I'm going to do something a little fun today, since yesterday was all about how to critique. I've dug back into my files and pulled up the very first draft of The Shifter (back when it was still The Pain Merchants). I'll use excerpts from the draft, and the critique comments I got back from my crit group, and show what they said, what I did, and explain why I found the comment helpful. Hopefully this will shed light on what to look for in your own revisions, and things to think about when you revise. (and how to handle critiques)
The feedback is in red. My comments are in purple.
First Draft Version:
I froze. The chicken **[spooked. Her scaly...] didn’t. Now spooked, her scaly feet flailed above the eggs that should have been my breakfast. This one is a pretty easy change to make. Cutting "now spooked" eliminates a bit of telling (I'm explaining the chicken's motivation for flailing) and tightens up the line as a whole.
A **[adjective? otherwise I have him older] watchguard smiled, his rapier aimed at my chest. This was a helpful comment for me because I'm terrible about description. It's also a great example of how a reader will assume something you didn't intend. The watchguard is younger, Nya's age, but I don't say that until after I've given the reader time to make an assumption based on a few facts. "Watchguard" implies training, which implies someone older, so it's no wonder my reader had this impression. [Most times I enjoyed handsome boys smiling at me in the moonlight,] This makes it seem like she has this experience a lot but his wasn’t a friendly smile. I’d learned to tell the difference between smiles a lot faster than I’d figured out the egg thing. This second piece is good observation, as "most times" does imply that this isn't the first time this has happened to her. It makes Nya seem more worldly than she is, like she often meets boys in the moonlight. As that isn't the case, I've already suggested things that will lead the reader in the wrong direction.
“So Heclar,” he said over his shoulder, “you do have a thief. Guess I was wrong.”
Rancher Heclar strutted into view, bearing an uncanny resemblance to the chicken trying to peck me. Ruffled, sharp beaked and beady-eyed. He harrumphed and set his fists against his hips. “I told you foxes weren’t getting them.”
I froze. The chicken didn’t. Her scaly feet flailed toward the eggs that should have been my breakfast. I looked up at a cute night guard not much older than me, perhaps sixteen. Here's how I added his age so right away you know Nya is looking at someone younger than your average guard. I also added "cute" which shows judgment on Nya's part, further enhancing her POV. Plus, I get to show her rough age without telling. (Amazing how adding one detail does so much, huh?) The night was more humid than usual, but a slight breeze blew his sand-pale hair. A soldier’s cut, but a month or two grown out. Here I was able to not only describe the boy (important since he turned out to be a major character by the time I hit chapter four), but I get to do some world building on top of it. "More humid than usual" implies a hot, humid climate. "A soldier's cut" implies that Nya is familiar with soldiers, so they must be common where she lives. And that she finds it important to notice them. You'll also see watchguard changed to night guard to suggest that this was a temp job (just at night) versus someone trained.
Stay calm, stay alert. As Grannyma used to say, if you’re caught with the cake, you might as well offer a piece. Not sure how that applied to chickens though. Totally new info here, because I decided Nya needed a reaction to show how she deals with getting caught. We need to see her thought process to get a better feel for her as a character, otherwise readers might not connect or sympathize with her. It also let me introduce Grannyma and her sayings right away, something that didn't come up until later in the story but became central to Nya's character.
“Join me for breakfast when your shift ends?” I asked. Sunrise was two hours away. Same here. Nya needed to interact with the night guard, as she has a tendency to try and talk her way out of situations. This gets that trait right up front, so no one will be surprised when she does it later in more dangerous situations. It also adds the time, "sunrise was..." to help further ground the reader in the setting and orient them to the time of day.
He smiled, but aimed his rapier at my chest anyway. Was nice to have a handsome boy smile at me in the moonlight, but his was a sad, sorry-only-doing-my-job smile. I’d learned to tell the difference between smiles a lot faster than I’d figured out the egg thing. I got rid of the "most times" so we know this isn't common for her. "Was nice to" even implies that this doesn't happen to her often. I put the smile reference here, because I gave Nya something to say that triggers the smile (she was cute, and he smiles at her joke and invitation, suggesting he might kinda like her). and lets the characters interact so they aren't just spouting dialog. I also gave her a better perception of the kinds of smiles there were, further showing that she picks up on subtle things she needs to survive. The smile thing will also play into further interactions she has with folks, and it'll be established here so her figuring out people later feels natural. It also establishes her as being perceptive and being able to use that to her advantage, another thing she'll use later.
“So, Heclar,” he said over his shoulder, “you do have a thief. Guess I was wrong.”
Rancher Heclar strutted into view, bearing an uncanny resemblance to the chicken trying to peck me—ruffled, sharp beaked, and beady eyed. He harrumphed and set his fists against his hips. “I told you crocodiles weren’t getting them.” I changed foxes to crocodiles here. This was a deliberate attempt to counteract the natural default fantasy setting that this is a medieval England type world. Foxes could still be very European. Crocodiles aren't, and they tie in with the humid air, further reinforcing that tropical climate and setting.
Little changes really, but each one added depth to the scene and did a lot more to characterize Nya and give the reader a better sense of the world. And hopefully it shows how you can add a lot without doing much.
First Draft Version:
“Oooommf!” I sucked back the breath I’d just lost and inhaled a lungful of dust and feathers. The watchguard crashed over the crates a choking gasp later and hit the ground beside me. Dried corn flew out and speckled the ground **[like cheap gems.] not sure this simile works for me. Has she ever seen cheap gems? Maybe a metaphor instead, suggesting that the corn has value to her?] This was a good observation. Just a few pages in, and already my reader can tell Nya isn't the kind of girl who would have been exposed to a lot of jewels. However, when I wrote this, I knew her backstory and knew that she was a girl who had seen riches. But a reader wouldn't know that and so this jumped out at them as wrong. So my attempt to "show" that Nya knows gems fell flat. This was clearly not the right place to get that info to the reader.
I took a step forward but the breezeway was no longer empty. Something large, gray and moving fast **[at my head blocked my escape]. two of these is too much for me. Plus – is Heclar himself moving fast at her head? More likely he's blocking her escape...] Heclar! A little goes a long way, and I did too much here. Exactly what was moving fast at her head? And how did it block her escape? A great example of trying to do too much in the same sentence and mucking up the clarity.
White pain blinded Literally? With no context and knowing this book has magic, readers have no way of knowing if I really did blind Nya or if this is just a metaphor. me and I thudded back to the ground. Heclar floated in the spinning silver flecks dancing **[spinning/dancing too much; can you pick one?] around my eyes, a blue-black cone in his hand. And I do too much again here. This is a scene that's supposed to be quick, but here I am bogging it down with extra words that do nothing but confuse.
I took a step forward but something large blocked my escape. Heclar! He swung at my head and I ducked, but not fast enough. So much better. The extra words are gone and what's happening is clearer. It also picks up the pace, which raises the tension.
Pain bit into my temple and I thudded back to the ground. Heclar floated in the silver flecks dancing around my eyes, a blue-black pynvium club in his hand. And this is cleaner as well. I also got rid of the thwack, as it didn't add anything to the scene at all. The cone became a club, because clubs are easier to hit people with. A cone is a weird shape for a weapon, and that was tripping folks up. I also changed "blinded" to "bit" so it was clean the magic didn't actually blind her.
And there you have it. First draft to final draft, and the comments that got me there.
Looking for tips on revising your novel? Check out my book Revising Your Novel: First Draft to Finished Draft, a series of self-guided workshops that help you revise your manuscript into a finished novel. Still working on your idea? Then try my just-released Planning Your Novel Workbook.
A long-time fantasy reader, Janice Hardy always wondered about the darker side of healing. For her fantasy trilogy The Healing Wars, she tapped into her own dark side to create a world where healing was dangerous, and those with the best intentions often made the worst choices. Her novels include The Shifter, Blue Fire, and Darkfall from Balzer+Bray/Harper Collins. The Shifter, was chosen for the 2014 list of "Ten Books All Young Georgians Should Read" from the Georgia Center for the Book. It was also shortlisted for the Waterstones Children's Book Prize, and The Truman Award in 2011.
Janice is also the founder of Fiction University, a site dedicated to helping writers improve their craft. Her popular Foundations of Fiction series includes Planning Your Novel: Ideas and Structure, a self-guided workshop for planning or revising a novel, the companion Planning Your Novel Workbook, Revising Your Novel: First Draft to Finished Draft, and the upcoming Understanding Show Don't Tell (And Really Getting It).
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