Real Life Diagnostics: Let Me Tell You What I Think: Too Much Interior Monologue?

Critique by Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, check out the page for guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Three

This week’s question:

Is it too telling? Most of this is interior monologue, and I'm afraid it's too much.

Market/Genre: YA Fantasy (Retelling of a fairy tale)

On to the diagnosis…

Original text:
Elise lives in a country that has just barely survived the bloody War Against the Witches. All her life, she's been told to stay away from the witches and follow three rules: One must fear the witches. One mustn’t associate with the witches. And one must never, ever cross the witches. Now her father is marrying one, and every single rule Elise has followed is shattered.

Father is breaking the rules.

That’s the only thing I can think about all through the wedding. As the minister binds them together with pretty vows that can’t – can’t – mean a single thing, I have to look away. And when they are pronounced man and wife, I pick up my skirts and flee from the room.

How can I watch my father wed a witch?

I’m well aware of the thousands of eyes watching me and the thousands of mouths proclaiming I disgrace the royal family, but I don’t care. They don’t understand. All they see are Odette’s golden eyes and her dark hair and her flawless alabaster skin. They see her beauty and the false smile dancing on her lips as she looks up into Father’s eyes. They coo with appreciation as they watch their king take on a new bride, while all I want to do is retreat to my chambers and vomit.

And I do. Retreat to my chambers, that is. I was too revolted to eat anything today, so vomiting is out of the question.

I throw my things on the ground and watch them shatter to a thousand tiny, broken pieces. It feels good, though I know Father would kill me if he knew that I was destroying palace property.

I used to think that Father personified wisdom, with his gray beard and his easy smiles. Not anymore. Now all I see his is newly dead eyes and the disgusting looks of pure adoration he throws at her. At a witch.

My Thoughts in Purple:
Elise lives in a country that has just barely survived the bloody War Against the Witches. All her life, she's been told to stay away from the witches and follow three rules: One must fear the witches. One mustn’t associate with the witches. And one must never, ever cross the witches. Now her father is marrying one, and every single rule Elise has followed is shattered. I love that the submitter added this blurb. Not everyone provides context (they don't have to) and this was perfect.

Father is breaking the rules.

That’s the only thing I can think about all through the wedding. As the minister binds them together with pretty vows that can’t – can’t – mean a single thing, I have to look away. And when they are pronounced man and wife, I pick up my skirts and flee from the room.

How can I watch my father wed a witch?

I’m well aware of the thousands of eyes watching me and the thousands of mouths proclaiming [I disgrace the royal family,] Love this, as I had no idea she was royal until now, and that sheds new light on what's happening. A political peace-bringing wedding perhaps? Intriguing but I don’t care. They don’t understand. All they see are Odette’s golden eyes and her dark hair and her flawless alabaster skin. They see her beauty and the false smile dancing on her lips as she looks up into Father’s eyes. They coo with appreciation as they watch their king take on a new bride, while all I want to do is retreat to my chambers and vomit.

And I do. Retreat to my chambers, that is. I was too revolted to eat anything today, so vomiting is out of the question. At this point I did feel that I wanted something more than internalization to occur. Perhaps have her speak to someone, or do something active, even if it's only a line or two. (Like she enters her chambers and slams the door vs saying she retreats there)

I throw my things on the ground and [watch them shatter] This feels a tad told to a thousand tiny, broken pieces. It feels good, though I know Father would kill me if he knew that I was [destroying palace property.] Intriguing. She doesn't think of it as hers, but the palace's.

I used to think that Father personified wisdom, with his gray beard and his easy smiles. Not anymore. Now all I see his is newly dead eyes and the disgusting looks of pure adoration he throws at her. At a witch. If this goes into dialog and action from here, you'd probably be okay. Though this is a great spot for her to react by throwing or smashing things. You might consider swapping this with the previous paragraph and see how it flows. Show her anger and frustration in how she shatters her things.

The question:
Is it too telling?
Nope. Toward the end I did want a little action or dialog to break up the internalization (readers chime in here), but I felt in her head and in her POV. It was her voice all the way through. If this is all the monologue you have and it gets out of her head after this, you're probably fine. If she continues on in her head, I'd suggest mixing it up some more.

You really don't need much to give that sense of movement and showing. A few lines of dialog here and there, some physical action. I've personally found that when you get to good hook line enders, those are natural breaks to switch to dialog or action. For example:

I was too revolted to eat anything today, so vomiting is out of the question.

This is funny, in a sad, sympathetic way. And it feels like the end of a thought, so it's a great spot to transition out of her head. Same here:

Now all I see his is newly dead eyes and the disgusting looks of pure adoration he throws at her. At a witch.

Great reaction spot to show the emotions she's been thinking about so far. Especially since she gets physical and breaks things. "At a witch" really felt like a "last straw" thought to me. I can easily see her losing it here and smashing something.

Overall, this was well written and intriguing. I'd read on for sure.

Thanks to our brave volunteer for submitting this for me to play with. I hope they–and others–find it helpful. I don’t do a full critique on these, (just as it pertains to the questions) and I encourage you to comment and make suggestions of your own. Just remember that these pieces are works in progress, not polished drafts, so be nice and offer constructive feedback.