Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Historical Fiction Opening Grab You?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Six 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through July 29.

This week’s questions:

1. Does the opening work?

2. Are the voice and characterization working?

3. Would you read on?

4. Any red flags?

Market/Genre: Historical Fiction

On to the diagnosis…

Original text:

One more stop before the train pulled into Bari Centrale Station and they'd find out if all their hard work paid off. Pino yanked the strap of his vest on his shoulder and wiggled the hefty garment back into place under his coiled wool sweater. Out the wide train windows, the charred, broken remnants of Foggia’s once sturdy municipal buildings passed, cradled in sunlight, wood girders and crumpled stone pillars strewed up and down the hillside like a child’s discarded toy blocks.

Pino palmed sweat off his widow’s peak and committed the scene to memory. If he ever painted again, the devastation in this once proud Italian town would be the first scene he’d paint. He imagined scraping burnt browns and blistered grays onto a canvas to capture the town’s destruction after months of Allied and Nazi bombings.

Pino shook the image from his mind. He needed to focus on today and on the deep, etched worry lines that would lift from his father’s face when Pino surprised him with the money from this mission. “My son. Finally, a man,” his father would say. Pino imagined his mother’s warm embrace and the feeling of pride flooding his body. Today’s the day. He would do whatever it took to prove himself and to help his father’s struggling almond factory stay afloat.

Exhaustion tugged at Pino’s neck muscles, but the murmuring rumble of the train’s gassy engine calmed his breathing. At least until Alfredo slapped a palm across the back of his head.

“Wake up. You look too relaxed,” Alfredo said and slid into the seat next to Pino. “We need to be ready when we hit Bari. I figured out our exit plan.” Alfredo rolled two hazelnuts in his palm, clicking the shells like a squirrel organizing nuts in its cheeks.

Pino jerked his head toward two uniformed soldiers playing cards at the far end of the train car. “Are you crazy?What if they hear you?”

Alfredo curled his plump lips into the crooked smirk that had won over every school teacher since first grade. “Nah, they’re too busy stealing each other’s money.”

Confident bastard. Didn’t even bother to whisper.

My Thoughts in Purple:

One more stop before the train pulled into Bari Centrale Station and they'd find out if all their hard work paid off. Pino yanked the strap of his vest on his shoulder and wiggled the hefty garment back into place under his coiled wool sweater. Out the wide train windows, the charred, broken remnants of Foggia’s once sturdy municipal buildings passed, cradled in sunlight, wood girders and crumpled stone pillars strewed up and down the hillside like a child’s discarded toy blocks.

Pino palmed sweat off his widow’s peak and committed the scene to memory. If he ever painted again, the devastation in this once proud Italian town would be the first scene he’d paint. He imagined scraping burnt browns and blistered grays onto a canvas to capture the town’s destruction after months of Allied and Nazi bombings.

Pino shook the image from his mind. He needed to focus on today and on the deep, etched worry lines that would lift from his father’s face when Pino surprised him with the money from this mission. “My son. Finally, a man,” his father would say. Pino imagined his mother’s warm embrace and the feeling of pride flooding his body. Today’s the day. He would do whatever it took to prove himself and to help his father’s struggling almond factory stay afloat. I like the emotions in this paragraph, but it feels just a tad too tellish and detached, even for the omniscient narrator

[Exhaustion tugged at Pino’s neck muscles, but the murmuring rumble of the train’s gassy engine calmed his breathing.] This doesn’t seem like a “but” sentence. Being exhausted doesn’t connect to the breathing At least until Alfredo slapped a palm across the back of his head. I like the idea that he’s starting to relax and the slap jars him out of it, but it reads awkwardly as is

“Wake up. You look too relaxed,” Alfredo said and slid into the seat next to Pino. “[We need to be ready when we hit Bari. I figured out our exit plan.”] Feels a little tellish. Perhaps combine these two, such as “I figured out our exit plan when we hit Bari”? Alfredo rolled two hazelnuts in his palm, clicking the shells like a squirrel organizing nuts in its cheeks.

Pino jerked his head toward two uniformed soldiers playing cards at the far end of the train car. [“Are you crazy?What if they hear you?”] This is the first indication that they’re up to something

[Alfredo curled his plump lips into the crooked smirk that had won over every school teacher since first grade. “Nah, they’re too busy stealing each other’s money.”

Confident bastard. Didn’t even bother to whisper. ] I like the voice in these lines. I feel like the story has come alive in these last three paragraphs

The questions:

1. Does the opening work?

Not quite yet for me (readers chime in here), though I suspect I was just getting to the good part. It wasn’t until he mentioned the soldiers that I had any idea these two were planning a heist or some type of potential criminal activity (and that’s just a guess based on the text). I read this as a tired man heading home to his family with a plan to save the family business.

I suspect there's information here that isn't making it to the page in the beginning of this. Pino fidgets with his vest, and on a second read I wonder if that vest is protective or utilitarian or something related to what they’re doing. His tenseness and breathing also take on new meaning if I look at this as someone about to do something risky or dangerous. Being willing to "do anything" to save his family also has a more dire tone. But these details didn’t jump out at me as anything risky until the end of the snippet.

I’d suggest making it clearer at the start that Pino and Alfredo are up to something potentially no-good or dangerous (if that is indeed the case). Maybe let Pino spot the soldiers and act nervous, or show some hint that he’s worried about them. I think if I knew sooner that this was pre-plan to something risky, I’d be drawn in more. In the last few lines, my curiosity was certainly piqued, because that’s when I realized there was more going on here than a guy going home. It went from vague setup to something going on.

(Here’s more on getting what’s in your head onto the page)

2. Are the voice and characterization working?

I like the voice towards the end, because I felt closer in Pino’s head, but the third omniscient made it feel a little distant to me overall. That’s a common POV for the genre, though, so it could be a personal issue and not an actual problem. I’ve marked the few places that felt a bit tellish and too distant even for the POV.

I don’t yet feel like I know these two, but I do get a sense that Pino is an artist and a family man, and probably has a good heart, while Alfredo is the charmer and troublemaker.

(Here’s more on developing character voices)

3. Would you read on?

Maybe (readers chime in here). If the cover copy intrigued me, I’d probably give it another page or two to grab me. But if this was all I saw, I’m not sure I’d have made it to the intriguing part (as that fell outside the standard 250 words in a page). But I think if there had been a few more (or clearer) hints of what’s going on in the first few paragraphs it would have held my attention.

(Here’s more on hooking readers in three easy steps)

4. Any red flags?

Just the ones I’ve already mentioned.

Overall, I think this just isn’t quite clear enough about what’s going on at the start, so there’s no tension or hook to draw me in until later. I think clues are there, but they lead to the wrong conclusion for me based on what other details were in the scene. I thought I was reading one book at the start, but by the end it seemed like a different story. One didn’t grab me, the other was starting to. I don’t think it would take much tweaking at all to clear up those details so they all point where you want them to point.

Thanks to our brave volunteer for submitting this for me to play with. I hope they–and others–find it helpful. I don’t do a full critique on these, (just as it pertains to the questions) and I encourage you to comment and make suggestions of your own. Just remember that these pieces are works in progress (many by new writers), not polished drafts, so be nice and offer constructive feedback.