WIP Diagnostic: Is This Working? A Closer Look at Voice and Hooks in a Literary Opening

Critique by Maria D'Marco

WIP Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

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This week’s questions:

1. Does this opening work?

2. Does the voice sound unique to the reader to get hooked?

Market/Genre: Literary Fiction

On to the diagnosis…
 
Original Text:

If you lived in Scotland in the 70s and 80s, I mean Shillong, India—the Scotland of the East, you probably bumped into me (By the way it is the capital of the state of Meghalaya and not Assam because it irritates me to no end, to correct folks from the heartland of India that the region east of Calcutta is NOT Assam!).

You know we have a character of our own and we are not a smorgasbord of identities all squished into one glob of white limestone or cement. We are a cloud adrift over a land of turbulence. We are the youngest, prettiest, proudest sister out of all the Seven Sisters of the Northeast and we are not ashamed to say that. We have the most breath-taking waterfalls, highest rainfall, rarest orchids, serene lakes surrounded by rolling hills, best Chinese food anywhere in the world and don’t forget we are the most romantic town in India. And there is one more secret. The women here rule the household because we are the only matriarchal society in the world. And so, if you are a guy and decide to fall in love with a beautiful Khasi lady in her traditional jainsem and decide to marry her and her name say is Jasmine Lyngdoh and your name is XY then your name will change to Mr. X Lyngdoh. Yes, and we would like to keep that way.

Back to my story. I was kind of famous, famous in a unique way. The only known South Indian Malayalee in town. We were lumped together into one ethnicity called the Madrasis even us who come from state of Kerala. A minority in a minority state. The tall, dark and handsome kid on the block. Now wait. If I said that I will be lying. The truth is I am dark skinned, of medium height, have a mop of black curly hair that resembles an Afro, a pair of John Lennon glasses and I am a gonk.

My Thoughts in Blue:

If you lived in Scotland in the 70s and 80s, I mean Shillong, India—the Scotland of the East, you probably bumped into me (By the way, it is the capital of the state of Meghalaya and not Assam because it irritates me to no end to correct folks from the heartland of India that the region east of Calcutta is NOT Assam!).

You know we [this is referencing all the Shillong-ites, right?] have a character of our own and we are not a smorgasbord of identities all squished into one [is this red because this is the first chapter? Will subsequent chapters have their number in red as well?] glob of white limestone or cement. We are a cloud adrift [my search reveals that Meghalaya means ‘the adobe of clouds’, so nicely done here.] over a land of turbulence. We are the youngest, prettiest, proudest sister out of all the Seven Sisters of the Northeast, and we are not ashamed to say that. We have the most breath-taking waterfalls, highest rainfall, rarest orchids, serene lakes [most serene? this needs a descriptor to keep the ‘best’ ‘highest’ etc. going] surrounded by rolling hills, best Chinese food anywhere in the world and don’t forget [this is where I decided the narrator is drunk] we are the most romantic town in India. And there is one more secret. [no previous secrets have been revealed, so –] The women here rule the household because we are the only matriarchal society in the world. [this, of course, isn’t true, it’s one of six in the world.] And so, if you are a guy and decide to fall in love with a beautiful Khasi lady in her traditional jainsem and decide to marry her and her name say is Jasmine Lyngdoh and your name is XY, then your name will change to Mr. X Lyngdoh. Yes, and we would like to keep that way.

Back to my story. [no story has been started – yet – now, if he began a tale at the outset, which then devolved into the drunken travelogue…] I was kind of famous, famous in a unique way. [this interests me…] The only known South Indian Malayalee [continuing my Googles, the info actually gave great insight into this character] in town. We were lumped together into one ethnicity called the Madrasis, even us who come from state of Kerala. A minority in a minority state. [this is fun and I’m grinning at this character’s humor] The tall, dark and handsome kid on the block. Now, wait. If I said that I will be lying. The truth is I am dark skinned, of medium height, have a mop of black curly hair that resembles an Afro, a pair of John Lennon glasses, and I am a gonk. [bingo! I learned this word from one of my Oz authors, so enjoy being validated that I guessed the narrator is blotto.] *grin*

The Questions:

1. Does this opening work?

In a way, yes… I had fun with the eight searches I did to ensure I would get the full information being expressed – the culture, etc. that was important to the strength of the material.

As mentioned, this is not a story—yet—but getting to know the character was interesting. I might want to know more about (assumed) him, but my interest is mostly driven by my usual interest in other cultures. All the searches allowed me to gather information that not only colored the material more deeply, but also relaxed me because your references were all on the nose. This is akin to my reading historical fiction that is packed with excellent research.

With literary fiction, I give an author more time to begin the story, unfold a character or location, and set up the whole journey. So far, the ‘story’ is a drunk guy who has a story to tell—once he gets all the expansive chatter out of the way. That chatter is important though, as it sets up a lot of things that squarely plant the reader in the locale and culture, as well as providing a strong connection to this character. I’d like to know his name, also.

(Here’s more with Have You Met Ted? Introducing Characters)

I assumed that this person lived in Shillong when he was younger, but don’t know if this book is set in contemporary times or if the 60s and 70s were just last year. My impression is that this is someone younger, relating a tale of teen or 20s years; however, he also might be a drunk older guy who lives in the past and latches onto the new person at the local bar to retell that past.

What you’ve given us is more like a sketch and many readers may tolerate that, hoping to learn more about the narrator/protagonist and his situation, but others may not get enough out of this to read on.

I view literary works as having one of my crazed architect friends explaining multiple blueprints and how they all relate. It’s usually a long story that has many, many layers and, in the end, I have an incredibly detailed vision of their building—which I may never get out of my head. *grin* This, for you, can mean that you can write a story that can bring readers to tears, anger, joy and even epiphany, if you can continue to make learning about a character to be the equivalent of soaking in a hot bath on a cold day. The mind relaxes. The quirks of the story rest on the quirks of each character, and readers don’t mind floating along on the current you create.

I would give you another page or two to give me the opening to the story… I’m not hooked, but I like this character well enough to give you a chance to do so.

(Here’s more with How to Ground (and Hook) Readers in Your Opening Scene)

2. Does the voice sound unique to the reader to get hooked?

Hmmm – well, as mentioned above, I’m not really hooked, but I am curious. The voice is not unique, to me anyway. I’ve known people that communicated like this, especially when potted. This means that I identified with the character fairly quickly, decided he was drunk fairly quickly, and his talk wasn’t off-putting to me. All good things, just not enough for him to be ‘unique’ of voice.

However! What he spoke about was unique, and the strong feeling of humor was fun. I related his way of talking to an old oddball friend who is always a ‘happy’ drunk and tends to be very grand (think karaoke). I felt comfortable with this character. This is good and not good. My ‘view’ of this character, how you want me to see this character, might be too affected by my natural relating via my old friend. In other words, it could be more difficult to get me to see this character in the way I need to, for the sake of the story.

I did feel the voice was consistent and any missteps (notes in the material) were spot on with the disjointed discourse of a tipsy person. However, notes were made to point out the potential for irritating readers or simply making things confusing.

The voice works, but you’re asking it to carry a huge load—the material needs to be anchored/grounded to give it more depth. I missed no sensations, sounds, situational info, etc. The voice is there, the personality is clear, but at this point is just someone floating in space, so he can’t be held onto—which means he can be let go of really easily.

(Here’s more with How to Find Your Character's Voice)

This story would interest me because of the culture it lives within, but I need to know who this drunk guy is…

Lots of room to frame this scene. Like a painter, just give us some broad strokes so we can have a bit of perspective and have the fun of visualizing him.

Good luck and come back after you play with this!

Thanks to our brave volunteer for submitting this for me to play with. I hope they–and others–find it helpful. I don’t do a full critique on these, (just as it pertains to the questions) and I encourage you to comment and make suggestions of your own. Just remember that these pieces are works in progress (many by new writers), not polished drafts, so be nice and offer constructive feedback.

About the Critiquer

Maria D’Marco is an editor with 20+ years experience. She specializes in developmental editing, and loves the process of wading through the raw, passionate words of a first draft. Currently based in Kansas City, she flirts with the idea of going mobile, pursuing her own writing and love of photography, while maintaining her fulfilling work with authors.

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