Real Life Diagnostics: Establishing World and Mystery in a YA Opening Scene

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, please check out these guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Five 

Please Note: As of today, RLD slots are booked through September 5.

This week’s questions:

1.Does this work as an opening?

2.Do you start to get a sense of the protagonist's voice and of the relationship between the two boys?

3. Am I trying to establish too much (ghost, small people in a forest, their relationship, and the problem) for an effective beginning. I don't want to confuse the reader but I do want to start at an interesting point without having to explain everything.

Market/Genre: YA fantasy

On to the diagnosis…

Original text:

The ghost was back. It coiled through the trees like a wisp of smoke. Lando gritted his teeth and refused to look. Ignore it and maybe a cold gust of wind would waft the creepy old thing away.

He shivered and tightened his grip on his spear. Layers of rabbit wool and his thick mouse-skin jacket kept him warm enough, but a chill ran down his spine all the same. He scanned the lattice of bare branches far overhead. Nothing there . . . maybe it was gone.

As usual, Ari didn’t see it. He pushed past Lando and forged ahead. The adults back at TreeHome, even Ari’s own father, said that the two boys should take turns in front. But Ari seemed to think that he should always be the one in the lead--just because he was a year older. Lando stopped to adjust the straps of his heavy pack.

“C’mon, Lando, keep up. Let’s get this grain home before dark.” Ari edged around a clump of withered ferns. Lando followed him. A beetle was lying on its back on a patch of half-frozen ground, its thin legs churning sluggishly. It was a big one, longer than his arm. Silly thing must have been fooled by the false spring. Last week’s sunshine had tempted it to emerge from its winter hidey-hole and now it was helpless and freezing.

“The ghost is following us again.” Lando flipped the beetle over and crouched down to watch it scuttle under the bark of a rotting log.

“You and your dumb ghost,” Ari said. He looked back over his shoulder. “And stop rescuing beetles. Watch for weasels or ravens, instead.”

“It’s real, Ari.”

Ari stopped, then turned around and glared at him from under his thick, black eyebrows. “There’s no such thing as ghosts.”

My Thoughts in Purple:

[The ghost was back.] Intriguing opening line It coiled through the trees like a wisp of smoke. Lando gritted his teeth and refused to look. Ignore it and maybe a cold gust of wind would waft the creepy old thing away.

He shivered and tightened his grip on his spear. Layers of rabbit wool and his thick mouse-skin jacket kept him warm enough, but a chill ran down his spine all the [same.] I wanted personal something from Lando here, a thought or reaction He scanned the lattice of bare branches far overhead. Nothing there . . . maybe it was gone.

As usual, Ari didn’t see it. He pushed past Lando and forged ahead. [The adults back at TreeHome, even Ari’s own father, said that the two boys should take turns in front. But] This feels a little info-y, so perhaps rephrase more in Lando’s voice Ari seemed to think that he should always be the one in the lead--just because he was a year older. Lando stopped to adjust the straps of his heavy [pack.] This feels like a good potential spot for a thought aimed at Ari.

“C’mon, Lando, keep up. Let’s get this grain home before dark.” Any response to this? Lando’s been silent so far

Ari edged around a clump of withered ferns. Lando followed him. A beetle was lying on its back on a patch of half-frozen ground, its thin legs churning sluggishly. It was a big one, longer than his arm. Silly thing must have been fooled by the false spring. Last week’s sunshine had tempted it to emerge from its winter hidey-hole and now it was helpless and freezing. I like this since it helps show scale and character, but perhaps have this the reason Lando stops and Ari tells him they need to keep moving? It feels a little stuck in otherwise

“The ghost is following us again.” Why does he pick now to say something vs back when he first sees it? Lando flipped the beetle over and crouched down to watch it scuttle under the bark of a rotting log.

“You and your dumb ghost,” Ari said. He looked back over his shoulder. “And stop rescuing beetles. Watch for weasels or ravens, instead.”

“It’s real, Ari.”

Ari stopped, then turned around and glared at him from under his thick, black eyebrows. “There’s no such thing as ghosts.”

The questions:

1.Does this work as an opening?

Pretty close. I’m intrigued, and I’d read on a little more to see if it fully hooked me. What’s holding me back is a lack of urgency or sense that something is about to happen. The ghost is interesting (and I love the “was” back, as this suggests he’s seen it before), but I don’t feel that it’s a threat or problem to them yet, so there’s nothing at stake in the scene.

“What is the ghost?” is a good story question, but oddly not hooking me as much as I’d expect it too (readers chime in here, as this could be just me). A little more to create mystery or show a potential problem would probably draw me right in. How does Lando feel about the ghost? Is he scared? He shivers, but it could be due to the cold, not fear. Is he worried about the ghost and what it might do?

How Lando answers Ari’s question could fix this, though, so see how your beta readers feel.

(Here’s more on writing the opening scene)

2. Do you start to get a sense of the protagonist's voice and of the relationship between the two boys?

Yes. I like Lando, he seems quiet and contemplative, and annoyed by an older “friend” (I’m not sure if they’re actually friends or not, which is interesting and gives me something to wonder about and discover). I see he’s a good guy when he helps the beetle, and that makes me like him.

There was one section that felt a little info-y when he talks about TreeHome and the adults, but a little editing would put that right back in Lando’s voice. This might be a good place to mention any conflict or problems they’re facing (if it fits of course).

There were a few other places I thought might be good spots for internal thought from Lando, so perhaps add a little more from him to really show his character. I wanted to see some reactions from him over things Ari said to get a better feel for his personality. A few more thoughts would also give you an opportunity to raise the emotional level a bit which would help draw readers in.

(Here’s more on internalization and third person)

3. Am I trying to establish too much (ghost, small people in a forest, their relationship, and the problem) for an effective beginning. I don't want to confuse the reader but I do want to start at an interesting point without having to explain everything.

I don’t think so, though I’m not yet sure what the problem is (which is probably that “something” keeping me from being fully hooked). The ghost idea fits fine with them being out getting grain, their relationship is established as they interact, the sense of small people is coming through for me (readers chime in here, as I have read this before so I knew that going in). It’s all working together nicely.

What problem do they face? Nothing seems to be keeping them from anything. You might look for ways to slip that in so readers are clear about what they’re trying to do.

Good news is, I don’t think adding that will overload readers or be too much for the scene. What you want to establish all works wells together to layer the scene and offer multiple ways to convey setting, character, and plot. It’ll probably wind up being the glue that holds it all together and really piques reader curiosity.

(Here’s more on establishing your setting)

Overall, this is a strong revision and I think a few minor tweaks will get this where you want it to be. Just strengthen that missing sense of a problem/goal and this should hook readers nicely.

Thanks to our brave volunteer for submitting this for me to play with. I hope they–and others–find it helpful. I don’t do a full critique on these, (just as it pertains to the questions) and I encourage you to comment and make suggestions of your own. Just remember that these pieces are works in progress, not polished drafts, so be nice and offer constructive feedback.