tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post9152365571282662856..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Would You Keep Reading This Middle Grade Opening?Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-55551458039806818432018-07-10T07:36:26.259-04:002018-07-10T07:36:26.259-04:00Thank you.Thank you.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14858195484971534085noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-53241125423487547522018-07-10T07:36:13.326-04:002018-07-10T07:36:13.326-04:00Thank you.Thank you.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14858195484971534085noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-82029528906576759782018-07-10T07:35:52.127-04:002018-07-10T07:35:52.127-04:00Thought I'd responded to this earlier, but evi...Thought I'd responded to this earlier, but evidently my post didn't post. Thank you Janice and Ken for your insights. I've rewritten to hopefully make the beginning stronger.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14858195484971534085noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-42175058258029294402018-06-17T15:37:12.011-04:002018-06-17T15:37:12.011-04:00Many good points already made. I would definitely ...Many good points already made. I would definitely read on.Pamelahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10641800481681697132noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-34597834950321183992018-06-17T12:57:46.666-04:002018-06-17T12:57:46.666-04:00I liked this a lot and would definitely continue r...I liked this a lot and would definitely continue reading. The one thing you did well is set up sympathy for the character. Johnny doesn't seem like a jerk, just a kid with lots of apprehension. Anyone feels bad for a kid flying by themselves on a plane and most of us know the dread of divorce and mixing families. So, great job on developing Johnny early on. Without knowing where the story is going - I would certainly turn the page.Lynne Gobioffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08411456589261308425noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-59653657032410093132018-06-17T10:03:24.627-04:002018-06-17T10:03:24.627-04:00There's plenty of background here, and a good ...There's plenty of background here, and a good hook. The hook might get to its full form sooner, though. A knockout first line or two is always worth having.<br /><br />And you've got some great lines here with "not my family, just my dad" (much better than "my dad's," I think; he's trying not to see the others at all) and him not using the name they call out.<br /><br />I also like the first descriptions of the father: stiff as a pole, and the assessing look he gives Johnny. The other details round him out, but the main impression is intimidating enough to do the job.<br /><br />Your first couple of paragraphs feel like they're getting in the way of those. "Not my family" would be a superb first or second line, and you could fill us in on the rest after that as they're walking closer. (I definitely see "nervous" and "swarming bees" as a sign that "talking to cute girls" is not a comparison to good or mixed feelings, but getting "not my family" in first would make it clearer still. You might even harshen it to "angry bees," or "nervous" into something more upset.)<br /><br />There's a skill that can do a lot to help first pages: explaining things as you go while the action is already happening. Starting with the attendant walking him down and asking questions is the easy way to open this, but not as good as going right to a stronger moment and knowing you can get the rest in right behind it. Look at the key facts we have to know and see how easy it is to work them in in time, even if it's just a few words at first. Even if there's no good place to put them before the moment we need them, it's often fine to put them *right after* that moment; the character himself fills in the full meaning just when we want to know.<br /><br />This looks like a solid story here, with some vivid moments to show you know how to write it well. A little streamlining would do a lot to make the most of that.Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.com