WIP Diagnostic: Is This Working? A Closer Look at Show, Don’t Tell and POV

Critique by Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

WIP Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

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Submissions currently in the queue: Four

Please Note: As of today, critique slots are booked through July 24.

This week’s questions:

1. Main concern: Is there telling detected that should be deleted or can be corrected? Suggestions?

2. Is there enough at stake?

3. Is the scene grounded enough in description?

4. Is there enough about Malia to make the reader care or sympathize with her?

5. Anything outstanding that could use revising?

Market/Genre: Romantic Suspense

On to the diagnosis…
  
Original Text:

Malia Hudson dashed up the steps of the wooden platform near the road and planted her hands on her hips. Trade winds cooled her face and sugarcane leaves chattered in the nearby field.

Her brother, Kimo marched toward the small stage, his shirt ruffling in the breeze.

At the podium, she adjusted her microphone and faced him. “Do you have all the folding chairs in place so soon?”

“Not quite. I have a few more in the pickup.” Kimo paused and stared at the ground as if something nagged at him.

“Is everything all right?”

“I got a call from the office a few minutes ago. They received a buzz from someone warning our organization to back off publicizing Hawaiian rights or we’ll all face serious consequences.”

“Someone is using threats to try and keep us from telling the truth?” Malia’s pitch turned shrill.

“It’s one thing to disagree with us, but this is totally insane.” Kimo kicked at the red dirt. “The office said we should cancel the meeting if we feel uncomfortable about the call.”

Heat rose to Malia’s cheeks. “It’s too late. Most people are probably on the way here.”

“No doubt.” Kimo shaded his eyes and stared toward his friend at the information booth. “We need to update Asher about the phone call.”

“I’ll run over to the stand and tell him, see if he wants to stay for the meeting.”

“Great.” Kimo turned, tilted his head to the side.

My Thoughts in Blue:

Note: The author is particularly concerned about telling in the dialogue and internal dialogue and asked for extra focus there, so my comments are more nitpicky than they would be in another submission.

Malia Hudson dashed up the steps of the wooden platform near the road [This doesn’t give readers enough clues to imagine the scene] and planted her hands on her hips. [This is a good spot for an internal thought that helps set the scene and show why Malia just did this] Trade winds cooled her face and sugarcane leaves chattered in the nearby field.

Her brother, Kimo [either a comma after “Kimo”, or no comma after “brother”] marched toward the small stage, his shirt ruffling in the breeze. [This sentence feels like it either belongs in the previous paragraph, or it needs a transition that connects it to the previous paragraph. For example, Malia turns to look for him because she’s impatient, or she thinks about him, or he says something and she turns.]

At the podium [This is a different image from “wooden platform,”], she adjusted her microphone [so there’s electricity?] and faced him. “Do you have all the folding chairs in place so soon?” [The “so soon” in this question feels off. This dialogue also doesn’t sound like natural speech. “Are the chairs in place?” or “Did you get all the chairs?” or “Are the chairs all unloaded?” feels more conversational. She can see if they’re in place, assuming they’re facing the podium.]

“Not quite. [This also feels a bit off. What’s she’s asking, is if all the chairs have been unloaded and placed. “Not yet” might work better.] I have a few more in the pickup.” [This comes across a bit tellish, because it’s explaining that he has more chairs and where they are. Malia knows he has chairs in the pickup, and she doesn’t need to be told that. But readers do. It’s also an opportunity to show a little of Kimo’s voice] Kimo paused and stared at the ground as if something nagged at him. [What does this look like? Is he frowning? Brow furrowed? Hands shoved in pockets?]

“Is everything all right?” [This is another opportunity for voice. There’s nothing wrong with this line, but it’s essentially “something’s not right with Kimo.” Is this how Malia would phrase the question? Would she be more casual with her brother, such as “Something wrong?” “What’s up?” “What with the pouty face?” She’s reacting to what the author knows is a problem (something isn’t right) versus reacting to her brother acting “off” in some way]

“I got a call from the office a few minutes ago. They received a buzz from someone warning our organization to back off publicizing Hawaiian rights or we’ll all face serious consequences.” [This is telling readers this information, not a concerned brother talking to his sister. I’ll go into this more below]

“Someone is using threats to try and keep us from telling the truth?” [Same here. This is repeating the above information to make sure readers understand what the problem is] Malia’s pitch turned shrill. [Telling. What is a verb that says this? Shrieked? Screeched?]

“It’s one thing to disagree with us, but this is totally insane.” [This sounds more like natural speech] Kimo kicked at the red dirt. [Why? This action is typically associated with uncertainty or embarrassment, but I don’t think he’s feeling those right now] “The office said we should cancel the meeting if we feel uncomfortable about the call.” [This feels a little tellish]

Heat rose to Malia’s cheeks. [Why? This is usually associated with embarrassment, but I’d imagine she’s either scared or angry] “It’s too late. Most people are probably on the way here.” [This tells information, but it’s probably not something Malia would say at this moment. The focus is on “people are already on the way,” but the question was “are you uncomfortable about this threat?” But neither of them are showing any real emotion about it]

“No doubt.” Kimo shaded his eyes and stared toward his friend [Either use the name instead, or add the name here ] at the information booth. “We need to update Asher about the phone call.” [Telling what needs to be done instead of showing them reacting]

“I’ll run over to the stand and tell him, see if he wants to stay for the meeting.” [Telling. It also over explains what needs to be done. “I’ll do it” is all she needs to say.]

“Great.” Kimo turned, tilted his head to the side.

The Questions:

1. Main concern: Is there telling detected that should be deleted or can be corrected? Suggestions?

Yes. There’s still a lot of telling and a lack of internalization to convey the emotions in the scene. The conversation reads more like an exchange of information than two siblings worried about a threat. Since it’s easier to understand with examples, I’m going to edit this a bit. Obviously, use your own voice and rework it as you see fit, these are just examples.

Malia Hudson adjusted the “Hawaiian Rights Slogan” banner above the podium she and her brother had dragged out to the sugarcane fields that morning. A bit unorthodox—a political rally in the middle of nowhere—but these fields and the growers' way of life was what they were trying to save. Trade winds cooled her face and leaves chattered in the nearby field as if the sugarcane approved. She took a step back and planted her hands on her hips. Perfect.

This is a big loose with the details since I don’t know your story, but hopefully it gets the idea across. My goal here was to immediately set the scene and what Malia is doing. She’s hosting a rally/event for Hawaiian rights in a sugarcane field. She’s thinking about it, which gives you a chance to show her voice, and show readers why she’s there.

“Hey Mal,” her brother Kimo called. “We’ve got a problem.”

She turned. He marched through the rows of folding chairs toward the small stage, his brow furrowed. Her stomach fluttered. “Nobody’s coming?”

“No. Some wacko just called the office and told us to back off or else.”

Her skin flushed icy cold. That was insane. Why would anyone threaten them? It was just a rally. “Are you serious? Did they call the police?”

This conversation could use specific details about what they’re doing, and maybe the threat itself, but my goal was to show how the conversation could play out more naturally. If Kimo got a call about a threat, he’d go right to his sister and tell her. He wouldn’t continue to unload chairs as if nothing had happened and act like he was nervous about telling her.

“I don’t know.” Kimo kicked at the red dirt. “Maybe we should cancel.”

If the threat was real, maybe. But if not? They’d worked every night for two weeks prepping for this event. They’d spent months getting people to listen to them about [the truth.] No way she’d let some anonymous coward silence her.

She crossed her arms. “No.”

“Don’t be an idiot.” Kimo ran a hand through his dark hair, then gestured at the vast fields. “We’re alone out here.”

“I don’t care. We’re not caving to scare tactics. Besides, people are already on the way. It’s too late to cancel.”

Again, more specifics are needed (particularly what “the truth” is), but my goal here is to show how Malia and Kimo feel about this threat, and how they react to it. I made Malia brave and not willing to stand down (she’s the protagonist, after all), but if she feels differently, her thoughts and dialogue would reflect that. you want to show how she feels through her dialogue and internal thoughts.

“Okay, fine, but Asher needs to know.” Kimo shaded his eyes and stared toward the information booth where his friend was busy setting up the fliers and petition clipboards. “You tell him.”

“Chicken,” she said, but a grin tugged at the corner of her mouth.

“He’s bigger than me.”

Totally made this last part up, but my goal was to show a little about Malia and Kimo’s relationship as siblings. Not only would this helps readers like and connect to them, it transitions the scene to Malia going over to talk to Asher. It even adds a little tension, as readers might wonder why Kimo is scared to tell Asher what's going on.

This revision isn’t perfect by a long shot, but hopefully it shows how and where you can use dialogue and internal thought to convey information to readers without stating it outright, and show a little characterization as well. It also show what to focus on and where the details needs to come from. 

(Here’s more with What You Need to Know About Internalization)

2. Is there enough at stake?

Yes and no. I think the stakes are there—the event and people in danger—but the specifics of that are still missing. So is any decision Malia might make about it. Right now, she has no choice, so the threat doesn’t affect anything. It’s telling readers “Something bad is coming,” but not in a way that makes them worry.

My edits shows Malia making the decision to stay and why it matters. This should make readers care more, and worry more. The conflict comes from her having to decide if she should cancel the event or go on despite the threat. However you change that should reflect why they're taking a risk and what that risk is.

(Here’s more with Ready, Set...Where's the Action? Keeping Informative Scenes Tense)

3. Is the scene grounded enough in description?

Not yet. There are a few details, but they change, so readers get an image in their minds and then have to adjust that image. I assumed this was out in a field somewhere, but it could be in town. You can add details to what Malia hears and sees to flesh it out correctly. For example, maybe she looks at the information booth and sees cars along the road if this is closer to town.

(Here’s more with 4 Steps for Choosing What Details to Describe in a Scene)

4. Is there enough about Malia to make the reader care or sympathize with her?

Not yet, because I don’t know anything about her. She has a brother. They’re trying to get “the truth” out there about Hawaiian rights. That’s it. There’s no internal thought or personalized dialogue that gives readers a sense of who these people are.

My edits might not be right, but they give a sense of her personality and what she feels. She’s tough and believes in her cause, and she won’t back down. Kimo is more unsure and wants to cancel. He sees the dangers she doesn’t. Just use my example and fill in the correct personalities if you aren't sure how to do it yet. Hopefully that will get you thinking about it in the right direction and the rest will be easier to edit.

(Here’s more with 5 Ways to Convey Emotions in Your Novel)

5. Anything outstanding that could use revising?

Just what’s above. You have a solid sense of what happens in this scene, but you’re still looking at it from outside the characters and explaining. The dialogue isn’t two people having a conversation, but information inserted for readers. The focus is on the wrong things—the chairs don’t matter, but the call does. How Malia feels about the threat matters. What she does next and why matters.

(Here’s more with Is Your Description Helping Your Story or Holding it Back?)

Overall, this feels like a point of view issue. You’re not yet in the heads of these characters, so instead of showing readers what they see and how they feel, you’re explaining the situation of the scene. I’d suggest figuring out how Malia and Kimo feel and what they see as they set up for the event. What is Malia thinking about? What is she focused on? What does she hope this event will do? How will she react when Kimo tells her about the threat? How does Kimo feel about that? It’s not his POV, but he’ll show outward signs of his emotions. He’ll talk to Malia based on how he feels about the threat.

Once you’re solid in Malia’s POV, you’ll know what she sees, feels, thinks, and you’ll probably start showing instead of telling. You won’t need to explain anymore, because you’ll be showing the details that matter through the characters interacting with their world and thinking about it as someone in that situation would.

Thanks to our brave volunteer for submitting this for me to play with. I hope they–and others–find it helpful. I don’t do a full critique on these, (just as it pertains to the questions) and I encourage you to comment and make suggestions of your own. Just remember that these pieces are works in progress (many by new writers), not polished drafts, so be nice and offer constructive feedback.

About the Critiquer

Janice Hardy is the award-winning author of the teen fantasy trilogy The Healing Wars, including The Shifter, Blue Fire, and Darkfall from Balzer+Bray/Harper Collins. The Shifter, was chosen for the 2014 list of "Ten Books All Young Georgians Should Read" from the Georgia Center for the Book. It was also shortlisted for the Waterstones Children's Book Prize (2011), and The Truman Award (2011). She also writes the Grace Harper paranormal thriller series for adults under the name, J.T. Hardy.

She's the founder of Fiction University and has written multiple books on writing, including Understanding Show, Don't Tell (And Really Getting It), Plotting Your Novel: Ideas and Structure, and the Revising Your Novel: First Draft to Finished Draft series. 

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