Is This Dream On?

The last two years has been interesting. Halloween was the second anniversary of signing with my agent, and my second novel, Blue Fire, just came out. The final novel of the trilogy is with my editor, and I joke that soon I’ll technically be an unemployed author since book three fulfills my contract. Looking forward, I wonder if the next two years will be as interesting as last two.

There will certainly be differences. I won’t have that joy of having agents request my full manuscript, but I could have the excitement of editors asking for one. I won’t have the worry of “can I sell my novel?” but I will have, “can I sell this novel?” after I write something new. I’ll have the anticipation of hearing what my crit group thinks of my new manuscript versus what reviewers think of my new book. And the fear that goes with that, because that never seems to go away, even if it no longer bothers you when someone says something negative.

The last two years have been as tough as they have been wonderful. The validation of having a real life agent wanting to represent me soothed all those rejections scars and gave me a much-needed boost of confidence. But the fear of letting her down caused more than a few sleepless nights, especially during my second-book slump, when Blue Fire was an utter mess and I was sure I’d never get it right. Working with my editor and seeing how her suggestions improved my book made me want to push myself to live up to her expectations. Which only made her push me even harder.

Two years of highs. Selling The Healing Wars trilogy was a dream come true. Getting that first ARC of The Shifter. Seeing the books in the stores next to some of my favorite writers. Having actual fans email me. Going to schools and talking with students about writing and my books. Seeing a book signing poster at the bookstore with my face on it. I’d always felt like a writer, but these things made me feel like an author.

Two years of lows. The inevitable bad reviews (because not everyone likes every book). Struggling to write Blue Fire. Having my crit group tear it to pieces. Knowing they were right and being unsure how to fix it. Missing my deadline and feeling like I was letting my editor down, even though she said this was perfectly normal on a second book. The fear that I couldn’t do this now that I finally achieved my dream. The exhaustion from pushing myself harder and harder to make up for lost time.

I’m at an interesting point right now. Knowing what I know about publishing and all the work that goes into it, I can decide if I want to keep doing it. I could just walk away once my contract is done. Never submit another manuscript, say goodbye to my agent. Write for fun and not worry about sales numbers or reviews or whether if I’m doing enough marketing and promotion. I can ask myself, do I really want to be an author?

Abso-freaking-lutely.

Even though it’s sometimes hard, keeps me up at night, and stresses me out. Because that’s a small part of it, and every job has parts that make you crazy. And my day job has kept me up all night, stressed me out, and made me crazy a heck of a lot more than writing ever has.

Being an author is the best job I’ve ever had. I’m ready for the next two years.

Oh yeah, bring it on.