Real Life Diagnostics: Using Unconventional Pronouns. Does This Work?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

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This week’s questions:

I'm trying to do two things here: first, establish the setting where the characters are and the setting where they recently were—it's a portal fantasy, you see. Am I establishing the settings and genre coherently and as intended?

Second, and this is the one I'm more worried about, is establish pronouns. As my fantasyland's three big gender categories do not map well to the modern USA's two big gender categories, I want to use the fantasyland pronoun sets for the protagonists and the fantasyland characters. (People who have never been to the fantasyland will still use whichever English pronoun set as appropriate.) What am I conveying about the protagonists' respective genders in this scene, or am I just confusing my audience? Further, with the a/tas/tan set, there's potential confusion between 'a' the fantasyland pronoun and 'a' the English article. Do I need to adjust that pronoun set to eliminate the confusion, or does context make things sufficiently clear? ("tas" rhymes with "mass", "tēn" rhymes with "main".)

Market/Genre: Fantasy

On to the diagnosis…

Original text:

Zoē jogged up to tas parents' house on short preteen legs, water bottle thumping against tas denim-covered hip. A paused in the shade of the dogwood tree to wipe itchy sweat from tas face, straighten tas glasses and flyaway hair, and breathe the marginally cooler-seeming air.

Eirēnē, leaning on the shady side of the trunk, looked up at tan in silence. A basket of colored pencils and printer paper sat beside tēn, a large hardcover children's book sitting in the grass leaning on the basket. Tēs empty fingers twisted around one another restlessly.

"Obol for your thoughts," Zoē said, and gulped down some water.

Eirēnē laughed sourly. "Save it for the ferryman."

Zoē started walking around the tree, in and out of the long shadow cast by the late-summer evening sun. Though fear shrilled in tas ears, twelve years' experience told tan the cool-down phase of exercise wasn't optional. "The ferry won't take you home."

"I know." Eirēnē stared down the street, fingers still twisting into frustrated white knots. "The Asphodel Fields sound as boring as here anyway."

Zoē planned a quick prayer in tas head, then stopped in the shade. "Wise Owl," a said, "Who strikes prey with swiftness and silence—if You can hear me this far from home, please hear my prayer. My sister needs your guidance." A paused, admitted, "I need your guidance." Spilling water on the grass at tas feet, a finished, "Far-sighted Owl, help us."

"Not worried about Mom or Dad hearing you?" ē asked, while Zoē took another drink.

My Thoughts in Purple:

[Zoē] To me, this is a female name so I associate it with being female. Yet you use “tas” as a pronoun, which feels more a take on “his,” which suggests male jogged up to [tas parents' house] without context, this doesn’t feel like a pronoun to me on short preteen legs, water bottle thumping against tas denim-covered hip. A paused in the shade of the dogwood tree to wipe itchy sweat from tas face, straighten tas glasses and [flyaway hair,] this is a detail that could further reinforce gender, yet it’s vague and breathe the marginally cooler-seeming air.

[Eirēnē,] This feels male to me, though the art details in this paragraph suggest emale leaning on the shady side of the trunk, looked up at tan in silence. A basket of colored pencils and printer paper sat beside tēn, a large hardcover children's book sitting in the grass leaning on the basket. Tēs empty fingers twisted around one another restlessly.

"Obol for your thoughts," Zoē said, and gulped down some water.

Eirēnē laughed sourly. "Save it for the ferryman."

Zoē started walking around the tree, in and out of the long shadow cast by the late-summer evening sun. Though fear shrilled in tas ears, twelve years' experience told tan the cool-down phase of exercise wasn't optional. ["The ferry won't take you home."

"I know." Eirēnē stared down the street, fingers still twisting into frustrated white knots. "The Asphodel Fields sound as boring as here anyway."] It’s a bit of a struggle to understand what they’re talking about

Zoē planned a quick prayer in tas head, then stopped in the shade. "Wise Owl," a said, "Who strikes prey with swiftness and silence—if You can hear me this far from home, please hear my prayer. My [sister] perhaps put this earlier to establish gender right away? needs your guidance." A paused, admitted, "I need your guidance." Spilling water on the grass at tas feet, a finished, "Far-sighted Owl, help us." I’m a little lost about the prayer

"Not worried about Mom or Dad hearing you?" [ē] since both the pronouns and the names use this letter, I’m unsure what this means asked, while Zoē took another drink.

The questions:

1. Am I establishing the settings and genre coherently and as intended?

Not yet. Very few of the details suggest a fantasy setting, and I don’t get any sense of a portal here (though that might not have appeared yet). It’s two kids hanging outside the house talking about things I don’t understand. Since it felt “normal,” what they were talking about didn’t make sense to me because I wanted to put it in context that I understood.

Pair that with the unusual pronouns, and I was struggling to figure out what I was reading. Having to parse unusual pronouns and figure out the world at the same time was just too much for me (readers chime in here).

It also felt very distant and detached, with no internalization or any inside glimpse into a character to help ground me in this world and these characters, so I felt very outside looking in with little to clue me in on what I was looking at.

It’s hard to suggest what to do here, because if your world is indeed set in a version of modern day, you wouldn’t have those fantasy details. If they’re in the real world now, but weren’t before, perhaps have them talk about that, or remember it, or refer to it in someway that lets readers know there are two worlds.

2. What am I conveying about the protagonists' respective genders in this scene, or am I just confusing my audience? Further, with the a/tas/tan set, there's potential confusion between 'a' the fantasyland pronoun and 'a' the English article. Do I need to adjust that pronoun set to eliminate the confusion, or does context make things sufficiently clear?

I struggled with this for several reasons (readers chime in). The names didn’t fit with the gender roles those names are typically associated with. I don’t know if Zoē is male or female or your third gender. The name is female to me, yet the pronoun used made me think “his.” The behavior also felt more masculine, and none of the description details were clear on which gender Zoē was.

The name Eirēnē felt male to me, and later turned out to be female (or so “sister” would suggest). The art details suggested female as well, but pronouns changed so it felt like a different gender from Zoē, who I pictured as female, even if she was a tomboy.

The ē in both the names and the pronouns was an additional hurdle for me, and I kept trying to figure out how they related. Zoe and Eirene work as names, so if they had the ē in them, it must mean something, especially since the pronouns also used them.

The ‘a’ as a pronoun was also very confusing. I kept thinking what came after it was a typo.

The pronouns themselves were problematic for me, because I couldn’t relate them to anything I knew to help ground me and identify gender. Using established pronouns as a base, I was looking for ways “his” and “her” correlated to the pronouns here, but they didn’t seem to work that way. Since “tas” felt like “his,” I designated that as male in my mind, and then was immediately confused because I tagged Zoē as a female name. Yet the details and behavior felt male, which confused me even further.

If I take your paragraph and swap out the pronouns for what I thought they were, I get this:

Zoē jogged up to his parents' house on short preteen legs, water bottle thumping against his denim-covered hip. He paused in the shade of the dogwood tree to wipe itchy sweat from his face, straighten his glasses and flyaway hair, and breathe the marginally cooler-seeming air.

Eirēnē, leaning on the shady side of the trunk, looked up at him in silence. A basket of colored pencils and printer paper sat beside her, a large hardcover children's book sitting in the grass leaning on the basket. Her? empty fingers twisted around one another restlessly.

Tēn and Tēs are used like they’re the same pronoun, but they’re spelled differently, so I’m not sure what they refer to. I never realized A was a pronoun until I’d read it multiple times. So then I wondered if “A basket” was supposed to be “Her basket,” which would work grammatically, though it didn’t track with any of the other pronouns, and would have three words that all meant “her,” which didn’t seem right.

And lastly, there’s nothing here to suggest there are three genders, so unless I knew that going in (which I might from the cover copy), I don’t know to look for unusual pronouns and what they mean.

I think you might want to consider adjusting your pronouns to help readers understand them better and make it easier for them to get onboard with this world. I’d suggest not using “a” as a pronoun, because no reader is going to think “pronoun” when thy see it, so every time it appears it will stop them and force them to decide how it’s being used.

I’d also consider pronouns that feel closer to what we already have, so the jump from “his” to “YY” and “her” to “XX” is easier to make. If they resemble each other, readers will be able to pick up on the changes without as much trouble. I’d also suggest names that are more gender identifying as well, to help readers make the transition. “Genderless” names could be another way to signify the third gender. I’d also look for ways to establish a third gender right away so readers know it’s there, and there’s a reason for all the strange pronouns.

Cliches and stereotypes are usually things to avoid, but in this case, you might be able to use them to covey more information more quickly (like you did with the art supplies for a female gender). They could be a useful tool to get certain concepts across, though be wary about relying on them too much. But a little here and there could help set the right images in readers’ minds.

Overall, I applaud you for trying something so ambitious and unusual, and if you find a way to make it work, it could be amazing. I think clarity is going to be key in getting this to work as you intend. You’ll have to very careful lead readers through the setup phase of this story, and break a few “rules” to make sure they can keep up with you. You might need to tell a bit, or do more infodumping to get these concepts across. Your characters and internalization will help there to keep this from feeling told, so use those to your advantage.

Thanks to our brave volunteer for submitting this for me to play with. I hope they–and others–find it helpful. I don’t do a full critique on these, (just as it pertains to the questions) and I encourage you to comment and make suggestions of your own. Just remember that these pieces are works in progress (many by new writers), not polished drafts, so be nice and offer constructive feedback.