WIP Diagnostic: Is This Working? A Closer Look at Making Readers Care Enough to Read On

Critique by Maria D'Marco

WIP Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to WIP Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines. 

Submissions currently in the queue: Six

Please Note: As of today, critique slots are booked through June 19.

This week’s questions:

1. Would this opening make you want to turn the page? (Right after this opening, he goes to a jazz club and meets a woman who may turn out to be The One.)

2. Is the character of Noah likeable, or interesting, enough? (He's a fairly successful writer who lives alone and is lonely, (though he doesn't know it) and just agreed to join a sailing crew to race around the world for 3-5 months.)

3. Do you need to know more about him to care what happens to him?

Market/Genre: Commercial Fiction

On to the diagnosis…

Original Text:

Heart racing, eyes staring, barely breathing, Noah Wells stared at his cell phone. "What the hell have I done?" he asked himself, his boat, and the universe in general. He carefully set the phone down and leaned back in the settee of his thirty-eight foot sailboat home.

For a moment he stared blankly at a photo of a fifty foot sailboat in full race rig, the one he'd sailed on in the Bermuda race. A good sized boat, but seventy feet was a much bigger good-sized boat. Did he really want to spend months on a boat that size with seven other crew as it raced around the world in a maybe-not officially sanctioned race?

"Hell yes." He studied his laptop on the opposite side of the table, his office. "I think."

He thought about deadlines, would the publisher of his novels wait six more months for the new book he was working on? He had a couple articles planned, but nobody was waiting for them. His car and boat were paid for, but the slip rent would still need to be paid. Mail, phone, cable, taxes, credit card, a few goodbyes? He had forty-eight hours to deal with them before he had to be on a plane to Rhode Island. Could he do it? Did he still want to do it? "Hell yeah," he said, and got to work.

Thirty-six hours later of phone calls, emails, errands, and handshakes, hugs, and cheek kisses goodbye, Noah dropped his sea bag by the companionway ladder and let out a deep sigh. Tomorrow morning he'd catch a flight to the East coast and two days later be at sea for five... six... seven months. Now he had nothing to do but wait. He wondered if they'd have any jazz on the boat. Just in case, he knew where to go instead of... waiting.

Twenty minutes later Noah walked into Jubby's Jazz Joint, a low key bar with jazz and blues every night on a small stage in the back. Thursday night a small crowd, he sat at the bar. A woman just walking in caught his eye.

My Thoughts in Blue:

Heart racing, eyes staring, [avoid duplication/remove this use to give the two physical references more power] barely breathing, Noah Wells stared at his cell phone.

⁋"What the hell have I done?" he asked himself, his boat, and the universe in general. He carefully set the phone down and leaned back in the settee of his thirty-eight foot sailboat home.

For a moment he stared blankly at a photo of a fifty foot sailboat in full race rig, the one he'd sailed on in the Bermuda race. [45 words to frame this moment – and another use of ‘stared’ – beginning to envision Noah as bug-eyed *grin* - a tightening up will keep the scene moving] A good sized boat, but seventy feet was a much bigger good-sized boat. Did he really want to spend months on a boat that size with seven other crew as it raced around the world in a maybe-not officially sanctioned race? [23 words to infodump the scene’s premise, without taking a breath – I am curious about it and understand that Noah has experience with ocean sailing. He’s questioning his decision, but his reasoning seems weak (“did he really want?”), so I wonder why]

"Hell yes." He studied his laptop [this seems dangerously close to ‘stared at’ and makes me wonder what the laptop has to do with anything – is he looking at the screen?] on the opposite side of the table, his office. "I think."

He thought about deadlines, would the publisher of his novels [wordy – perhaps just ‘his publisher’?] wait six more months for the new book [now I know he’s a novelist] he was working on? He had a couple articles planned, but nobody was waiting for them. [is this important to include? I assume it means something to the story] His car and boat were paid for, but the slip rent would still need [‘still’ bothered me – I’d rather see him noting things and setting solutions, like the slip rent would need to be kept up, but he could pay ahead 6 months] to be paid. Mail, phone, cable, taxes, credit card, a few goodbyes?

⁋He had forty-eight hours to deal with them [does this mean that this is all he needs to take care of? And why are taxes and credit card included?] before he had to be on a plane to Rhode Island. [don’t know where he is, so don’t know what time constraints he faces] Could he do it? Did he still want to [his decision is only a few minutes old – confused as to why it’s presented now as something done some time ago – some set up would help here] do it?

⁋"Hell yeah," he said, and got to work.

Thirty-six hours later [comma here, then ‘after’] of phone calls, emails, errands, and handshakes, hugs, and cheek kisses goodbye, Noah dropped his sea bag by the companionway ladder and let out a deep sigh. Tomorrow morning he'd [awkward contraction] catch a flight to the East coast and two days later be at sea for five... six... seven months. Now he had nothing to do but wait. He wondered if they'd have any jazz on the boat. [If he likes jazz, wouldn’t he just load his player or phone app? His love of jazz could be established here by showing that he has loaded enough music for a year *grin*] Just in case, [of what?] he knew where to go instead of... waiting.

Twenty minutes later, Noah walked into Jubby's Jazz Joint, a low key bar with jazz and blues every night on a small stage [sounds like J&B are two entities, need a verb here] in the back. Thursday night, a small crowd, he sat at the bar. A woman just walking in caught his eye.

The Questions:

1. Would this opening make you want to turn the page?

Yes, if tightened up a bit. (readers chime in please) The premise presented is interesting to me, in particular, because of personal interests in international sailing and racing. Yet the presentation doesn’t help me care a lot about Noah or feel he is having any real difficulties. I do not get the idea that he’s lonely or keeps to himself, as your notes suggest. He has all the accoutrements of a bachelor’s life…

I did wonder if he lived on his boat. It seems that he does, but when he mentioned tending to ‘cable’ before leaving, I was confused. The mention of ‘taxes’ was equally confusing.

The scene seems to open with him being accepted as part of the 7-man sailing crew, a confirmation call, I decided, since his reaction was so dramatic – almost shocked. I wondered if he had submitted for the position, but without really committing to it. Perhaps he never thought he’d be accepted? His shock and staring near-dismay is never really explained, so I was left to create reasons, none of which led me to picture Noah as a serious sea-geek. I would like to have known why he was so dismayed by the call.

Some of my inability to connect with Noah was the lack of language flow. By this I mean combining movement in a flow of transitions. He finishes the call, stares at his phone, leans back on the settee (really? Not couch or sofa or divan? *grin*). I must supply all the body language, the gestures, the facial reactions. He could bring the phone to his forehead, tapping it on the bridge of his nose, then letting his arms go limp as he leaned back into the settee, expelling a huge sigh. 

Just a coarse example, but this complex sentence allows me to follow a logical, personal-to-Noah, sequence of movement. He is the center of the scene, so use him to create real interest in who he is, what he’s gotten himself into (if that’s the case). Let me ‘see’ his reactions, his energy level, and his explanations as to why he’s freaking out over the phone call and prospect of sailing a 5-7 month race. Does he doubt his abilities? Is he doubting his will to sustain his efforts for the entire race? Does he have, or has he been having, feelings that something ‘special’ is possible in the next months? Let us in on whether his reaction is just one of surprise and expected nerves at such a commitment, or if he’s really conflicted in another way.

In the end, I would read on to see what obstacles come his way, as it seems apparent that obstacles are coming. I say that because I assume that if the 36-hour marathon of getting things ship-shape for being at sea for half a year went well, then balancing his life (and the story) will mean some things just aren’t going to go as well in the future.

(Here’s more with Don’t Make This Common Characterization Mistake)

2. Is the character of Noah likeable, or interesting, enough?

I will say that he isn’t dislikable…

The tough thing with this question is that I have little or no info on Noah. No age, no description, and little background. General stats: he may live on a 38-foot sailboat (no name), docked somewhere (Florida? The Keys? Bahamas?), raced a 50-foot boat in Bermuda, is a published author, likes jazz and knows where jazz is played locally. Nothing here to dislike, and overall good potential of being likeable. 

However, I still have trouble getting ‘into’ him because I don’t know about HIM, his feelings, his reasons for doing this ‘round the world sailing race, why jazz means so much, etc. I know bits about the man, but I don’t know how these bits came to be parts of him, and which parts are strongest, and which will or may cause him trouble.

There’s enough here to make him interesting, he just needs some structure and grounding, so we aren’t all floating in white space together. Perhaps expanding just a tad on the Bermuda race? Perhaps this was very recent, and he encountered experiences that gave him pause about his skill levels? Perhaps he challenged himself to a duel by signing up for the make-or-break circumnavigation race, and part of him wanted to rise to that challenge and part wanted to leave the challenge untested? Some of these answers would allow readers to understand what battles, obvious to him or not, he is facing – and would allow readers to care, to root for him, or to support him in the decisions he makes in the future of the story.

(Here’s more with The Triangle of Likability: How to Make Your Characters Come Alive)

3. Do you need to know more about him to care what happens to him?

Bingo… Yes (readers chime in please) – I need to know more about him and why he’s reacting as he does when his place aboard the 70-footer is confirmed. I need to know why a woman walking into Jubby’s Jazz Joint that evening is a big deal – or even a deal worth mentioning. I need to know if he notices because he’s been celibate, is contemplating being celibate for 5-7 months, or that there’s something special about her appearance/body language.

Readers only care if you give them a human being to care about. Readers are generous with their sympathy for and understanding of characters, and they enjoy being embroiled in their adventures and troubles and triumphs. Give us something about Noah that allows us to image his personality – this is important – his personality is the final blend of each day’s experiences, bound together to create his personal values and ideals. If Noah felt he needs to prove something to himself or challenge himself, let us know why this is important to him.

I love sailing books. I love editing sailing books, and the true sailors, those who heave to the calling of the sea, are a unique bunch. I bet you can make Noah a part of that very special group of folks. You have a solid beginning premise to build on, just grab the rigging lines and steer for the horizon! *grin*

(Here’s more with How to Write Rich Characterization: A Cheat-Sheet)

Thanks to our brave volunteer for submitting this for me to play with. I hope they–and others–find it helpful. I don’t do a full critique on these, (just as it pertains to the questions) and I encourage you to comment and make suggestions of your own. Just remember that these pieces are works in progress (many by new writers), not polished drafts, so be nice and offer constructive feedback.

About the Critiquer

Maria D’Marco is an editor with 20+ years experience. She specializes in developmental editing, and loves the process of wading through the raw, passionate words of a first draft. Currently based in Kansas City, she flirts with the idea of going mobile, pursuing her own writing and love of photography, while maintaining her fulfilling work with authors.

Website | Twitter