Real Life Diagnostics: Girl vs Boy: Writing the Opposite Sex

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, check out the page for guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Five

This week’s questions:
(Janice here) Due to the nature of one of the questions, I'm leaving them off until the end to give the author some extra unbiased feedback. As you read this, is the narrator a girl or a boy? Why do you think so? What tips you off?

Market/Genre: Fantasy

On to the diagnosis…

Original text:
I wake early. The house is still cold, but Dad has lit the small fire of driftwood in the stove. He’s already gone to the wharves. I shiver, thinking of the cold wintry seaside and the endless line of merchant ships with cargo to be unloaded.

I swing my feet out of bed, careful not to jostle Eden who is still asleep, wincing as my bare feet touch the frosty dirt floor. I stand and shake myself. I must be wide awake this morning.

I quickly and quietly change my nightgown for a pair of trousers, a shirt, and a woolen coat. Mom would have a fit if she could see me now. I slip my soft moccasins on, sorry I can’t wear something more warm. But this morning I need to be as quiet as I can. Regular shoes are too loud against the cobble-stoned streets.

As I approach the door, my pulse pounds harder. I’ve only been caught once before, and that was because I got home late. Dad’s sad frown flashes across my mind, and I quickly push it out. It’s for the family, I tell myself. I open the door slowly, clenching my teeth as the old hinges groan.

The cold air hits me like a kick in the gut. I look over my shoulder at Eden, curled up in a warm bundle in the bed. Lucian’s snore drifts from the upstairs room. They will sleep for a few more hours. I don’t have much time. I slip out into the cold, and tuck my long braids into Lucian’s worn cap. If anyone sees me, it’s best they think I’m a boy.

It’s best they don’t see me at all. It would hurt Dad terribly if his child was jailed for stealing.

My Thoughts in Purple:
I wake early. The house is still cold, but Dad has lit the small fire of driftwood in the stove. He’s already gone to the wharves. [I shiver, thinking of the cold wintry seaside and the endless line of merchant ships with cargo to be unloaded.] A good spot to clarify her feelings. Is she shivering because she thinks about the cold, or does she feel sympathy for her father out in the cold?

[I swing my feet out of bed, careful not to jostle Eden who is still asleep,] This tells me she's a considerate person wincing as my bare feet touch the frosty dirt floor. I stand and shake myself. [I must be wide awake this morning.] Why? This could be a good spot to have her think a little about what she plans to do or what she's risking.

I quickly and quietly change my nightgown for a pair of trousers, a shirt, and a woolen coat. [Mom would have a fit if she could see me now.] This tells me she's doing something her mother would not approve of, but I don't yet have any idea what that is. This also feels girlish to me, worrying about mom I slip my soft moccasins on, [sorry I can’t wear something more warm. But this morning I need to be as quiet as I can.] This tells me she'll suffer discomfort to do whatever it is she's doing, which suggests it's important to her [Regular shoes are too loud against the cobble-stoned streets.] This tells me whatever she's doing requires stealth.

As I approach the door, [my pulse pounds harder.] This tells me she's scared [I’ve only been caught once before, and that was because I got home late.] This tells me she sneaks out a lot, and is pretty good at it [Dad’s sad frown flashes across my mind, and I quickly push it out. It’s for the family, I tell myself.] This tells me she's probably doing something "wrong" and feels guilty about it, but is doing it anyway because she feels her family needs her. Shows self sacrifice I open the door slowly, [clenching my teeth] This tells me she's nervous as the old hinges groan.

The cold air hits me like a kick in the gut. I look over my shoulder at Eden, curled up in a warm bundle in the bed. Lucian’s snore drifts from the upstairs room. [They will sleep for a few more hours. I don’t have much time.] This tells me she wants to get out and back before they wake, so she doesn't want them to know what she's doing. Based on what I've read so far, I guess that it's because she's a little shameful of what she's doing and doesn't want them to know what she's doing to help the family. I slip out into the cold, and [tuck my long braids into Lucian’s worn cap. If anyone sees me, it’s best they think I’m a boy.] This tells me she's a girl and wants to hide that fact.

It’s best they don’t see me at all. [It would hurt Dad terribly if his child was jailed for stealing.] This tells me what she's doing (stealing) and that she doesn't want to hurt her family by getting caught, again showing her compassion for her family. You could also say daughter here to further identify with her gender.

The questions:
When writing from the point of view of a person of the opposite sex, as a guy, is there a danger of making her less girlish and more guy-ish?
Yes. While people are people, there are certain gender traits that do tend to hold true. Mostly on how they deal with things and how the thought process works, how they react to things and what they notice.

Although this could have been a boy or a girl until then end there, I had no trouble reading it as a girl since I knew the sex beforehand. Nothing about it rang untrue to me. It'll be interesting to see what others say since I hid the sex going in. Hopefully they'll be able to give you some more feedback on that.

There are some standard guidelines on writing the opposite sex. Males tend to be problem solvers, they don't talk about/dwell on their feelings, they aren't overly chatty unless they have things to say. Females tend to be more concerned about other's feelings, relationship focused (not in a romance way, but in a "cares about people" way), more talkative about their feelings, more aware of how their actions affect others and how others see them. But none of this is set in stone.

Girls can want to solve everyone's problems just as boys can want to make sure everyone around them is happy and likes them. But if you have a boy who's always talking about how he feels and what everyone thinks about him, odds are he'll come across as girly. A girl who never thinks or cares about others feelings might come across as boyish. Oddly enough, in YA/MG, criticism about boys being girly is more common than girls being boyish. (a bit of a double standard there). The "tomboy" is acceptable, but the "girly sue" is not.

I'd suggest letting your narrator be who she is and make sure she stays true to that. If her actions all have solid reasons behind them, she'll likely turn out sounding like the girl she is (not all girls are girly, same as not all boys are boyish). Let her be her. Beta readers can help here if you have some. If not, trust your instincts and if something feels too boyish, tweak it.

Is what she's feeling or what kind of person she is coming across clearly on the page?
She seems to be a girl who cares for her family and is doing something she knows is wrong to help them. She's considerate, compassionate, and probably a bit of a good thief. She's does it often enough to have some skill at it, but still worries her family will find out, so she hasn't become jaded and cynical yet. It's not "a way of life" for her. Just a means to an end when she has no other choice.

I have no way of knowing if any of that is true, but that's the impression I get (grin). How'd I do? Readers, your thoughts about this character?

Overall, I have no problem seeing a girl here I'd read more about. She's doing something hard for the sake of her family and that's a character I can root for.

Thanks to our brave volunteer for submitting this for me to play with. I hope they–and others–find it helpful. I don’t do a full critique on these, (just as it pertains to the questions) and I encourage you to comment and make suggestions of your own. Just remember that these pieces are works in progress, not polished drafts, so be nice and offer constructive feedback.