tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post903263247036275566..comments2024-03-17T06:03:00.362-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Does This YA Romance Opening Work?Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-25423343224658533292016-07-03T12:35:29.282-04:002016-07-03T12:35:29.282-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Peter Charnellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10204152727626930933noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-32825489840010251042016-07-03T09:21:32.826-04:002016-07-03T09:21:32.826-04:00"I’d suggest clarifying that it’s a guy from ..."I’d suggest clarifying that it’s a guy from the start." -No need to do this in my opinion. Sometimes surprises are nice. Sometimes surprises challenge us. For example, below: <br /><br />A guy lamenting over the fact that he’s “pretty” is different than a girl conceitedly describing herself." - Ey? Depends entirely on what type of 'guy' this is and how he sees himself. What goes on in our minds doesn't have to adhere to any gender rules what-so-ever, and what Tony thinks may not necessarily be what he says out loud.<br /><br />The voice sounds great and the set up has me asking a lot of questions. I agree with Maria; it sounds like this story has the potential to take the reader somewhere new. I can't say it's snagged my interest enough, but the voice alone would keep me reading on for a page or two more to see what's on offer!S.E. Deehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01900678669541652968noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-64030556590835756262016-07-02T19:57:49.085-04:002016-07-02T19:57:49.085-04:00I would swap the paragraphs around and open with &...I would swap the paragraphs around and open with "God, I swear..." then 'Let me tell you' The characters are clear then.Kayceenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-60855560650639887952016-07-02T13:50:59.900-04:002016-07-02T13:50:59.900-04:00This is an interesting start. I disagree with Jani...This is an interesting start. I disagree with Janice's suggestion to ID this as a male from the get-go. It's revealed in the second paragraph, so while it's jarring, I don't think it's enough to lose the average reader (YMMV, of course).<br /><br /><br />I'd suggest two tweaks:<br /><br />1)Let me tell you what me being "pretty" means.<br />When I picture this scene in my head, I picture the narrator making air quotes around pretty. It's adds a little voice, and it helps hint towards the narrator being male.<br /><br />2) I'm just her guy friend, [pet name].<br />Surely, if they're besties, she has a pet name for him. At the very least, I doubt she calls him "Tony Lynn Schaeffer" all the time. The sentence as-is has a CW feel to it (you know how nearly all their shows open with "My name is [protagonist], and I'm [profession][backstory].")<br /><br />I'd download a sample and read on.Leah Bhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12112039253103425880noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-11177936799655482852016-07-02T11:10:33.320-04:002016-07-02T11:10:33.320-04:00"...having my gorgeous and yet feminine face...."...having my gorgeous and yet feminine face."<br /><br />This bit is what triggered the question: why would a woman/girl further define her face as feminine? The repeated use of 'me' actually reminded me of a guy, as I've heard the use before--a kind of weird third-person approach where 'me' replaces the guy's name. "me with my big muscles, me with my wavy hair and white teeth, etc"<br /><br />The 2nd paragraph could be the gush of a girl or a guy, so that was fun. <br /><br />But then came the declarations, and giving his own name (all 3 no less), and I literally shut off like a light.<br /><br />I would have willingly followed the direction of the first paragraph, would have enjoyed being led through a few more paragraphs that sketched out the eventual romantic conflict, but to just have it dumped in --- I would have, unfortunately, clicked away to a new book.<br /><br />I agree with Janice that there are two very different things going on, and I was ready to explore the struggle of a guy who was 'too pretty'and what that might mean to his life. I would be interested in seeing what his perspective was, what conflicts he encountered and how he handled them. If the fabulous Alisa has actually become his 'protector/deflector' that would be engaging. If there are unresolved sexuality or identity issues, I would be interested.<br /><br />This story appears to have the potential for taking readers on a journey that might be very new or very enlightening or, at the least, very intriguing. Slow down, show us who this guy is, let us get settled next to him as he tells his tale, eh?<br /><br />I do like the voice -- a lot.<br /><br />Good luck and thanks so much for allowing others to read your work and comment.Maria D'Marcohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07909374867721777133noreply@blogger.com