tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post8834806136313665222..comments2024-03-27T10:02:56.747-04:00Comments on Fiction University: Real Life Diagnostics: Building a World That Sucks You inJanice Hardyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02356672149097741248noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-66998003152024182542011-10-03T08:53:16.250-04:002011-10-03T08:53:16.250-04:00Thank you for all the suggestions!
I didn't ...Thank you for all the suggestions! <br /><br />I didn't realise the repeated rhythm - thanks for pointing that out. Will fix!<br /><br />I'm excited to get back into editing the MS now :)Suzannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06288802923434609582noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-90271648016867186332011-10-02T12:01:38.863-04:002011-10-02T12:01:38.863-04:00The opening line really sucked me in as well; I li...The opening line really sucked me in as well; I like sci fi-futuristic-end of world stuff and I liked that the POV character here is female. <br /><br />Loved the little details--the medal, the end of the world in her pocket, her thought about hoping her mom was right about guardian angels...If I recall correctly, seraphim themselves were angels so I like the dichotomy (and irony, I guess) of her hoping in guardian angels and patron saints, as well as fearing their namesakes.<br /><br />I agree that there is some loss of the character POV in the details. An easy fix is to see it through her eyes. I think sometimes we try to describe the world so the reader can relate on his/her own terms, instead of letting the character show it and we figure it out.<br /><br />Regarding sentence rhythm, I think when you start sentences with -ing, it's much easier to fall into that sing-song trap. <br /><br />But, in the end, I really want to know what's going to happen with this character in this story.Eva Porterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14855603175280772481noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-68982344980334582902011-10-01T13:36:23.969-04:002011-10-01T13:36:23.969-04:00I really like your opening. It sounds very appeali...I really like your opening. It sounds very appealing/ Like Janice, my first reaction to the word 'Seraphim' was angels, although I'm not sure that's what you intended.<br /><br />I found it immediately interesting that she wears a St Christopher medal, since he's the patron saint of travellers. With the follow-up line about guardian angels, it made me wonder how travel would going to fit into the story. I assume that 'travel' has a large role to play either in her life or in the plot overall. My first thought was that she knows about the end of the world due to time travel of some kind. (I'm probably way off base here, but just giving you my initial thoughts.) <br /><br />Finally, like maine character, I noticed a lot of your sentences have the same rhythm.<br /><br />Dum-de-dum, dum-de-dum-de-dum. Dum-de-dum, dum-de-dum-de-dum.<br /><br />I'd suggest reading it aloud to pick up on the places where the flow is repetitious, and then mix up the format a little.<br /><br />Overall, a very intriguing opening. I'd definitely read on.Jo Eberhardthttp://thehappylogophile.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-12539423865459772072011-10-01T13:21:50.216-04:002011-10-01T13:21:50.216-04:00Excellent opening paragraph, and thought Serafim a...Excellent opening paragraph, and thought Serafim a great name and the slang for it even better.<br /><br />There's a lot of sentences that run, "Doing this, Davey did that." Just read Janice's notes, and she called them "introductory phrasing," which is cool to know.<br /><br />So yeah, good start - reminded me of some of Bradbury's world-gone-wrong stories.Steve MChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15026970188928733645noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-91157230638161080972011-10-01T12:53:48.564-04:002011-10-01T12:53:48.564-04:00These diagnostics are so valuable--also your analy...These diagnostics are so valuable--also your analysis of the power of details. We all need to learn to step back and look at our own WIP this way.<br /><br />This opener definitely sucked me in.Anne R. Allenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02420000168356370825noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-34744837313463785902011-10-01T10:52:45.419-04:002011-10-01T10:52:45.419-04:00I loved your first sentence. In fact I enjoyed the...I loved your first sentence. In fact I enjoyed the whole piece. Here are some areas I thought you could tighten or simplify. (Janice mentioned all, but thought I'd agree).<br /><br />If you show us the blinking neon green clock you don't need to say "digital". You can also add the description of the Serafim to the first paragraph. That way the reader doesn't think of angels first, but right away we know they are the military elite. Then maybe add one sentence telling what that means? (BTW, I think I need to do the same with my "military elite". I just realized that could mean a lot of things.)<br /><br />I also agree with the idea of moving "Identity approved..." up after the "three second delay." That flows much more naturally and doesn't slow down the read. <br /><br />When you said "carriage" I jumped to a Cinderella like mode of transportation. Could just be the fact my girls are watching Tangled though. <br /><br />All in all, I'm very interested in the story. I want to know how she knows the world is about to end. What is she going to do about it? Does she think she can survive? On and on. I like having questions.<br /><br />Janice, great comments. I realized there are similar problems in my wip. I need to get more in my MCs head as well. <br /><br />Thanks to both of you!Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3901370917824739259.post-67351758954782609732011-10-01T09:52:58.924-04:002011-10-01T09:52:58.924-04:00Oh some excellent suggestions! Thank you thank you...Oh some excellent suggestions! Thank you thank you thank you!! I am really excited to get back into the book now and edit the POV - need to look at the world through Davey's 'filter' a lot more. I'm so glad you picked up on the futuristic elements - you were spot on which I guess means I did something right ;)Suzannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06288802923434609582noreply@blogger.com