5 Edits to Strengthen Your Writing, Right Now

By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Making some simple word edits can turn a flat scene into one that sings.

Back when I was first learning how to write and trying to figure it all out, one of my favorite things to discover was a great writing tip. The tips that I could immediately apply to my work and see actual improvement were the best. I got especially excited over lists of words or specific examples, because I could do a search and find the weak areas right away. Which is probably why I like to do a lot of lists and examples now in my own articles.

While there's nothing inherently wrong with a "weak word," they do tend to hang around trouble areas--just like those red flag words with show, don't tell. They're good places to start looking when something feels off in your work or you're getting negative feedback. If you're just looking for the next step to improve your craft, these are good words to search for to find possible places to revise.

Let's a take a peek at a few of those "weak area words" that often pull readers out of a story.

1. As

As is so common a word that it slips in without us noticing. We imagine a scene in our heads, put it on paper, and sometimes we lump everything together so it flows as once nice sentence. We describe it as we see it unfold in our imagination, even if what we describe is physically impossible.

Lisa shut the door as she walked through the kitchen, dropping her raincoat over the chair as she reached for the phone to call Chuck about the meeting.

Lisa is doing multiple things at once here. She’s A) shutting the door B) walking through the kitchen, C) dropping a raincoat over a chair, D) reaching for the phone.

How exactly does she shut as door and walk through a kitchen at the same time? And how many hands does she have? She needs three here: one to close the door (though I suppose she could have used a foot or hip), one to drape the raincoat, and one to reach for the phone.

While I know a sentence like this isn’t meant to be taken as if everything was happening at the same time, it often reads as such when all the events are grouped together. X is happening as Y is happening. That’s the nature of as in this type of sentence. That can yank readers right out of a story as they try to figure out who's doing what when. Try breaking up the actions a bit:

Lisa entered the kitchen, nudging the door shut with her hip. Rain dripped off her coat onto the bright tile and she sighed. Great. She’d have to mop that up right after she called Chuck. She tossed the coat over a chair, then reached for the phone.

This is more interesting, and it adds a few details about the kitchen to set the scene, and get in some internalization to show some of Lisa’s personality and emotional state. It becomes more than just a "get the character someplace" transition sentence.

A quick search for as can show you places where too much could be going on at once, or funny situations are occurring. They’re opportunities to clarify the work and find stronger ways to describe the scene.

(Here are 14 more words that might be hurting your manuscript) 

2. She said, doing something while talking

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this type of sentence. It’s a perfectly good structure. The trouble comes when it’s used in nearly every line of dialogue, then it becomes clunky and sucks the life right out of the prose.

“Did Jane say what she found?” Bob asked, loading shells into the shotgun.

“No,” Sally said, shaking her head. “But then she never tells me anything.”

“That’s not true.” He frowned and set the shotgun down on the worn table.

“Yeah, it is.” She pushed her bangs off her face. “You’d know that if you paid any attention.”

“When don’t I pay attention?” he said incredulously, rising and coming across the room to meet her.

“When do you?” she whispered, so low he could barely hear her.

Feel how sluggish that reads? How awkward? Don't you feel like laughing at them for being so melodramatic? Each sentence is fine on its own, but string together feels overwritten. Let's revise and see what happens:

“Did Jane say what she found?” Bob asked, loading shells into the shotgun.

“No, but then she never tells me anything.”

“That’s not true.”

“Yeah, it is.” She pushed her bangs off her face. “You’d know that if you paid any attention.”

He frowned and set the shotgun down on the worn table. “When don’t I pay attention?”

“When do you?” she whispered, so low he barely heard her.

Feel the pace and tension pick up? The focus returns to what they’re saying (and not saying) and the conflict between them instead of focusing on every single bit of movement.

When you see a lot of dialogue/action sentences in a row, try cutting a few out, and moving the tags around so some are before the dialogue while others are after. Odds are it’ll streamline the scene, pick up the pace, and kill any brewing melodrama.

(Here's more on varying the sentence structure)

3. Knew

Unless you’re writing a distant or omniscient narrator, telling the reader a character knows something is redundant. She's the point of view character, so if she thinks it, readers know she knows it. In most cases (there are always exceptions) cutting it makes the sentence feel more immediate and shown.

Maggie knew he’d never listen to her. This time would be no different from all the others.

What makes knew particularly dangerous, is that it's easy to keep writing what the character knows and go on to explain things and start telling. It's feels as though you're in the character's head, but often, you're not. It can be a subtle shift, but that slight difference in voice can be enough to start losing your reader. Try some internalization instead:

Maggie scoffed. He never listened to her. Why should this time be any different?

Knew is a good placeholder word for a line that could become internalization. Instead of telling the reader a character knows something, show it through their thoughts or actions.

(Here's more on crafting natural-sounding internal thoughts) 

4. Because

Because is a common explanation word, and often announces you’re about to infodump, tell, or drop in some backstory. In most cases, you can simply cut because and the sentence reads better, though it's usually a good idea to rethink the sentence itself.

She pulled on her surgical mask, because no one went outside these days without one. Not since the Red Brigade terrorist group unleashed a virus three months ago that had claimed half the city.

Hear that thud? That’s the sound of flat information hitting the reader’s ears. Because is another placeholder word that highlights an opportunity for character development and world building. It's a potential moment where you can show how the point of view character sees the world around her and how she feels about it, all while imparting important information to the reader. Try fleshing it out a bit:

She pulled a surgical mask out of the box by the door and frowned. Only six left. Better hit the store on the way home. No way was she running out. Half the city had already learned that lesson.

She tucked the straps behind her ears and wished the last three months had never happened. The deaths. The fear. The virus.

Damn Red Brigade.

You should have a much better sense of this woman and this world now. It’s not just cold facts about the situation, but a person who’s been through it and has a strong opinion about it. It also piques curiosity, making readers wonder what happened and why.

(Here's more on the trouble with when statements) 

5. Things started or began

I'll admit this one is a pet peeve of mine, and many readers won't be bothered by it. But I like to point it out because it's one of those areas where you might be writing it without really thinking about what you're writing.

Bob started to walk toward the truck.

Exactly what is Bob doing? He's not walking, he only "started" to walk. Which is what? Lifted on foot? Took a step? It's one of those phrases that suggests action but doesn't actually show the action.

Unless the intent is to show something being interrupted, started or began inches close to told territory. It has an inherent "but" lurking there, waiting to explain why the action was interrupted.

Bob started to walk toward the truck, but Jane caught his arm and stopped him.

It also implies the POV character knows the duration of the action. This is the start of the walking, and the narrator knows when the ending of the walking will be.

If taking out the started to or began doesn't change the meaning of the sentence, perhaps the sentence is better off without it.

Bob walked toward the truck.

It's cleaner, it shows, and Bob is physically doing something. Other good words to watch out for here--"trying to" and "almost." Most times, they're ambiguous and can even imply the opposite of what you mean.

(Here's more on the problems with "trying to" and clarifying what your characters do)

None of these suggestions are written-in-stone-rules, but if you have a manuscript that feels off, or is getting that frustrating "It's not grabbing me but I can't say why" feedback, it could be worth checking to see if any of these are weakening the writing.

Sometimes finding weak spots in your writing is as easy as doing a word search, and then training yourself to catch or avoid those words in the future.

How do you feel about this list? Do any of these things bother you? What are some things that pull you out of a story? 

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Janice Hardy is the award-winning author of the teen fantasy trilogy The Healing Wars, including The Shifter, Blue Fire, and Darkfall from Balzer+Bray/Harper Collins. The Shifter, was chosen for the 2014 list of "Ten Books All Young Georgians Should Read" from the Georgia Center for the Book.

She also writes the Grace Harper urban fantasy series for adults under the name, J.T. Hardy.

When she's not writing novels, she's teaching other writers how to improve their craft. She's the founder of Fiction University and has written multiple books on writing.

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