Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Mystery/Thriller Opening Hook You?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

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This week’s question:

1. I have finished the story and on my third re-write, but the first page haunts me. Will the first page hook the reader?

Market/Genre: Mystery/Thriller

On to the diagnosis…

Original text:

Background: The protagonist works for the government and wants, needs to escape from a life steeped with death—his doing. He knows if he leaves on his own, he’ll become the government’s prey, running forever. Nonetheless, he plans to travel across the country stopping in small towns to enjoy a life of serenity, achievement, and romance. His first stop is a small town in Ohio where he blends in with the community and meets a beautiful young woman, falling in love. But he witnesses the murder of a young college girl, three attempts are made on his life and two others, and he fights back with more than questions and answers. He’s right back in the hell from which he escaped.

Precariously walking the tightrope of death, that thin wire where either of two opposite bad situations would send me plummeting into the uncertainties of hell I had been vigilant fulfilling my resolve, and prepared to rid the dark human shadows that followed me should they catch up and be my death.

It was ten o’clock at night and I was thirty-five thousand feet in the air, firmly placed in the first row window seat on board United flight 856 bound for Paris, staring out the cabin window. My haunted face reflecting in the glass, burdened with anxiety and fear. Looking out beyond that saddled face was the darkened certainty of another’s death—my doing—my life!

The face in the glass stared back at me.

I turned from the window to collect my thoughts and work through the trajectory that would foretell the unexpected outcome of a certain person’s life, and the prolongation of mine.

The trajectory was simple; I knew what I had to do and how to do it; a mission of reason and conclusion––empowering my skills to fulfill the orders of the desirable for the permanent cessation of the undesirable.

But I didn’t care about the undesirable or the desirable for that matter––not anymore.

Yet I was stationed between them. On my right were the powerfully righteous to whom I answered their decree of purity, nobility, and trustworthiness. To my left were the immoral, unjust, and unscrupulous, fixated on human consumption to support their need. One could not have the other. And I could no longer bring to bear who should live, and who should die.

Walking that tightrope for more than twenty years, I was ready to step off; see a life beyond the endpoints of the tensioned wire, find balance in a life that would bring serenity, achievement, and romance . . . yes romance!

My Thoughts in Purple:

Precariously walking the tightrope of death, that thin wire where either of two opposite bad situations would send me plummeting into the uncertainties of hell I had been vigilant fulfilling my resolve, and prepared to rid the dark human shadows that followed me should they catch up and be my death. This is a rather cumbersome sentence, and it doesn’t tell me anything.

It was ten o’clock at night and I was thirty-five thousand feet in the air, firmly placed in the first row window seat on board United flight 856 bound for Paris, staring out the cabin window. My haunted face reflecting in the glass, burdened with anxiety and fear. Looking out beyond that saddled face was the darkened certainty of another’s death—my doing—my life! Feels a little melodramatic

The face in the glass stared back at me.

I turned from the window to collect my thoughts and work through the trajectory that would foretell the unexpected outcome of a certain person’s life, and the prolongation of mine.

The trajectory was simple; I knew what I had to do and how to do it; a mission of reason and conclusion––empowering my skills to fulfill the orders of the desirable for the permanent cessation of the undesirable.

But I didn’t care about the undesirable or the desirable for that matter––not anymore.

Yet I was stationed between them. On my right were the powerfully righteous to whom I answered their decree of purity, nobility, and trustworthiness. To my left were the immoral, unjust, and unscrupulous, fixated on human consumption to support their need. One could not have the other. And I could no longer bring to bear who should live, and who should die.

Walking that tightrope for more than twenty years, I was ready to step off; see a life beyond the endpoints of the tensioned wire, find balance in a life that would bring serenity, achievement, and romance . . . yes romance!

The question:

1. Will the first page hook the reader?

I don’t think so (readers chime in here). Voice is very subjective, but this feels overwritten to me, trying to hard to sound literary, which is fighting the tone and voice of a typical mystery or thriller. Thrillers are fast-paced and exciting, and this is slow-paced, reflective, a little melodramatic. It doesn’t say “assassin” to me.

(Here’s more on the problems with purple prose)

It’s also all backstory and explanation as to why the protagonist is making a change. He tells readers what he was and what he did and why he’s making a change. From a reader’s perspective, so what? So an assassin finally got a conscience. That’s good, but there’s no reason for readers to care about this character yet, and nothing to show why him deciding to walk away is a good thing. There’s also no reason why he’s choosing this moment to quit. What is it about this job that is the last straw for him?

There’s no suggestion of a plot yet, just setup for the novel. I’d be more interested to see him in Ohio beginning his life and wondering who he was and what he was doing. I assume the cover copy would say “ex-assassin,” so I’d have the general idea already. If not, then it’s even more critical not to give that away on page one. Seeing glimpses of this guy’s former life and the skills he has would be intriguing.

Even though it’s first person, it doesn’t feel close as a point of view due to the vocabulary chosen and the explanatory nature of it. For example:

I turned from the window to collect my thoughts and work through the trajectory that would foretell the unexpected outcome of a certain person’s life, and the prolongation of mine.

This is essentially someone asking: If I didn’t kill this person, what would happen?

That’s a fun question, but it’s so overwritten it’s hard to follow, because every word has to be parsed for meaning.

(Here’s more on overwriting and how to avoid it)

The concept of a killer deciding to abandon the life and look for a better life is a fun one, and I’ve seen multiple movies that explore this concept well. Putting the right likable protagonist with high skills in that situation is quite entertaining.

(Here’s more on hooking readers in three easy steps)

Take a step back and think about what this is—is it a story that explains how an assassin tries to fit in and have a normal life and has to run or be killed, or the story of an assassin on the run who becomes involved in a murder and is willing to risk his life and freedom to solve it?

One is backstory with little to no plot, the other is an interesting mystery.

The story isn’t what he was, but the problem he’s facing and how that’s complicated by his past. It’s a subtle shift, but I think if you focus on the mystery and the conflict of the book and not the backstory of the protagonist, you’ll serve the story better. I think this is why you’re having trouble getting off the first page. It’s not the right first page.

(Here’s more on knowing where to start your novel)

Overall, I think this is starting in the wrong place and trying to explain the setup instead of jumping into the story. You might looking a few chapters in and see if the chapter where he gets to Ohio would make a stronger opening.

Thanks to our brave volunteer for submitting this for me to play with. I hope they–and others–find it helpful. I don’t do a full critique on these, (just as it pertains to the questions) and I encourage you to comment and make suggestions of your own. Just remember that these pieces are works in progress, not polished drafts, so be nice and offer constructive feedback.