Real Life Diagnostics: Does This Fantasy Opening Work?

Critique By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

Real Life Diagnostics is a weekly column that studies a snippet of a work in progress for specific issues. Readers are encouraged to send in work with questions, and I diagnose it on the site. It’s part critique, part example, and designed to help the submitter as well as anyone else having a similar problem.

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This week’s questions:

1. Is this engaging enough for a first scene?

2. It's hard to give more internal thoughts on this beginning, because the action is all of a sudden. Do you think I should try putting more internal thoughts in these first 250 words?

3. Even if the scene isn't good in overall, is there anything that would make you read the next page?

4. I had Melissa cursing in this scene, but some people said it was horrible and I took it away. It's not a problem for this scene, but she is a cursing type of person (which shows some of her background) and I wanted it to shock some other characters along the novel with her poor vocabulary. Can you give me a hint on how to deal with this?

Market/Genre: Fantasy

On to the diagnosis…

Original text:

Melissa stopped and sat down at the top of a dune, trying to recover some of her energy and at least a little bit of her desire to keep on. She had been walking for a long time, but she could still see the warrior statue that marked the beginning of her journey. Her feet were on fire inside the gaiters.

This is so useless…

She took a sip from the canteen and choked when a person appeared at the top of a dune, to her left. Melissa closed the canteen and began running towards the stranger, whom was covered in black rags.

It was the first person she saw since the doors of death opened and gave her access to that hellish desert.

"Hey, hey!” she screamed.

The ragged one kept walking, in a pace three times faster than Melissa could stand. She grabbed him by the shoulders when he ignored her.

“Hey…” she said, unable to keep an emotionless voice.

Under the rags, there was a woman with a flaring red skin, full of bruises. She had the smell of a dead body.

So weird, but if she knows where I can find a village or something, it's enough.

“Hey, hey,” Melissa said again, shaking her by the shoulders.

The only answer she got was a scared look, coming through red and sore eyes.

“Where are the others? Where do you live?”

The traces of fear in her eyes became pure confusion.

“Say something. What’s your name?”

Melissa snapped when the woman remained silent and threw her over the sand, as if that would help turn her mind on.

Unbelievable.

My Thoughts in Purple:

Melissa stopped and sat down at the top of a dune, trying to recover some of her energy and at least [a little bit of her desire to keep on] this intrigues me, as I wonder why. She had been walking for a long time, but she could still see the warrior statue that marked the beginning of her journey. Her feet were on fire inside the gaiters.

[This is so useless…] Since this switched to present tense/first person, either italicize it so it’s clear it’s her thought, or switch it to past tense/third person to remain in the narrative as an internal thought, for example: This is so useless… or This was so useless. Either works.

She took a sip from the canteen and choked when a person appeared at the top of a dune, to her left. [Melissa closed the canteen and began running towards the stranger, whom was covered in black rags.] This feels a little tellish and clunky

It was the first person [she saw] she’d seen [since the doors of death opened and gave her access to that hellish desert.] Also intrigues me. She’s been through something

"Hey, hey!” she screamed.

The ragged one kept walking, [in a pace three times faster than Melissa could stand] something about this feels off. [She grabbed him by the shoulders when he ignored her.] if he’s moving so much faster, how did she catch him? This paragraph feels a little out of whack

“Hey…” she said, [unable to keep an emotionless voice.] telling a bit. What does this actually mean? How does she sound? Does she rasp? Cry? Plead?

Under the rags, [there was] a little passive. Try using the active voice a woman with a flaring red skin, full of bruises. [She had the smell of a dead body.] here, too

[So weird, but if she knows where I can find a village or something, it's enough.] Either italicize or make part of the narrative: So weird, but if she knew where to find a village or something, it was enough.

“Hey, hey,” Melissa said again, shaking her by the shoulders.

The only answer [she got] don’t need was a scared look, coming through red and sore eyes.

“Where are the others? Where do you live?” Good spot for some internalization

The traces of fear in her eyes became pure confusion.

“Say something. What’s your name?”

Melissa [snapped when the woman remained silent and] explaining motive, which feels a little tellish threw her over the sand, as if that would help turn her mind on.

Unbelievable.

The questions:

1. Is this engaging enough for a first scene?

I’d read on a little more (readers chime in here). There’s a clear sense of Melissa in the middle of a problem, and she’s been through something and in trouble. All is not well in this world, though I don’t know what or why yet. But the general problem it clear enough for me to follow along in the story.

(Here’s more on writing an opening scene)

2. It's hard to give more internal thoughts on this beginning, because the action is all of a sudden. Do you think I should try putting more internal thoughts in these first 250 words?

There was one spot I wanted a little more to show her desperation and frustration, but overall it was fine. I’d suggest deciding how you want to handle your internalization though. Internal thoughts can either be italic and first person to show immediacy (though this gets tiresome if all the thoughts are like this, so I recommend using it only for thoughts you want to emphasize), or keeping it in the third person narrative. Most internalization you can make part of the narrative.

(Here’s more on choosing which thoughts to italicize)

3. Even if the scene isn't good in overall, is there anything that would make you read the next page?

I found the hints that there was more going on intriguing and that drew me in. The situation worked for me, and even if the text could use a little polishing still, the scene is sound. There’s a little telling and some clunky sentences (common for early drafts), but I can see from the rest of the text you can easily clean that up and smooth the prose.

(Here’s more on keeping readers hooked)

4. I had Melissa cursing in this scene, but some people said it was horrible and I took it away. It's not a problem for this scene, but she is a cursing type of person (which shows some of her background) and I wanted it to shock some other characters along the novel with her poor vocabulary. Can you give me a hint on how to deal with this?

Go with your instincts. If you feel that’s the character, let her curse. It’s possible you had a few beta readers who simply don’t like cursing and it’s their personal preference.

Andy Weir’s The Martian starts like this:

I’m pretty much f@#%ed.

That’s my considered opinion.

F@#%ed.

So clearly, swearing the first page doesn’t matter if it’s the right thing to do (grin). However, if most of your beta readers are saying this and they have no problems with cursing, it could indicate a problem. Maybe the swearing is right, but the word used is too much for that scene. Trust yourself and do what you feel works best.

(Here’s more on trusting your writer’s instinct)

Overall, this scene is working as intended, and a few tweaks to polish and smooth the text would get it where you want it. This feels much stronger than the previous opening you submitted.

Thanks to our brave volunteer for submitting this for me to play with. I hope they–and others–find it helpful. I don’t do a full critique on these, (just as it pertains to the questions) and I encourage you to comment and make suggestions of your own. Just remember that these pieces are works in progress (many by new writers), not polished drafts, so be nice and offer constructive feedback.