Real Life Diagnostics: Should I Start With This Flash Forward?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

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This week’s question: I am considering starting this novel with a scene of main character Kate as she is caught in a rip current, then flashing back eighteen months to the first chapter. Would this work?

Market/Genre: Young Adult

On to the diagnosis…

Original text:

Background: This is a re-imagining of du Maurier's Rebecca, set among teenagers in the Carolina low country.

For a moment I almost convinced myself it was all a dream, or maybe one of the brooding, stormy seascapes Dani painted. The waves were higher now, the foamy white crests crashing upon themselves, rolling under, dragging me under with them.

I came up sputtering and coughing, feeling the rip current carry me farther out to sea. Steely gray clouds roiled against a sky that had suddenly gone dark.

I caught a few fleeting glimpses of Becca’s ghost and knew it was too late. A mailbox was just behind her, its post planted in the waves. She was getting closer, and I strained to hear what she was saying. It all made sense now. I understood the Captain’s message. I knew the Neried and the Charybdis. I knew the shipmate I was supposed to save. It was a shame that I’d never be able to do that now.

A huge wave swept over me, dragging me under and holding me there for what I knew would soon be far too long for me to survive. I thought of my mother and of Amy and Father Bill, remorseful for lying to them, sorry that I’d never be able to keep the promises I’d made. I thought of Gabe and knew this would break his strength and his heart and be the end of him. I was glad Max was such a good swimmer. I’d miss his kisses.

My vision narrowed into a black void, and then into nothingness, and I sank, alone, beneath the wine dark sea.

My Thoughts in Purple:

For a moment I almost convinced myself it was all a dream, or maybe one of the brooding, stormy seascapes Dani painted. The waves were higher now, the foamy white crests crashing upon themselves, rolling under, dragging me under with them.

I came up sputtering and coughing, feeling the rip current carry me farther out to sea. Steely gray clouds roiled against a sky that had suddenly gone dark.

I caught a few fleeting glimpses of [Becca’s ghost and knew it was too late] This could make me wonder about the ghost and why it’s too late. A mailbox was just behind her, its post planted in the waves. She was getting closer, and I strained to hear what she was saying. [It all made sense now. I understood the Captain’s message. I knew the Neried and the Charybdis. I knew the shipmate I was supposed to save.] This feels like a quick summary of some or all of her goals for the story It was a shame that I’d never be able to do that now.

A huge wave swept over me, dragging me under and holding me there for what I knew would soon be far too long for me to survive. I thought of my mother and of Amy and Father Bill, [remorseful for lying to them] now I know she’ll lie at some point, sorry that I’d never be able to keep the promises I’d made. I thought of [Gabe and knew this would break his strength and his heart and be the end of him.] Curious how and who he is I was glad [Max was such a good swimmer. I’d miss his kisses.] Can guess he’s the love interest

My vision narrowed into a black void, and then into nothingness, and I sank, alone, beneath the wine dark sea.

The question:

1. I am considering starting this novel with a scene of main character Kate as she is caught in a rip current, then flashing back eighteen months to the first chapter. Would this work?

This is a tough one, because it’s very subjective. Coincidentally, I just talked about my personal dislike for flash forwards (which this is), so for me, this type of opening would not work. (Readers chime in here, as many commented they had no problem with flash forwards).

(Here's more on why flash forward can be a problem)

The reasons I would have trouble with this in particular, is that I have no context for what’s going on. It’s a faceless person drowning, referring to people and things I don’t yet know as if I ought to know what she’s talking about. I know she ends up in this situation, but unless she dies at the end, she won’t die because it’s first person. So at the very least, I know despite this harrowing experience for her, she survives to tell the tale. I’d guess Max saves her since she mentions he’s a strong swimming, and I assume he’s the love interest.

It also doesn’t give me any story question or plot problem to draw me into the book. “How does she end up here?” is a legitimate question, but without knowing or caring about her, I’ve no interest in knowing the answer. Especially since I know in a flash forward I’m about to jump back in time and start the real story, and none of this actually matters until who knows when in the tale (flash forwards usually have a certain tone to them, so they often stand out). It feels like the climax of the story, and getting to the climax and finding out the answers is why I read a book. Getting a snippet of it first robs me of that fun.

That said…

Stepping back and being objective about this--it's well written, and for those who don’t mind or like this type of opening, I can see it appealing to them. It puts the protagonist in a dangerous situation, and it drops quite a few clues of things that will happen and mysteries to solve. There are hints of romance, conflict, broken promises, and a ghost story. All good elements that could be strong hooks. I can see readers paying more attention while they look for clues that connect to the hints dropped here and try to put the pieces together before the narrator winds up in the ocean.

This is also a retelling, so the original material could play a part. If Rebecca opens like this, or this is a nod to something in the novel, then it could also work well, like a private joke (I’ve never read Rebecca, and all I know is that it starts, “Last night I dreamt I went to Manderly again...”).

Overall, it’s your call. If this is all the flash forward you have (versus several more pages), then it’s quite short and those who don’t care for this literary device can easily skim past it. It’s also easy to cut if an agent/editor (if you plan to go that route) feels it’s stronger without it. I’d suggest going with your gut. Do you feel this is the way it needs to open? If so, do it. If you feel it’s not or something feels off to you, then cut it. Trust your instincts and do what feels right to you.

Thanks to our brave volunteer for submitting this for me to play with. I hope they–and others–find it helpful. I don’t do a full critique on these, (just as it pertains to the questions) and I encourage you to comment and make suggestions of your own. Just remember that these pieces are works in progress, not polished drafts, so be nice and offer constructive feedback.