WIP Diagnostic: Is This Working? A Closer Look at a Historical YA Opening

Critique By Maria D'Marco

WIP Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and we diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

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Submissions currently in the queue: Two

Please Note: As of today, critique slots are booked through April 18.

This week’s question:

Is this working?

Market/Genre: Young Adult

On to the diagnosis…

Original Text:

Background: This first chapter is a story set in 1960 -1961 era, about a fourth grade teacher in a poverty ridden small southern town. She refuses to teach children who is not within her ‘social status’. The first part describes her social status and establishes how important she thinks she and her husband are in the town. It also reveals the reasoning behind her refusal to teach the under-privileged children. The second chapter goes straight to the un-lucky boy placed in her classroom.

Mr. and Mrs. Whitherspoon were proud to say they were among society’s social elite of a tiny southern town in North West Georgia called Summerville. Mr. Whitherspoon was a respected defense lawyer within the community and would go so far as to say he was as famous as his colleague and very close friend, Defense attorney Bobby Lee Cook. Although many of Whitherspoon’s friends certainly thought the subject was debatable.

Charles Whitherspoon, a short, beefy, neckless man with a walrus-like, thick grey mustache and a shiny bald head, was quite the opposite of his wife, Bertha, a fourth-grade teacher. She was tall with a pencil-straight figure, horse-faced and bony, beady black eyes, and thin straight lips. She wore her salt and pepper hair in a tight bun atop her head. She had a beak nose and nearly twice the usual amount of neck of an average person, which comes in quite handy since it’s her habit of looking down on the people around her. The image of Olive Oyl and Wimpy from the popular Popeye cartoon was usually the first impression one had when meeting the couple for the first time. Some would say if the two hadn’t met, they’d have led a lonely life.

The Whitherspoons had everything they ever wanted and then some. Flaunting their wealth in the small mill town, especially in front of those less fortunate than them, was one of the couple’s favorite pastimes. Charles deliberately flashed large wads of cash while paying for small items in the Southern 5 & Dime or the McGinnis Drug store, the State Restaurant, the M & M Restaurant, or several of the many retail stores downtown.

The couple lived in a stately two-story, red-brick house on Cherry Hill Estate Road. A black wrought-iron fence surrounds the immaculately manicured lawn, which was dotted here and there with several large water oaks, and red and yellow maple trees.

My Thoughts in Blue:

Mr. and Mrs. Whitherspoon were proud to say they were among society’s [a bit word soupish here…can we present the same idea more concisely?] social elite of Summerville, a tiny southern [don’t need this, as Georgia = ‘southern’] town in North West Georgia called Summerville. [used the name twice in one sentence] Mr. Whitherspoon was a respected defense lawyer within the community and would go so far as to say he was as famous as his colleague and very close friend, Defense attorney Bobby Lee Cook. Although many of Whitherspoon’s friends certainly thought the subject was debatable.

Charles Whitherspoon, a short, beefy, neckless man with a walrus-like, thick grey mustache and a shiny bald head, [put this description with his profession and enrich the image] was quite the opposite of his wife, Bertha, a fourth-grade teacher. She was tall with a pencil-straight figure, horse-faced and bony, beady black eyes, and thin straight lips. She wore her salt and pepper hair in a tight bun atop her head. She had a beak nose and nearly twice the usual amount of neck of an average person, [this needs to be shortened, the rest can be inserted later, when meeting the protagonist?] which comes [came] in quite handy since it’s [it was] her habit of looking down on the people around her. [this made me grin, nice projection of personality into physical] The image of Olive Oyl and Wimpy from the popular Popeye cartoon was usually the first impression one had when meeting the couple for the first time. [another smile – wonder if all readers will get this reference] Some would say if the two hadn’t met, they’d have led a lonely life. [I like this line, it’s an old one, but adds folksy tone – is that what you want?]

The Whitherspoons had everything they ever wanted and then some. Flaunting their wealth in the small mill town, especially in front of those less fortunate than them, was one of the couple’s favorite pastimes. Charles deliberately flashed large wads of cash while paying for small items in the Southern 5 & Dime or the McGinnis Drug store, the State Restaurant, the M & M Restaurant, or several of the many retail stores downtown. [this is more than needed – a generalization won’t bury the point here]

The couple lived in a stately two-story, red-brick house on Cherry Hill Estate Road. A black wrought-iron fence surrounds [surrounded] the immaculately manicured lawn, which was dotted here and there with several large water oaks, and red and yellow maple trees. [this description can’t be used by the reader to enhance any storyline, take it out and nothing changes, nothing is lost]

The Question:

1. Does this opening work?

Sort of… (readers please let us know your thoughts!)

It depends on your intentions here or what you wanted to accomplish. Right now, you have the introduction of two characters and their backstory. Not the beginning of a story… I view all of this as material that could be woven into the body of the story, after the protagonist is presented and before the conflict and hook are encountered.

I might read past all this in search of the protagonist and the story, which your notes advise happens in the second chapter.

If you want to open with backstory, then I suggest presenting it in a crisp, tight way using strong, stark information that lays a dramatic groundwork for the introduction of the protagonist. This might be half or even a third of the current word count.

(Here's more on Sprinkling Seeds of Backstory: How This Writing Faux Pas Can Work In Your Story)

Consider crafting very sharp caricatures of these two characters that point to their built-in intractabilities and potential as aggressors. Create descriptions that aren’t just physical, but that present the prickly personality parts of each character. Create reader perceptions that point to trouble or danger.

When you don’t have a conflict or hook to give, draw a picture of people who are always looking for a fight or hold impossibly wrong ideas that simply must create problems. These are people who will create conflict wherever they go and with anyone they encounter.

Setting up characters in this way, briefly and sharply, creates sympathy for the protagonist before he/she is even on the page. You have created a world where the reader is already sorry for anyone who has to deal with these creeps.

(Here's more on Whose Head is it Anyway? Understanding Omniscient Point of View)

The success of this kind of opening will depend on how much time the reader has to spend with it, and then how and when you introduce the protagonist. You can shock the reader initially with these two characters, then introduce the protagonist, who lives in dread because the teacher’s reputation has preceded his encounter with her, as quickly as possible. Readers make a quick judgement of the teacher, you have sparked sympathy for the unknown but inevitable protagonist, and then you offer up the innocent, impoverished boy as the protagonist.

With the distant narrator, this is all essentially told, so that telling needs to be brief as possible, like a very sharp rap between the reader’s eyes. Then a mental leap to the protagonist – the lamb to the slaughter – and an instinctive reaction to protect the protagonist or at least wince at the anticipated torment.

(Here's more on What You Need to Know About Show, Don't Tell)

Since we don’t have a close POV here, showing becomes difficult, but not impossible. You can describe general actions of the teacher that show her disregard for others or her predisposition to certain values. Don’t just tell the reader she’s disgusting, show some of the things that make her disgusting. Build some tangibles about her personality that readers can use to build images and impressions of the character.

Re-reading this several times, I couldn’t shake the feeling that this was set in 1860, not 1960, as you indicated in your brief with the material. I see no hints of that decade that ground the story. Also, the distant POV contributes to a more formal feeling, as in another era of formality. After all, 1960 is only 60 years back, and the culture of that era is still regularly circulated via TV reruns and comic references, at the least.

(Here's more on One Common Way Writers Weaken Their Descriptions)

I can see potential here, in these two characters, and how they will shape the upcoming story. However, you see that I say ‘upcoming story’… The story has not yet begun. You can create abrupt portraits of these two characters that shoves the reader face-to-face with them and their role in the story as conflict creators, but brevity would be necessary.

There seem to be several ways into this story, including the boring path of introducing the protagonist first. The issue for me is that I have no idea what the story will be about, so am just grasping at the idea of the teacher being the epicenter of terrible things. If this is a ‘school’ drama YA story, then Mrs. Whitherspoon could be used as the primary antagonist.

Overall you have at least two characters that live in your imagination and can be well portrayed for the story. I do find it interesting that in your notes you don’t mention the presumed protagonist’s name – the impoverished boy student who is everything Mrs. Whitherspoon hates. You need to be aware that at present, the teacher is being spotlighted instead of the protagonist.

Lots to work with here – experiment with openings and make the decision on who is most important in the story and how you can immediately introduce that character to the reader.

Good luck!!

Thanks to our brave volunteer for submitting this for me to play with. I hope they–and others–find it helpful. I don’t do a full critique on these, (just as it pertains to the questions) and I encourage you to comment and make suggestions of your own. Just remember that these pieces are works in progress (many by new writers), not polished drafts, so be nice and offer constructive feedback.

About the Critiquer

Maria D’Marco is an editor with 20+ years experience. She specializes in developmental editing, and loves the process of wading through the raw, passionate words of a first draft. Currently based in Kansas City, she flirts with the idea of going mobile, pursuing her own writing and love of photography, while maintaining her fulfilling work with authors.

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