tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post8925696527665642228..comments2024-03-17T06:03:00.362-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Using Dialog to Build Tension Janice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-15240312255414212372015-08-16T10:13:33.200-04:002015-08-16T10:13:33.200-04:00I want to second something that's been said he...I want to second something that's been said here: physical reactions. Since the scene's core action is just voices (and a caller ID) on a phone, it could gain a lot of contrast by adding a few moments of clenched stomach, hoarse voice, and other signs of fear. <br /><br />Or, for a further layer of contrast, Anna's surroundings. Is there a sound that breaks in on her at an odd moment?<br /><br />In fact, Anna doesn't have many thoughts in here; she usually goes straight from hearing news to answering it. That might be just what you want, to show that she's focusing right on each moment, but you might think about how these other things can happen inside or around her even in mid-sentence, and whether you want to show any. (Her not having these is one reason Jesse gets out the whole explanation about the x-ray, without Anna either interrupting her or feeling her own reaction in the meantime.)<br /><br />A lot of this depends on how you usually write; if you don't use much of this in your other scenes, that may be reason enough to leave it out. And of course you want the right balance of each in each moment. But I think they're dimensions you want to look into.Ken Hugheshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02732164204232936705noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-15691049400947569082015-08-15T09:50:47.990-04:002015-08-15T09:50:47.990-04:00I was thrown from the outset by what I took to be ...I was thrown from the outset by what I took to be a sarcastic response to Lily calling her mother. That set me up to imagine a conflicted relationship between the two, as in Lily was a worrywart and Anne was a busy woman who didn't expect/need constant calls.<br /><br />Anne's surprise at the caller being Jesse doesn't come across as extreme, as I'm just told about Jesse's voice sounding funny and the internal question seems distant to me. So, from my misinterpreted stance to being told Jesse might have been crying to imagining something is wrong just doesn't happen for me. <br /><br />The suggested re-positioning of indicating Jesse's tone of voice would help, but what would help me more is some outside influence, like being given some physical reaction by Anne. Is she driving when she gets the call? Dusting? Walking to a meeting? Whatever she's doing, if I'm shown that the discovery of Jesse being the caller causes her to stop or slow what she's doing, my 'ears' will prick up.<br /><br />Then, being told "I imagined the worst." followed by being told how long it seemed before Jesse answered leaves me with no anticipation and no emotional lead-in to or investment in the upcoming information. I have become an observer instead of bonding with the events and characters in the scene.<br /><br />I would want to see the red flags flying from the first moment the phone rings and Anne sees (as we all have caller ID) that it's Lily, her pregnant daughter calling. If they just spoke the day before, and the two have just arrived in the city (or it is presumed they haven't been there long), then Anne's response to the call could be more pronounced...any underlying concern could be revealed here. This could set Anne up for feeling she'd worried or been concerned needlessly, when told that Lily isn't in danger, as Anne could assume that to mean that 'all' (including the baby) was okay -- then the roller coaster would dive again when she's told of the loss.<br /><br />I would like to see more reaction in the scene, more body language that allows me to relate emotionally. <br /><br />A last note: the delay in Anne questioning the status of the pregnancy, along with the delay in flying out (as Janice pointed out) combined with the statement "At a time like this, she'll need her family." spun me in several circles. The dialogue statement feels distant, and almost like internal thought, plus sounds a bit cruel to Jesse, who is simply the messenger of bad news.<br /><br />End of scene: I dislike Anne, feel sorry for Jesse, and wasn't allowed to feel anything for Lily.<br /><br />This is a tough scene to write, as Janice indicates, but just a few tweaks and it'll be great. You can do it! Thanks for taking the hot seat so everyone can learn.Maria D'Marcohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07909374867721777133noreply@blogger.com