Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Third-Person POV Suspense Opening Work?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

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This week’s questions:

1. This is the first time I've written in 3rd person and past tense. Is it done correctly?

2. Do you get an emotional connection with the MC?

3. Does this opening work for a suspense novel?

Market/Genre: Suspense

On to the diagnosis…

Original text:

The remnants of someone else’s lunch floated around Iris’ desk, further distracting her from the pile of work she should finish before her vacation begins. A small garbage can nearby, topped with a burger wrapper and greasy french-fries prompted Iris to casually stretch her leg, moving the offensive odor. She stopped to study the heels of her black Manolo’s, wondering if closeted pregnant women were meant to wear stilts, maybe questioning why her sneaky husband lavished her with another pair.

At that moment, the natural light slowly disappeared from the doorway. She glanced over, saw her boss’ large frame fill the opening, and settled back into her chair. Iris always welcomed Giles' British humor but his furrowed brow sent off a different vibe today. He rocked on his heels, “The judge is releasing that wanker Washburn from prison.”

A flash of nervousness trickled through Iris’ fingers as she placed her pen on her desk. Had she ever seen him this ticked-off? She gestured to the only chair without stacks of client’s folders. He declined, folding his arms across his chest instead.

“The press is outside, Iris. This time, your gut instinct is completely off its trolley.” She sat straighter in her chair, stiffening with his accusation. As a doctor of social work, her job was to determine truth from fiction in criminal matters and this sometimes resulted in harsh reactions from the public. But never from her boss.

Giles pointed a finger in her direction, “If he kills again, this bloody rubbish will hit our department hard.” During the quiet moment that followed, Iris swallowed the hard lump in her throat.

She gathered her stack of documents and straightened them into a neat pile. She opened a folder, slid the papers inside, and held firm while flashing a gentle smile, “I’ll stand by my instincts. He’s taking the fall for someone else.”

And, as she folded her hands across her growing stomach, Iris thought about her husband and hoped - for once - her instincts were wrong.

My Thoughts in Purple:

The remnants of someone else’s lunch [floated around Iris’ desk,] I can’t picture what this means [further distracting] since I haven’t seen her distracted yet, this sounded odd her from the pile of work she should finish before her vacation [begins.] began A small garbage can nearby, topped with a burger wrapper and greasy french-fries [prompted Iris to casually stretch her leg,] feels told and explains her motive moving the offensive odor. She [stopped to] explains motive study the heels of her black Manolo’s, wondering if closeted pregnant women were meant to wear stilts, maybe questioning why her sneaky husband lavished her with another pair.

At that moment, the natural light slowly disappeared from the doorway. She glanced over, saw her boss’ large frame fill the opening, and settled back into her chair. Iris always welcomed Giles' British humor but his furrowed brow sent off a different vibe today. He rocked on his heels, “The judge is releasing that wanker Washburn from prison.”

A flash of nervousness trickled through Iris’ fingers [as she placed] makes it sound like she’s nervous because of the pen her pen on her desk. Had she ever seen him this ticked-off? She gestured to the only chair without stacks of client’s folders. He declined, folding his arms across his chest instead.

“The press is outside, Iris. This time, your gut instinct is completely off its trolley.” [She sat straighter in her chair, stiffening with his accusation.] These say the same thing As a doctor of social work, her job was to determine truth from fiction in criminal matters and this sometimes resulted in harsh reactions from the public. But never from her boss.

Giles pointed a finger in her direction, “If he kills again, this bloody rubbish will hit our department hard.” [During the quiet moment that followed,] feels tellish Iris swallowed the hard lump in her throat.

[She gathered her stack of documents and straightened them into a neat pile. She opened a folder, slid the papers inside, and held firm while flashing a gentle smile,] seems like a lot to do before she speaks again “I’ll stand by my instincts. He’s taking the fall for someone else.”

[And, as she] explaining folded her hands across her growing stomach, Iris thought about her husband and hoped - for once - [her instincts were wrong.] intriguing

The questions:

1. This is the first time I've written in 3rd person and past tense. Is it done correctly?

Mostly. You didn’t say what narrative distance you were aiming for, so I didn’t know if this was a tight third person or more of an omniscient third. It feels more distant to me, closer to omniscient than tight or limited third, however. Let’s dig in a little and look at the areas that felt detached or told:

The remnants of someone else’s lunch floated around Iris’ desk, further distracting her from the pile of work she should finish before her vacation began.

There’s nothing here to show or suggest she was distracted, so being “further distracted” feels like I missed a line of text. It’s also explaining that Iris is distracted, it’s not showing any signs of her being so. “Floated around her desk” is also an odd image, and I couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to be picturing here.

A small garbage can nearby, topped with a burger wrapper and greasy french-fries prompted Iris to casually stretch her leg, moving the offensive odor.

The “prompted Iris to” explains the reason why she moved her leg, though I don’t understand the connection between the trash and her casually stretching. I suspect the leftover lunch is in her trash and it’s smelling, so she pushes the garbage can away with her foot. But the focus in on her motive for acting, not on what she’s actually doing. And the words used don't mesh with what she does. A casual stretch is different from a purposeful push.

She stopped to study the heels of her black Manolo’s, wondering if closeted pregnant women were meant to wear stilts, maybe questioning why her sneaky husband lavished her with another pair.

“Stopped to study” suggests she ceased what she was doing, but she already pushed the garbage away, so there was no reason to stop. “To study” also explains her motive for stopping instead of just showing her spotting something on her shoes that drew her attention. It’s also odd why she stops to study her shoes in the first place. “Wondering, maybe questioning” also feels a little tellish, explaining that she’s thinking about these things, but never showing her doing it.

At that moment, the natural light slowly disappeared from the doorway.

“At that moment” feels outside watching the scene, not being inside Iris’s head. If this is omniscient it’s fine, but if the point of view is supposed to be tight in Iris’s head, it’s telling.

A flash of nervousness trickled through Iris’ fingers as she placed her pen on her desk.

There’s a stimulus/response snag here. “As she placed” suggests the flash of nervousness either happens at the same time she puts the pen on the desk, or as a result of putting the pen on the desk. But the reason she’s nervous has nothing to do with the pen, so the focus on the details feels off. She feels nervous because of her boss, and she sets the pen down. But since I never see her pick the pen up, and the last thing she was doing was messing with her shoes, I’m not sure where the pen came from, so there's a bit of a disconnect overall.

She sat straighter in her chair, stiffening with his accusation.

Sitting straighter in her chair is a reaction to his accusation, so “stiffening with his accusation” is a bit redundant and tellish. Perhaps try something such as, “She stiffened in her chair.” Show what she does with a word that suggest she was offended by what he said.

During the quiet moment that followed, Iris swallowed the hard lump in her throat.

“During the quiet moment that followed” draws attention to the pause where there is no action, which feels odd since it’s a normal conversation. Why mention he stopped talking if it's not unusual? It’s also telling a bit, explaining that the conversation has paused. But since there’s no dialogue, it’s clear that no one is speaking.

(Here’s more on show, don’t tell, and the things that affect it)

I suspect you’re picturing this scene unfold in your mind and describing what you see and what you know happened, so the details read correctly to you. But what’s happening, is that the action isn’t coming through and the attention is on the wrong things. The conversation is what matters, not the moments when no one is speaking. The smell of the trash bothers Iris, not the can itself. She's worried about her pregnancy, not why her husband is buying her heels.

I think you’re trying too hard to set the scene and explain what’s going on so you’re not showing what the characters are physically doing. Now that you know what happens, try revising this to show what they do, say, and think, and cutting out everything that explains motive.

(Here’s more on getting what’s in your head onto the page)

2. Do you get an emotional connection with the MC?

No, but I rarely do with a distant third person. It’s too detached for my personal taste (readers chine in here). But preference aside, I’m not sure there’s enough internalization or personal details to connect to her yet.

Since this feels detached overall, I’m not yet getting a sense of who Iris is or what she’s feeling. Is she happy about being pregnant? Worried? She’s being yelled at by her boss, yet she’s about to go on vacation, so the issue with the killer can’t be that important or she wouldn’t be leaving.

(Here's more on writing internalization with a tight point of view)

I’m also not sure what the focus of the scene is. Iris is pregnant, but that doesn’t seem important since she casually wonders about it. She’s going on vacation, but that feels more like an afterthought. There’s a press conference outside that could be very bad for her career, yet she barely reacts to it. She’s worried about her instincts, which is interesting, but there’s not enough there yet to know why (though it looks like that might be mentioned in the next paragraph).

Because I don’t know what matters to Iris, and what she wants in this scene, I can’t connect to her. She’s just a person sitting there doing random things. I’d suggest adding a little more internalization to make it clear what her problem is (the scene goal) and how this press conference (I gather) is going to be a problem for her.

(Here’s more on the narrative focus)

3. Does this opening work for a suspense novel?

The final line did intrigue me, and I’m curious what her husband and the killer have to do with each other. It’s interesting that she stands by her instincts while hoping they’re wrong, and I love that contradiction. Unexpected.

The opening as a whole, did not grab me, though. I didn’t understand enough about what was going on and why it mattered to be drawn in. There are inklings toward the end that Iris is worried her husband is the killer and the current suspect is covering for him. If so, that’s pretty cool, and I’d love to see the emotions that would no doubt go with that situation. If not, what problem is there that you could use to create a reason for readers to turn the page? Why should they read this book?

(Here’s more on creating story questions to draw readers in)

Overall, I think there’s potential here that’s not making it to the page yet. Suspense tends to be very personal—a person in danger—so a tighter point of view would work well with this type of story. I’d suggest revising with a tight third person point of view in mind and seeing this same scene through Iris’s eyes. Focus on what she sees and how she feels about it. Let readers into her head and see the things she’s worried about right now. I think you’ll find it easier to write in a tight third person, and get the more personal and emotional connection you’re after.

(Here’s more on writing a close third person point of view)

Thanks to our brave volunteer for submitting this for me to play with. I hope they–and others–find it helpful. I don’t do a full critique on these, (just as it pertains to the questions) and I encourage you to comment and make suggestions of your own. Just remember that these pieces are works in progress, not polished drafts, so be nice and offer constructive feedback.