tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post9027268541575865348..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Is This MG Sci Fi Scene Telling Too Much?Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-80312109526619031552016-10-09T14:23:55.131-04:002016-10-09T14:23:55.131-04:00The overwhelming issues here are telling and voice...The overwhelming issues here are telling and voice and they combine to leave the reader disbelieving when he rushes down the stairs. There's little for the reader to care about when most of this is told and a boy's voice is absent in the narrative.<br /><br />Hearing, in general, is a distraction to the reader. He cares more about popping his ears than the voices. He disbelieves what he hears so the reader follows suit. Instead of selling a mystery, we're sold disinterest, and then, out of the blue, we're told he still wants to look for "them." Huh? The boy consumed with popping his ears and laying out his clothes is now willing to face down a potential axe murderer in a town he doesn't know? In one short sentence he goes from "fussy" to "reckless."<br /><br />As everyone else mentioned, what draws him out must be clear and reasonable. Too, "showing" what draws him out AND his reaction to it is what what will make this engaging. Good luck.Christina Anne Hawthornehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11469200451589333014noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-76975789610203896582016-10-08T10:55:45.351-04:002016-10-08T10:55:45.351-04:00I think this really is about "telling" i...I think this really is about "telling" issues. Especially, it's about exactly what Brendan hears.<br /><br />(And sees. "The night hid them" doesn't do quite justice to a dark window where he just can't spot what might be making those noises. Is there anything he can see, and does that say whether it's mere twilight or a midnight where anything could be hiding? Can there be a hint of his realizing the shadows outside his own bedroom window are still new territory to him?)<br /><br />Mainly, I think the scene depends on you zeroing in on just what he hears (and sees), and making it just odd enough but nonthreatening enough that he might actually go out to look, instead of staying in (if it's unsettling but he's not sure it's real) or telling his parents. I'm with Janice; it might make a big difference if some moments about the voices sounded like kids to play with, maybe high-pitched or with a careless, childlike tone. Or it might be that he doesn't plan to go out far, just shine the light out from right near the house's door and see if Bennie barks.<br /><br />You're trying to tease Brendan with a situation that's just odd enough to pull him in, and hook us with what that is. I think that's all about the specifics.Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.com