that this paragraph (Jack tossed his coat…) felt like the story start. The first two paragraphs were somewhat confusing to me, as they aren’t very straightforward, yet when I tried to apply some kind of ‘hidden’ meanings I couldn’t parse it out. I felt like these two paragraphs were meant to offer some insights about Jack, but I just wanted him to be saddled and ready to dive into his story. Part of this is expectation on my part, as I had some extra information about the story prior to reading this snippet. It appears it will be a strongly motivated tale with a number of twists and obstacles, so I wondered right off if murder was part of the opening – either Jack offing himself or someone else.
(Here’s more with The Line Forms Where? Knowing Where to Start Your Novel)
There is good information in those two paragraphs, but they may keep the reader from being able to become immersed right away. When Jack leaves with his coat, I’m ready to follow him and see what happens.
Jack moves to a records room, but I didn’t know if he went there knowing his partner would be there, or if he went there to do some research, or what. This is all okay. I’m willing to keep ready to see what happens. You have about another page to either heighten my curiosity and feed or starve my speculations. The dialogue allows an opinion to be formed of the partner, with little real prompting by Jack. The rolling of his eyes is pretty overt in meaning (usually disrespect), and I wondered if him having to suppress a sigh or snapping a pencil in half (both are well-worn reveals of emotion) or something like that would better illustrate his emotions at the time. From that use, I assume that Jack has no respect for his partner but maintains peace by not showing it. This is fine – I did wonder if that was accurate though. Jack’s on a mission to do something, are his emotions running higher than usual? Does he want to punch his partner’s smug face? With the current writing, I decided that Warren was just a jackass, not worth punching in the nose.
(Here’s more with A Trick for Writing Subtext)
The dialogue also didn’t make me feel that Jack was surprised to find Warren in the file room, and that he wasn’t in a particular hurry to go elsewhere or to want Warren to leave so he could perform his…um…whatever. Is this an accurate view?
There is also a mild curiosity about why Jack was summoned to Houston and an appreciated little info drop about Thanksgiving. I don’t know where Greenhaven is (and I assume it’s likely a real town, being included in historical fiction), so don’t know if Houston is a quick flight/drive or a trip of enough distance that he had lost a day or two of his holiday. This isn’t a big issue but is an opportunity to further ground the scene. The assumption most likely to be made by readers is that Jack had returned that day, and this is the first time Warren has seen him.
This brings me back to the idea of starting at the later point, which will give you some extra page time to take the file room scene one step further. Warren mentions ‘the deal’, lays it on thick about Jack’s negotiating skill, and flips several of Jack’s red flags. Another 50 words (now used in those jumped first paragraphs) could bait and even set a hook, securing the action of turning the page.
Currently, it appears that Jack has sought out Warren for a confrontation, possibly related to the deal that prompted the Houston trip. If you can tie this together a bit, readers will not slow down.
I do have a soft spot for the name Jack…and Jack Dare is, well, just so ripe and noir… *grin*
This is a strong start. Just needs a little dusting. Relax and let yourself go, you have strong character beginnings that only need a few twerks, er, tweaks to have sharper edges. I can already feel your rapport with the two introduced in this scene, so have at it!
Look forward to seeing more in future. Thanks for sharing your work with us!
(Here’s more with What Writers Need to Know About Hooks)
Thanks to our brave volunteer for submitting this for me to play with. I hope they–and others–find it helpful. I don’t do a full critique on these, (just as it pertains to the questions) and I encourage you to comment and make suggestions of your own. Just remember that these pieces are works in progress (many by new writers), not polished drafts, so be nice and offer constructive feedback.
About the Critiquer
Maria D’Marco is an editor with 20+ years experience. She specializes in developmental editing, and loves the process of wading through the raw, passionate words of a first draft. Currently based in Kansas City, she flirts with the idea of going mobile, pursuing her own writing and love of photography, while maintaining her fulfilling work with authors.
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Website | Twitter
I agree, I would like to see this piece start with Jack tossing his coat over his arm, as I too, found the first two paragraphs a little confusing and/or clunky. I also the idea of following Jack as the beginning of the story.
ReplyDeleteThe genre says Historical Fiction but I feel like something is going to happen here - and I want it to happen. Lawyer (feels like THE FIRM) - waiting until everyone is gone, etc. The build up is nice.
I like the dialogue, and I'm expecting it to go somewhere - I'm expecting to be brought to the point where we will be faced with an inciting incident that will change Jack's life and send him in a direction he didn't expect.
It has good bones and a great start - can't wait to read more about Jack Dare (and I like the name too!) - Good luck :)
I like the set up about waiting until five...gives us a hook right away. Maybe just tightening like: Jack Dare waited until after five o’clock. That way the secretaries would be gone. No reason they should suffer through this. He tossed his coat over his arm, hoisted his briefcase and headed for the records room where his law partner Warren Guillory, stood riffling through file cabinets. Guillory didn’t look up.
ReplyDeleteI did wonder why the partner was looking through files, and why the "secretive" meet in the file room after 5:00...another curiosity peak. I would probably read the first two or three pages to see where this was going. I'm not grabbing the historical fiction implication yet, so I would want to find that out early on, and hope a hint of it would be revealed in the opening pages.
Jack Dare is a great name...would work well in a crime fiction book ;)
This is a promising setup, but it all depends on why Warren is important -- and I'm not seeing that in time.
ReplyDeleteThis is your "prime real estate," your all-important first page. You make Warren a colorful fellow, but... is the conversation with Warren the key to the plot? It doesn't show how it is (so far), and a conversation that would be an okay-length pause in a second chapter feels a lot longer on a first page. Or is Jack trying to do something while Warren's here, with him as an obstacle, like sneaking a file out of the room? That would let you write some exciting interplay between the talk and the secret. If Jack's doing something anyway and Warren is background noise, we want the Something going by now -- or if Jack has to wait for Warren to leave, he should leave after a couple of lines, or else you can focus the scene with the sheer frustration that he won't budge.
Which of these is Warren supposed to be? As it is he's putting the story on hold, at the moment you can't afford that at all. He's a fun picture of an office blowhard, and the hints Jack drops before he's there and in dealing with him make an interesting image. He simply sits there for too long for a first page, and I don't see which way it's helping your story.
I was initially taken aback to hear that 1977 was historical (that means I'm historical since I was around back then. LOL!)
ReplyDeleteThe one major thing that jumped out at me was that the first 2 paragraphs messaged impending danger--either this guy was getting ready to off himself, someone else, or be some kind of mad bomber or something. So these two paragraphs were high tension and set up reader expectation. In the subsequent paragraphs, that seemed to fade away and left me, as a reader, confused. I was thinking "Why is he going to the records room to shoot the breeze? Yes, these paragraphs have a little bit of tension because it's obvious Jack and Warren don't see eye to eye on everything, but it's a very minor tension compared to the 1st 2 paragraphs of the story that gave the message "red alert! red alert!". And in the opening page of a story, you don't really have a chance to get to know the characters yet so it's difficult to be drawn into that give and take.
I would be willing to read another page or two to see if those first 2 paragraphs are going to be followed by a story that delivers on the implied threat.
I agree with Ken and BK, the opening paragraphs and the scene in the records room didn't seem to fit together. I wasn't sure what Jack was up to, why, or what I was meant to be worrying about on his behalf. This meant I couldn't tell if Guillory was an obstacle to Jack or if Jack had been expecting to find him and I should anticipate a showdown. This killed the tension: I was too busy feeling confused to get scared about bad things happening to Jack.
ReplyDeleteTo develop tension the threat / problem needs to be clear (not knowing the *solution* creates tension). I feel like you're trying to draw us in by keeping the threat vague, but being too vague is achieving the opposite of what you want. Only if you let us know Jack's big problem can we appreciate what a big deal it is and worry Jack won't make it.
I also found it confusing to hear about Ed and Thanksgiving and a big deal and leaving Greenhaven for Houston in such a short space of time with no context. Does Ed have anything to do with Jack's impending doom? If he does, Jack needs to give us some clues why. If not, Ed is a tangent and doesn't belong on the first page.
I liked the feel of this. (In my head, Leo DiCaprio got cast as Jack and everyone was wearing brown suits and smoking too much. I may have watched too many of these kinds of films...) The dialogue was also well-written, giving us lots of insights about Jack and Guillory's characters and relationship. I would have read on a bit to see what was about to go down.
All the best with this!