Real Life Diagnostics: Double Duty: Pros and Cons of Multiple First Person

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose them on the blog. It’s part critique, part example, designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

If you're interested in submitting to Real Life Diagnostics, check out the page for guidelines.

Submissions currently in the queue: Six

This week’s questions:

The novel is a YA paranormal story told from the alternating perspectives of the two main characters, Mariella and Hudson. Mariella hasn't spoken a word in four years and Hudson has just survived a trial that has destroyed many who went before him. The story begins before they have met each other and follows them through one dangerous week and its aftermath.

I have several questions which may or may not be answerable in the section of writing provided:
1) Does Mariella's chapter work or is it too vague?
2) Does simply placing the character's names at the beginning of their chapters make the transition clear?
3) Does the section compel you to read more?
4) Pros-Cons of double narratives? I've heard a lot of talk on both sides of the fence. From what you see here, do you think the dual first person narration might work?

On to the diagnosis…

Original text:
Mariella
Sleeping is the best part of my day. Everything goes slowly downhill from there. Waking up, searching for new music, faking my way through school, studying useless information for hours, suffering through dinner. The only thing I look forward is the buildup of anticipation before it’s finally time to go to sleep.

Can you imagine living like that? What kind of life that would be? I can tell you right now.

It’s no life at all.

That’s why I’m trying so hard to make sure I spend the rest of my life asleep. Who wouldn’t if they had a choice between paradise and Swallow’s Grove?

Hudson
I saw my mom at the grocery store this morning. In most people’s lives, this wouldn’t be a story that goes beyond that sentence. That’s it. I saw my mom at the grocery store this morning. The End. That, however, is not my life.

In my life, this event is much, much more complicated.

Horace forgot that we were almost out of food, so he asked me to make a run for necessities. I don’t think twice about this because A) I don’t really have the right to refuse Horace such a simple request and B) it’s the grocery store. What can happen? I grab a cart at the door and start coasting through the aisles, automatically pulling our usual staples off the shelves as I pass. The normality of it, the routine of the actions, lulls me into complacence; I don’t see the danger until it’s too late.

It’s the hair-raising tingle that alerts me first. My head snaps up and some inner sense I’ve always had immediately locks on to the watcher. I almost drop the glass jar of spaghetti sauce in my hand when my gaze meets my mom’s.

My Thoughts in Purple:
Mariella
Sleeping is the best part of my day. Everything goes slowly downhill from there. Waking up, searching for new music, faking my way through school, studying useless information for hours, suffering through dinner. [The only thing I look forward is the buildup of anticipation before it’s finally time to go to sleep.] Intriguing.

[Can you imagine living like that? What kind of life that would be? I can tell you right now. 

It’s no life at all.] Personal issue, but talking directly to the reader here pulls me out of the story. Feels stronger to me to go right to the plan to spend the rest of her life asleep. Readers chime in about this.

That’s why I’m trying so hard to make sure I spend the rest of my life asleep. Who wouldn’t if they had a choice between [paradise and Swallow’s Grove?] Very intrigued by why sleep is paradise and what's wrong with the Grove.

Hudson
I saw my mom at the grocery store this morning. In most people’s lives, this wouldn’t be a story that goes beyond that sentence. That’s it. I saw my mom at the grocery store this morning. The End. That, however, is not my life.

In my life, this event is much, much more complicated.

Horace forgot that we were almost out of food, so he asked me to make a run for necessities. I [don’t] didn't since this is past tense think twice about this because [A) I don’t really have the right to refuse Horace such a simple request] Makes me wonder what Horace does that he feels indebted to him and B) [it’s the grocery store. What can happen?] Makes me wonder why he's worried about what will happen I grab a cart at the door and start coasting through the aisles, automatically pulling our usual staples off the shelves as I pass. The normality of it, the routine of the actions, lulls me into complacence; [I don’t see the danger until it’s too late.] Quick general comment since this is a great example of something: In a first person POV, a phrase like this would normally be telling, since he can't know what he doesn't see, but this is him telling a story about what happened this morning, so he does know.

It’s the hair-raising tingle that alerts me first. My head snaps up and [some inner sense I’ve always had] Makes me wonder if this is something supernatural or just sharp instincts immediately locks on to the watcher. I almost drop the glass jar of spaghetti sauce in my hand when my gaze meets my mom’s.

The questions:
1) Does Mariella's chapter work or is it too vague?
I was intrigued by the end of it, and I like the voice in it. I don't yet know what's going on, but I suspect the cover copy would provide enough context for it. It's quite short, so it could be jarring to go from person to person with a really short chapter. You don't always get enough info to be drawn in before it's gone. However, Beth Revis does it in Across the Universe, and it worked fine there. She mixes it with other longer chapters.

I'm actually a bit torn on this one. I like it, and want to know why being asleep is better. I want to know what the deal is here, as I suspect it's a dystopian future (and I love those). I think it's going to depend on what readers know when they open the book. If they already know she prefers to stay asleep and there's no mystery there, this might not hook as well. It'll be known information. But if they don't, it will probably work to pique their interest. (readers chime in here) I want to know more about this girl and why she prefers sleep.

2) Does simply placing the character's names at the beginning of their chapters make the transition clear?
Yes, if you start each chapter as you normally would. Title halfway down the page, etc. If you treated them like scenes and went name to name, that might be a little hard to follow if they're all this short. Could be easy to miss a name and a transition.

3) Does the section compel you to read more?
Yes. I want to know why she prefers sleep, and why it's dangerous for Hudson to see his mother. I also love the little hints that this world is off from my world, and that intrigues me as well. There's more going on here, and I'm curious what that is.

4) Pros-Cons of double narratives? I've heard a lot of talk on both sides of the fence. From what you see here, do you think the dual first person narration might work?
That's a post on its own, and a question I'm asking myself right now (my WIP has dual firsts). I can think of three YA novels off the top of my head that use dual firsts and have been quite successful. Maggie Steifvater's. Shiver (The Wolves of Mercy Falls trilogy), Beth Revis's Across the Universe, and Marie Lu's Legend. So yes, it can be done and done well. But there are extra challenges to dual firsts.

1. It's tougher to ensure the voices are distinct enough to keep track of who is who.
Since every chapter is "I" it's harder to maintain whose POV you're in, especially if the characters spend a lot of time together, where you see both from both sides a lot. The more distinct the voices, the easier this will be for the reader. All three of the books I mentioned tagged each chapter with the name of the POV, and Legend even went as far as to do all on one character's text in gold in and a different font. They worked hard to make sure you knew the difference.

If you go this route, I'd suggest putting time into each character's speech patterns, vocabulary, and how they see and refer to the world. Right now, both sound about the same. I like the voice, but they don't sound different yet. Make them unique and the odds of working go way up.

2. It's hard to hold reader interest in both POVs.
Pacing becomes trickier because you have two characters to follow, and unless one is the antag, odds are it's like having two protags. Each will have their own goals and plans. If the reader if more interested in one side, they might skim through the other to get to the good stuff, especially if you end on a cliffhanger.

I'm reminded of the prequel Star Wars movies. Multiple POVs, exciting stuff was happening, but every scene ended just as it was getting to the good stuff and threw you to another POV just ramping up to the good stuff. By the time you got back, the tension was gone and you no longer cared. After several scenes in a row like this you stopped feeling any tension at all, because you knew it was just going to end it and shift to a slow scene again.

Multiple POVs (first or third person) have this risk, so resist the urge to end every chapter with a major cliffhanger, or design them to dangle something in front of the reader every time. While this is usually exactly what you want, you have to maintain a much finer balance when you change POVs. Keep the tension even across the board so you raise it as a whole and keep readers reading, not make them feel like they're always being kept back from the excitement. It's more about keeping the story interest high than each particular scene if that makes sense. Wanting to see how a scene turns out can cause skimming. Wanting to see how the whole story turns out keeps them with you.

Making those plans connect and having something that ties the two sides together can help bring the story together here.

3. It's hard to ensure both sides have a real and separate story, yet at the same time making it all one story.
If one side is there to basically relay information the other side needs to know but isn't involved in, it can come across as a POV full of infodumping. If it's two people living two separate lives, it can come across as two stories in one book. Great multiple POVs work when every side brings something unique to the story and the reader can only get the full story by seeing all the sides.

Another snag is if both sides frequently explain the same info, even if it's from different perspectives, it's still the same info unless there's something very different in how each side sees that info. There's nothing new for the reader to discover. But if two sides each have different info, or (great fun) wrong info, and the reader can see the truth by seeing what both sides know and don't know, then you can build some wonderful dramatic irony. Readers can put the pieces together and figure out the truth for themselves by what the two sides know (or don't know).

Third person does has advantages over first in that you don't have to work quite so hard, but really, all the same issues apply. You want your characters to sound different no matter who they are. Even secondary characters should have their own voice. You still want the stories to be different, yet connected. You still want to keep your pacing tight and balanced. What's forgiving about third, is that when you slack off on those things, it's still clear whose head you're in.

There's also the issue that not everyone likes dual firsts. I had a writing instructor who hated it. She felt that you couldn't have two people telling the same story at the same time. It jarred her every time it switched. Folks can be iffy with first person, and I don't think I've ever seen a review that said "I don't like third person..." but I do see this with first. But you have no control of who might or might not like it, so if you prefer it, and you enjoy it, and even more important, you write better in it, go for it. (I did) Worst case, it can be changed if an editor or agent down the road thinks you'd stand a better chance with third over first. I'm seeing more of it these days than I used to in YA, though.

As for pros, the only real decision is which do you prefer to write in. Dual firsts, dual thirds, they're both fairly even, and as I said, the same problems do apply to both. Firsts is a tad more difficult, but if you're a stronger writer in first than third, it balances out those difficulties. Both are acceptable and readers like both. I'd suggest writing the story the way you feel it should be written, and how you feel you'll get the best story.

Overall, a good start that I enjoyed and would read more of.

Thanks to our brave volunteer for submitting this for me to play with. I hope they – and others – find it helpful. I don’t do a full critique on these, (just as it pertains to the questions) and I encourage you to comment and make suggestions of your own. Just remember that these pieces are works in progress, not polished drafts, so be nice and offer constructive feedback.