tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post9003137970104094636..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Are We Grounded? Setting the Scene and Engaging the ReaderJanice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-14766832484992238782012-02-23T18:09:39.777-05:002012-02-23T18:09:39.777-05:00I am not sure how old the protagonist is. Some of ...I am not sure how old the protagonist is. Some of the terms seemed surprising like hoovered - I had to stop and think about that - wondering if it was hovered. I like the idea of starting with the mom packed her suitcase - that would add to her mortification - mom chosen clothes are never satisfactory. <br /><br />There is a lot of tension in the having to sell herself, and as an artist clothes would be part of her pallet.<br /><br />One of the awesome lines is "Kill me now." That sounds so teenager.<br /><br />The other good conflict line is "I hated her and wanted to be her."<br /><br />I would want to know more about StellaHeather Marstenhttp://www.heathermarsten.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-51155289497601503942012-02-11T20:05:29.178-05:002012-02-11T20:05:29.178-05:00I especially like changing the first line to the s...I especially like changing the first line to the suitcase sentence as Janice said or to the text to her friends as Sarah suggested. <br /><br />Though I'm not a big fan of getting so much of the main character description so early on, I would have been interested in the lipstick detail if it bothered her and was not something she would normally wear. And I think if you just drop in bits of her description here and there throughout the novel, you'll be fine. Part of what stands out here is that there are so many together.<br /><br />Like everyone else here - I really like Stella, too! Best of luck with her.Khanadahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04705064700657411259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-6916842334386850972012-02-11T16:43:31.995-05:002012-02-11T16:43:31.995-05:00From reading this snippet, it seemed like the root...From reading this snippet, it seemed like the root of the conflict was the tension between Stella and her mother. The mom sounds controlling, especially if she packed this teenage girl's suitcase and dictated what dress she was going to wear. I have to wonder if the mom is the one pushing her daughter to prove herself to be a "serious artist." As an artsy type myself, I was fortunate enough to have parents who let me choose what I wanted to do and how competitive I wanted to be. However, I had many friends who were forced into it by their parents, and ended up hating something they used to love. If that's the case with Stella, I think you could play it up a bit here. :)<br /><br />Also, I love having a YA character who's a serious artist! :D Young but going places, getting her own gallery show. That's a big deal for someone that young (for anyone, really).Laura W.http://lauraplusthevoices.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-60560506524002035322012-02-11T16:23:42.214-05:002012-02-11T16:23:42.214-05:00I really like the voice you have here for Stella. ...I really like the voice you have here for Stella. I agree with what's been said about the few sentences that have been overwritten. As a reader I prefer common verbs that tell me exactly what you mean. For me, hoovered brought to mind old carpets and dust. <br /><br />The self-description felt forced to me - but please don't use the mirror technique to describe her - it's been over done to the point of cliche. Nobody says the reader needs to know exactly what the main character looks like on the first page. I like to be able to form my own picture first then get very few clues throughout the book. If she's tall, then have her look down somebody's cleavage. If she's short, she notices the nose hair. Things like that to give the reader a glimpse of what she looks like. Less is always more.<br /><br />That being said, I think this is a great start. Hope to get to read some more soon.PattiBuffhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07498161550187573134noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-22352236437852696042012-02-11T16:03:54.090-05:002012-02-11T16:03:54.090-05:00I agree with Janice about the first sentence, alth...I agree with Janice about the first sentence, although I think "Kill me now" would be the best way to start. That's a dramatic first line but it also gets straight to the point of the scene - that she hates being there - whereas your first paragraph as it stands contains details which seem insignificant to me. <br /><br />I don't mind that she's not in the gallery yet, I think that shows her reluctance. <br /><br />I like that you are trying to set up the tense relationship between her and her mother, and perhaps express Stella's own demure character. I don't mind a "weak" or powerless character in the beginning, as I look forward to watching her development. It would help me to know sooner how old she is and why she's there. I assume she's an artist - I'm interested to know how someone who is an artist with her works on display (if that is the case here) can be so bossed around.<br /><br />I personally think you have used too many words, and too many interesting ways to describe things - hoovered, heaved, whipped (which you used twice - cut one), manhandle, stark, haloing, etc. But I think that issue generally sorts itself out with writing experience. :-)<br /><br />What hooked me most about this piece was Stella herself. I like her vulnerability, uncertainty, but the fact she obviously is important and has friends - I like that contrast. So in my opinion starting with "kill me now" or the mom packing her suitcase line, and working your way outwards by using her feelings and perspective to create the scene, will utilise your greatest strength - the heroine herself.<br /><br />Well done. And kudos on your courage for submitting this piece. I would very much like to read more about Stella.sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03818420999930644450noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-55397095375280571762012-02-11T15:22:12.391-05:002012-02-11T15:22:12.391-05:00Everything that Janice said - I thought she was in...Everything that Janice said - I thought she was in her bedroom at first, and I really liked her spunk and views, but it's hard to cheer for her when she's negative about something most people would be eager for. We need to know what she wants, and that push-pull would really help bring out the drama (just like with that line "I hated her and wanted to be her.")<br /><br />Besides the neck line, the one that seemed most awkward was Ariel tapping her foot. Might be better to trim it down to something like, "I could hear her tap her foot. Those perfect stilettos under that perfect dress."<br /><br />Well done!Steve MChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15026970188928733645noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-80791627073031835022012-02-11T09:32:22.517-05:002012-02-11T09:32:22.517-05:00I think you have a great setting that should be us...I think you have a great setting that should be used right away i.e. have her already out in the gallery, going through her paces with all these thoughts going through her head. Makes it more proactive. Then right away you can say what her goal is eg to sell to that scary guy with the three piece suit, make Ariel some money etc. I agree with Janice that some emotional/physical reactions are a bit over written. Also with Andrea Mack that there are too many mentions of Mom which can make a character seem a little weak or whiny. Keep it to Janice's suggestion of Mom packing the bag in the first line. Then it's just right. Hope that helps.Elizabeth Dunnnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-8754310455366975682012-02-11T08:43:06.136-05:002012-02-11T08:43:06.136-05:00I know its very cliche, but since she's in a b...I know its very cliche, but since she's in a bathroom, why not leverage the inevitable mirror for the description? Perhaps do a little soul searching by addressing her thoughts to the mirror, or even talking to her own image; punch up the internal dialogue with a few phrases actually spoken out loud to herself. Especially if this is not her usual "look", might be a good way to raise the tension a bit.Gru'udnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-55886062906855108962012-02-11T07:53:35.164-05:002012-02-11T07:53:35.164-05:00I enjoyed reading this snippet and the analysis. O...I enjoyed reading this snippet and the analysis. One thing I noticed is that there are several references to her mom insisting on something or doing something for her, and it seemed like a bit too much to me, since they all are showing the same thing. But the idea of a teen have a gallery opening is intriguing.Andrea Mackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15250681746122381149noreply@blogger.com